Euphoria

I took the letter from her hands and sat down next to her on the bed, still in just my towel. “I know you probably aren’t going to believe me, but I was going to tell you all about this and everything else tonight or the next time I saw you.”

“Everything else? What in the fuck is going on, Ash? Why have I been accepted into some college that I didn’t apply to?” The confusion was quickly turning into anger and I knew that I needed to start explaining fast.

“Let me put some clothes on so that we can talk,” I said as I slid off the bed and walked over to my dresser. I swiftly threw on some boxers and pajama pants and then rejoined her on the bed. She just sat there staring at me, making no attempt to hide her displeasure; I was expecting either steam to start rising from her head or a flood of tears to fall from her big brown eyes at any minute.

“Okay, so here’s the deal. As you know I’m finishing up my Master’s degree this May, so I’ve been applying to several different universities to enter their doctorate programs. I knew that if I was accepted into any of these, I’d have to move and I wanted you to come with me wherever I went. So without talking to you first, I took it upon myself to apply for a transfer for you to each of these schools as well. I thought that once I found the right place where we could both go, I’d present it to you and you’d want to go together. I didn’t want to tell you and stress you out until I knew that we were both in.”

“So let me get this straight… you were basically deciding my future for me. You weren’t giving me any say in what school I go to or where I live?”

“Well there are only a handful of schools that offer a PhD program in nuclear astrophysics, so I applied to all of them for both of us. I mean, of course you have the option to not come with me, but I thought that this…,” I explained as I moved my hand back and forth between our two bodies, “I thought we were for forever, so I assumed that you would want to go.”

“Do you hear yourself right now? Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? You’re no better than my parents who tried to control me forever. You’re completely planning my future for me, without even discussing it with me!”

“That wasn’t my intention, Scarlett…”

“No! It’s my turn to talk,” she interrupted me. “You of all people… the person that has been so adamant about me learning to make decisions on my own, to live my life for me, to not let others control me… you’re such a hypocrite! That’s exactly what you’ve done, or are trying to do. I can’t believe this.” She jumped off the bed and began pacing around my room.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think about it like that. I thought if when I told you about it, I had all the facts together, you wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I promise you, butterfly, I didn’t mean for it to seem like I was taking away your decision. If you would’ve said no to all of them, then we would’ve figured out something else.” My voice was now shaking, but with fear instead of anger as hers was.

“We would’ve figured something else out? Like you wouldn’t have continued your education? Bull shit! And don’t even with the ‘butterfly’ crap right now, that’s a fucking joke. You don’t want me to grow wings and learn how to fly, you want me in a little cocoon where you can control me just like everyone else!”

“Scarlett, please calm down. I know you’re mad; I know that I fucked this up, and I’m desperately trying to tell you that I’m sorry. I was going to tell you about everything, even without knowing that the letter came. I talked to Crys today and she made me realize that I was being a selfish asshole, especially with the way I handled this. I’m sorry! I want to know what you want. Please, let’s talk about this,” I pleaded with her.

“What I want right now is some time by myself. I need to cool off and time to think. I’ll call you later.” She picked up her purse and keys off of my bed and stomped out of the room. I desperately wanted to call after her, to chase after her and beg her not to leave, but I didn’t. I let her walk out the door, hoping and praying that it wasn’t for good… hoping and praying she wouldn’t run to his arms again.

SCARLETT

Anger didn’t even begin to cover the emotion that was coursing through my veins. Rage… fury... disappointment… irritation… outrage. I couldn’t stop shaking as I escaped Ash’s house and got into my car. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I had just found out, I couldn’t even cry. It was almost as if I was feeling so much, that I just went numb, like a defense mechanism so that I didn’t have a complete mental breakdown.

I needed someone to talk to badly. I couldn’t talk to Mase about this; he didn’t need any of my issues to stress about especially on his first day home with a new roommate. I could go home and talk to Max, but I felt like all I did was cry about my life to him. Plus, if I found out that he knew about what Ash had done, I was going to be livid with him as well. I tried calling Mina, but she didn’t answer; she was probably out with Noah somewhere, as she usually was. I really needed my Evie in that moment. I missed her all the time, but I really fucking needed her right then.

I drove straight to the cemetery; it was where I had to go, the only place that I felt I could find some solace. I parked my car not far from her gravesite and grabbed my jacket out of the backseat. The sun was disappearing into the horizon and the frigid February night was setting in rapidly. It had only been a couple of months since I had been there at the one year anniversary of her death, but so much had happened in that short amount of time. I trudged my way over to her headstone and knelt down in front of it. The ground was frozen and the wetness of the soil quickly soaked through the knees of my jeans, but I barely noticed.

EVELYN ROSE STEWART

April 27, 1993 ~ December 10, 2012

And if you were with me tonight

I’d sing to you just one more time

A song for a heart so big

God wouldn’t let it live

May angels lead you in.

As I read the words on her grave again, the tears finally came. And boy did they come. I sat there and cried and cried and cried. I have no idea how long it was before I was able to catch my breath and the lump in my throat subsided.

“Why did you have to leave me? I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without you. Every time I think I start to figure things out, like I’m finally moving in the right direction, something slaps me in the face and knocks me backwards. I need you here with me, I need you to catch me and pick me back up. You weren’t supposed to leave me; we were supposed to do this together. How dare you do this to me!”

Arms wrapped around me from behind as I began to sob again, pulling me close to the masculine chest to which they belonged. I knew by the clean scent of the cologne that it was Ash, and instead of jerking away from him, I let him embrace me. He pulled me into his lap and held me close to his body while he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. He continued to rock and soothe me in the cold darkness until I had cried out every last tear.

After I apologized and said goodbye to Evie, Ash ushered me to my car. Before closing my door, he squatted down so that he was eye level with me and reached out to brush his thumb across my cheek. “I’m really sorry for everything, Scarlett. Can we go back to one of our houses to talk about it? I can’t leave things this way between us.”

I nodded and agreed to talk to him at my house. I believed that he never intended to make me feel that I wasn’t capable to make a decision regarding our future or that my opinion didn’t matter, but his actions did just that. He needed to realize that if we were going to be together, important decisions like where we were going to go to college and live needed to be a joint discussion from the very beginning, particularly as I tried to escape that feeling of being controlled that I had lived with all of my life.

He followed me in his car for the short drive back to my house. Once we were inside, I excused myself to take a quick shower before we talked. I hadn’t been home since I had left for the rehab center that morning, and especially after my bawling session, I was sure I looked like a complete mess. I quickly washed the dried mascara off of my blotchy face and then tried to scrub the funk of the day off of me under the spray of hot water. After rapidly drying myself off, I went into my room to put on something comfortable and warm. Ash was waiting for me on my bed with all kinds of pieces of paper spread out around him as well as my laptop and iPad.

“What in the world are you doing?” I asked as I grabbed my clothes.

He looked up and gave me a small smile. “I am laying out all of our options. Literally.”

I couldn’t help but giggle at him. I knew he felt awful and was trying to make it right, and I truly appreciated the effort. I was starting to feel bad at the way I had reacted earlier, but I had been caught completely off guard and felt like I had been deceived. However, once I had a little time to think about it, I wasn’t nearly as upset as I had been. At that point I just wanted to talk about what the possibilities were so that I knew what to prepare for.

I attempted to slip my panties on while the towel was still covering me, but I clumsily fell over my own feet, and the towel ended up on the floor as did I, flat on my butt. I looked up at Ash on the bed, who was trying desperately not to laugh, and then down at myself, sprawled out naked on the floor except my panties that were half on.

“Are you sure you want to take this hot mess somewhere across the country with you?” I asked him, half joking.

“As John Legend says babe, I ‘love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections,’” he answered sincerely. If I hadn’t already been on the floor, I think I may have melted into a puddle on it.

“Awww that’s one of the sweetest things you’ve ever said to me. You totally just gave me butterflies,” I told him honestly as I stood up and finished pulling my panties up. I walked over to the bed and leaned down to give him a quick kiss. He groaned loudly as I pulled my away from his. “What?” I asked.

“You,” he growled as he grabbed a hold of my hips and pulled me up on the bed and into his lap. “You’re the hottest little thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on, and you’re prancing around here without clothes on, knowing damn well what you’re doing to me.” He brought his mouth back to mine, this time giving me a much more sensual kiss.

“I’m not prancing,” I mumbled against his mouth. “I’m more like flopping around.”

“Well your flopping is extremely sexy, in case you didn’t know,” he said as he began peppering kisses up and down my neck.

“Don’t think I’m not aware of what you’re trying to do, Mr. Walker,” I attempted to say with a stern voice, but it came out more in a breathy whisper. He was turning me into putty in his hands and completely erasing the reason I was upset to begin with. “We are supposed to be talking about something important… I think.”