Enough to Miss Christmas

"I don't need help!"

"Let's wait until our company is gone and talk about it then." I was disappointed but not surprised. When Paul and I discussed it later, we both agreed Karen's attitude when visiting the doctor was important to any chance of success. If Karen visited under protest, she'd stone-wall the procedure. I'd try again later.

Whether it was the outdoor air or our exercise, my libido rose to a critical state and the punishment I'd imposed on my newly acquired husband was taking its toll. It got to the point I considered sneaking off in the woods while the kids were playing with other campers but the thought of deceiving Karen and perhaps thereby dissolving our tenuous understanding, made me grit my teeth and continue my pledge of celibacy. I knew Paul felt the same way. I craved his affection to help appease my continuing depression that floated in and out like the summer breeze. He took my hand one afternoon when we were alone and we strolled to a very secluded cove on the lake that, admittedly, was perfect for what he so obviously had in mind. I let him lead me along.

"Being here reminded me of a high school joke about a woman who took a tramp in the woods and her stomach was on the bum all night." He coyly bent down and kissed me.

I kissed him back, fervently, but then pushed him away. "I might tramp in the woods but you're one tramp who is going to be disappointed," I said. And he was. I could feel it. So was I. I let him know it was my commitment to Karen and not a lack of desire.

Paul didn't protest but on the walk back he agreed in principle, at least. "But she doesn't know what we're giving up. She's too young to understand."

"Don't you believe it," I answered. He didn't press me; probably because he didn't want to hear my response.

That night, in our tent, Karen turned to me. "I saw you guys sneak into the woods."

"Are you going to ask if we made love?"

"No! Of course not! I wouldn't ask that!"

"Sure you would."

"Sarah!"

"We didn't. He's being punished. I told you that."

"But . . ."

"But, what? Didn't I want to do it? Sure. I love your dad like crazy and that's what lovers want to do. But remember the punishment part; accepting responsibility for what you did before moving on. Remember, it takes a toll on both parties." I hoped she understood. I wasn't sure I did and I wished that tingly feeling down there would take a rest.