Enough to Miss Christmas

"I would have. You're supposed to trust your husband or wife." I nodded in agreement.

Karen took twenty miles to ponder what I'd told her. I felt she wanted to press the issue further but was hesitant how to word her question. We were on the Massachusetts Turnpike when I prompted her.

"No more questions?"

"With all the really good ones, you'll claim privacy."

"Don't be so sure. Our visit with Grandma put me in a very open mood today." I reached over and she let me take her hand. "Try me."

With a smug look she asked, "Did you love Doug more than my father? You can't say 'the same' either. That would be a cop out."

"I don't have to 'cop out.' that's an easy question; no."

Karen looked at me. "You're just saying that because that's what you think I want to hear."

"No way! This is an honesty session. I take my honesty promise to you very seriously. No, I didn't love Doug anywhere near as much as I love your father. Don't tell your father that. He has this thing about not discussing our prior relationships."

"So if you wouldn't tell him why would you tell me?"

I thought about it. "A lot of reasons. First off, I trust you to be discrete about anything I tell you. Secondly, our relationship; yours and mine, is far different from a husband and wife. In some ways it's more intimate. I've never told anyone what I just told you." Karen's eyes were wide with amazement as I continued. "There's lots of stuff I'd tell you before I'd confess it to anyone else."

"Why wouldn't you tell Dad you love him more? It would make him happy."

"We made a pact not to discuss our past loves. Lovers are funny. They don't want to be held up to comparison. If I said that, he might feel compelled to tell me he loved me more than your mother and maybe he doesn't. Maybe we're afraid we wouldn't come out on top."

"Honest? You didn't love Doug very much, and you married him? Did you love him at all?"

"That's a whole bunch of questions. Let's take them one at a time. It's difficult to remember exactly how I felt about Doug when I married him. Hormones were getting in the way. I was young and there was a lot going on in my life. I guess I thought I loved him. Even if I did love him at first, I didn't feel anywhere near as strongly as I do about your father."

"Because you're older now, and you didn't know any better back then?"