Endlessly (Paranormalcy #3)

MORE MONSTERS IN THE DARK

We'll figure something else out." Lend's voice was soft and barely loud enough for me to hear from around the corner. Raquel had run outside with David, already shouting the names of every faerie under IPCA control. I had to hand it to her-I hadn't even thought to use her to free them from IPCA. It didn't mean Anne-Whatever Whatever wouldn't have faerie help from the Unseelies, but it would sure make her life harder. I didn't have the energy to follow them, instead slumping against the wall to the kitchen.

"What if-" I stopped, swallowing hard. Nope. I couldn't even say it aloud. We'd figure something else out because we had to. Time for a subject change before I lost it. "What did your mom say?"

"Mostly that she thinks my hair is getting too long and I should cut it."

"That's not helpful."

"That's my mom for you." He was trying for humor but his voice caught, and I wondered if he was thinking about how if she left and he didn't, he'd never ever see her again.

"So," I said, sitting on the floor against the wall as close to the kitchen doorway as I could get without Lend dropping like a rock, "do you want your Christmas present?"

"You got me something?" He sounded surprised.

"I've been working on it for a while."

"I, uh, didn't find you anything yet. I was actually setting up for your party, not Christmas shopping like I said."

"Being kidnapped by the Dark Queen and then cursed gets you off the hook for a lot. Besides, my birthday party totally counted."

"This isn't how I wanted our first Christmas to go. We were going to go all out, pick out a Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, decorate it, watch cheesy holiday movies, drink hot chocolate, let my dad make his eggnog and then complain about how disgusting it was, then I was going to deck out my entire room in mistletoe..."

"Wait, you mean you didn't plan for us to be stuck in different rooms for the holidays?"

"Well, that part's kind of nice." I heard his head bang against the wall where he was sitting right on the other side of it from me. "I mean, who wants to actually be able to touch their super hot girlfriend? Overrated."

"I know, right?" I tried to laugh, but it came out choked. I swallowed, forcing my tone to come out light. "And I totally dig watching people sleep. It's so sexy."

We were both quiet for a bit. With my last brilliant idea a failure, the reality that maybe we could never fix this hung like a chain around my neck, cutting off the air. I'd fought so hard to get-really get-Lend. From escaping the Center to stopping Vivian to overcoming my own stupid issues, I'd been fighting for this relationship since the day I first saw his water eyes. I couldn't have come this far just to lose him physically forever. It wasn't fair. And I was sick and tired of things not being fair.

"So, where's my present?"

I wiped under my eyes. "Oh, right. You have your laptop in there?"

"Yeah."

Smiling, I grabbed my laptop off the coffee table and emailed him the link, then waited.

"Ooh, I've got mail." After a few seconds I heard the video playing, and Lend laughed. "How long did this take you?"

"I had a lot of time on my hands while you were in finals." I leaned my head against the wall as I heard the soundtrack to the clips. I'd gone through all four seasons of Easton Heights and found every single time any of the characters said "I love you," then (with copious amounts of help from Arianna) pieced them all together back to back to back, with one of Lend's favorite songs as the soundtrack.

"I love you!" "I love you." "I LOVE YOU, idiot!" "You are so-I hate you! I love you!" "Shut up and tell me you love me." "Te amo!" Ah, yes, the guest arc of the Spanish hottie. That was a good season.

Given the number of relationships that show cycled through, the video lasted several minutes. When it ended, I heard Lend's laptop closing.

"Well?" I asked.

"I love you," he answered.

"I love you, too." I put my palm against the wall, fingers splayed out. I would fix this. I didn't care if IPCA was taking over the world, or dark forces were conspiring to keep us apart, or if in opening the gate to another world I'd maybe die or Lend would leave this world forever. He was mine, no matter what I had to do to make it work.

"Umm, so, what was that you were saying when my dad and Raquel were in here? About double-dating?"

I rubbed my eyes. "You should really ask your dad about it."

"I don't want to ask my dad about it, I'm asking you."

"Your dad and Raquel are-were-well, they were really happy to be back together. Like, together together. I found some pictures in Raquel's room and I think we've solved the mystery of what the deal was between them. I think they were engaged or something before your dad met your mom. And, uh, they've rekindled the spark."

Lend was quiet for a long time. Too long.

"Are you okay?"

"He's still married."

"What?"

"My dad. Is still. Married. To my mom."

I hadn't even thought of that, although I guess it would be difficult to sign a divorce agreement if your hands were made of water. "Yeah, but they haven't really been with each other in eighteen years."

"She's my mom, Evie. And what, now that she's going to leave the planet he's suddenly jumping all over a woman who stands for everything he and I have fought against?"

"Whoa now. You heard. Raquel's not IPCA anymore. And she's never been as bad as you make her out to be."

"Sure, because stealing my dad is really cool."

"Who is she stealing him from? Your mom left him forever ago, and I'm pretty sure she stole David from Raquel in the first place!"

"What is that supposed to mean? I wouldn't exist if my parents hadn't loved each other!"

I looked up at the ceiling, breathing deeply. "That came out really, really wrong. Of course I'm glad your parents fell in love. They made the best thing in the entire world. And it is really weird that your dad and Raquel might be dating now. You have every right to be freaked out. Just, please, give her a chance, okay?"

He didn't answer. I could feel knots forming in my shoulders and neck. It was like my whole body was ganging up on me because it hated not being touched by Lend. Subject change time. "Did you find anything else out while I was gone?"

His voice was still terse. "Not much new, although it's getting crowded out there. They're gathering paranormals from all over. Everyone who wants to leave."

"So they're taking it for granted that they'll actually have a gate?"

There was a pause. "I thought-I thought you were going to try to open the gate. Not that I want to push you, but...I don't know, I think it's the right thing to do."

I scowled up at the ceiling, picking at the rug under my fingers. "Well, yeah, it probably is, but it pisses me off that they're just assuming I will."

Lend laughed, the sound making some of the tension in my shoulders relax. "Yeah, that's paranormals for you. Always bossing people around. Prophecies this, prophecies that."

"And do any of their prophecies say please? No, not a single one." I rolled over onto my side, my nose practically touching the wall, and put my hand against the wallpaper. Amid the dry, static wind of the sylph's soul; the manic, buzzing energy of the vampire's; the fluid motion of the fossegrim's; and the horrible, cracking, burning frost of the faerie's, I tried to sense my own soul, tried to find that part of my core that was me and only me. But how could I find it when I didn't know what it felt like unless I was touching Lend?

I sighed. "I'm scared. Of it all. Of what will happen if I don't try to open the gate, yeah, but even more of what might happen if I do. Not only do I have no idea how to do it, but the last one I opened...I really thought I was going to die. Everything went rushing out of me so quickly and if it hadn't been for Lish's soul signaling me to stop, I don't think I would have been able to close the gate, or to stop my own soul from flying out, too. I might want to help the paranormals, but I'm not willing to give up my soul for it."

"Of course not! No one can ask you to do that. No one should. If you decide to do this-and I mean you decide, not anyone else-then we'll figure out how to make it work so you come out safe and sound. Besides, I wouldn't let you sacrifice your own soul. It's mine."

"Uh, I think you mean my heart is yours. That's a little more romantic and less stalker creepy."

"Well, regardless, you know mine is yours, right? Heart, soul, whatever. It's all yours."

I smiled and buried my face in the carpet so my cheek was resting against the cool wall. "I know."

After a few quiet minutes during which I nearly fell asleep, Lend spoke again, his words soft but shaking me to my core. "What if we can never fix this?"

"What?"

"This stupid thing keeping us apart. What if we can't break it? Because I'm not going to accept a life where I can't touch you."

"I don't know what else to do, besides hitting up the Light Queen for help. And I really don't want to."

"It just doesn't make any sense! I've been thinking about it-I haven't been thinking about anything else-and why would the Dark Queen do this? I mean, why curse me so that I can't physically be near you? It seems so...childish, you know? Like, if she didn't want me to escape or she wanted to punish me if I managed to, why not curse me to die? Or to never wake up at all?"

I frowned, sitting up. "I hadn't thought about it that way. I kind of thought it was a genius evil curse, but with what we know about her, it does seem sort of silly."

"She didn't strike me as much of a prankster in the short but overwhelmingly terrifying time we spent together. Epically cruel, sure. Cleverly mean, not so much."

"Not being able to talk to you face-to-face and touch you is pretty epically cruel, Lend."

His voice came out tortured. "I know. But still."

"Yeah. Maybe she couldn't just kill you? Because of, I don't know, your mom?"

"Maybe."

"I should ask Reth about...oh, crap!" I was the worst person ever. I stood up. "I totally forgot about Reth."

"What about him?"

"He got hurt. A faerie tried to attack me, but he pushed me out of the way and it hit him instead. He seemed pretty bad off."

"How did you get away, then?"

I rolled my eyes in aggravation and glared at the ceiling, hating what I had to confess. Lend knew how much it affected me, taking souls, and I always felt guilty and dirty, like he was judging me even though he tried not to. "The faerie came after me when Reth was down and I sucked out some of her soul."

"Good."

"I-Good?"

"Yes. Good."

I shuddered. "You don't have the creepy, icy thing in you. It's not good."

"You here, safe and alive? Good."

I smiled sadly and knocked on the wall three times. "I"-knock-"love"-knock-"you"-knock.

He knocked three times back.

I wavered, then blurted out, "Will you go through if I open the gate?"

"No," he said, but there were a few seconds of hesitation before it slipped out, and those few seconds filled me with dread and loneliness so deep it was colder even than the midnight faerie's soul. He didn't know.

He knocked on the wall again. "Go check on Reth. But be careful. I haven't slept on purpose in way too long, so I'm going to bed. And since I'll be asleep anyway, come sleep next to me when you get back in, okay?"

I forced my voice to come out light and teasing. "Only if you're wearing footie pajamas."

He laughed. "I'll see if I can find a pair. See you soon."

"No, you won't," I whispered too softly for him to hear, then walked out the front door toward the trees. It was dark now, and bitterly cold. I had no idea how many hours I'd been awake at this point-the last time I remembered sleeping was on the couch just after saving Lend. I was so tired I wished I were the one who'd drop instantly to sleep, because then I'd "accidentally" walk into the room with Lend and have a perfect excuse for not doing things I knew I should.

Alas. Miles to go before I sleep.

"Reth?" I called, wrapping my arms around myself and squinting into the darkness. The hairs on the back of my neck rose as I remembered being tased out here. In spite of what David said about protections, maybe I shouldn't be here alone. "Reth?"

"He's not here," Arianna said, and I jumped and shrieked in fright. She was standing just past the tree line. I swallowed hard, disturbed. I could see her soul, glowing in the black night. I couldn't usually see hers so brightly; I hadn't been able to see any this clearly since the night I took all the souls from Vivian. Just how much had I taken from the midnight faerie, anyway?

"Chill, Evie. You look like you've seen a ghost. Which, for the record, are way less cool than vampires. Reth's with everyone, hanging out at the pond, being immortal and whatnot. It's pretty rocking."

Great. Exactly where I wanted to go right now. To the pond, with dragons and sylphs and selkies, oh my.

"Of course that's where he'd be, because my night keeps getting awesomer. What are you doing out here?"

"You know. Hanging out. Being all immortal and whatnot."

"Where's Jack?"

"He went to the Faerie Realms to eat and sleep. Said he'd be back later."

"I have to find Reth and make sure he's okay. Come with me?"

"Now, now, you aren't afraid of monsters in the dark, are you?" I caught a flash of her eyes, winking wickedly at me.

"No," I said, shivering. After all, I was one of them.

I walked slower and slower as we got closer to the pond. I could see them already, bobbing and dancing and swirling through the night, all the lights of the souls there. The souls waiting for me to save them, to send them home.

Oh, bleep, I didn't want any of this. I didn't want this pressure, this weight on my shoulders. This whole mess had nothing to do with me. But it seemed like no matter how hard I fought against being involved in paranormal drama, I kept getting sucked back in. I guess it was my birthright, the only thing left to me by my broken and gone mother and my broken and gone faerie father.

I stopped, staring through the trees at the pond, at this world and this life that I was integral to but completely not a part of.

And then...I thought of all the paranormals who meant something to me. Nona and Kari, who had sacrificed themselves to keep me safe. Lend's mom, and everything she'd done for him. Even Reth, who put himself in harm's way to protect me. Lish. My Lish. All these paranormals needed me, and as much as it terrified me, could I really turn my back on that? Could I really refuse to at least try to help them, no matter what it might cost me?

Could I really value my own soul over all the beautiful, brilliant souls in the darkness in front of me?

"Evie?" Arianna asked, noticing I wasn't keeping up with her.

I wiped my eyes, overwhelmed. "Go ahead. I'll be there in a minute."

She nodded and walked through the edge of the trees to the pond. I heard a low murmur of voices greeting her and wondered how much time she'd been spending out here. Under other circumstances I could imagine hanging out down there, gawking at all the strange paranormals, maybe even getting to know the cranky dragon. But in that daydream Lend was with me, holding my hand. And there wasn't terror and pressure and doom hanging over everything.

I sighed and leaned against a tree.

"I assume you are looking for me." Reth's voice sounded more like copper rather than his usual gold.

"Yup, I suppose I was. How are you feeling?" I stood straight and turned around, then gasped. His soul. I'd forgotten what it looked like. But...it was different, too. Whereas before it had been unmoving and crystalline, now it seemed to shiver around the edges.

He smiled at my reaction, the stupid smile of his that was like he knew something you didn't. And he knew something I didn't pretty much all the time, so it was pretty much every smile on his face.

"I need to go to the Faerie Realms," he said.

"Okay. Good. You should go." I looked to the side, bothered by the intimacy of the moment. It wasn't like I knew anything more about him by being able to see the shiny, shivering gold of his soul, but it still felt weird. I wanted to make him put on another shirt, or a coat. Or a tent.

"Are you ready?"

"For what?"

"To come with me."

"I-No, I'm staying here."

"Judging by the fact that you are here alone, your latest plan did not work."

"Brilliant, Sherlock." He raised his eyebrows quizzically and I shook my head. Faeries weren't exactly big on understanding the cultural lexicon.

"So you have only two options left. Appeal to the Dark Queen, or appeal to my queen. Might I, as someone infinitely concerned with your continued survival, recommend the latter?"

I pulled on my ponytail, nervously wrapping my fingers in it. "I don't know. Can't she come here?"

"No, she cannot. And if I recall, you owe me several debts. I am collecting."

I opened my mouth to argue, then realized there was no point. He was right. I owed him, big-time. And I was out of options for how to fix things here by myself. If throwing myself on the mercy of the Light Queen meant I got to feel Lend's fingers on my skin again, well, so be it. And maybe she could help me figure out how to save the paranormals without losing myself in the process.

I took a deep breath. "Okay. What do I have to do?"

"Unless you plan on creating a door and walking the Paths alone, you really ought to take my hand."

"I mean when we get there, you jerk."

"It will be as simple as falling asleep." There was a teasing note to his voice that made me nervous.

I looked toward the house, imagined running away from all this and spending the night curled up next to Lend. But then I imagined waking up in the morning and knowing he couldn't wake up until I left. And no amount of running away would change the sheer number of souls around the pond, waiting for me, needing me. So I took Reth's hand, an action that was becoming all too familiar now. It felt a bit cooler than it had even an hour ago.

"I knew you'd choose this." The least he could have done is sound smug about it, but his tone was simple and matter-of-fact, like there was never any doubt that he would win. I stuck my tongue out at him and we walked together through the Paths toward what I absolutely would not ever consider my destiny. His steps were not quite as fluid as normal, and for once I didn't have to hurry mine to keep up. He opened another door and we stepped out into the Faerie Realms.

Which were as empty and pitch-black as the Paths we'd just come from.