East

"Can't take this," I whispered and began to scrub at my hands and arms, wanting the refuse and filth off me. "Can't get home." Rain and tears blurred my eyes. I was nearly too weak to stand. For the first time in my life, I considered how much easier it'd be to float away than spend another day struggling with my world and thoughts.

I dunked my head and scrubbed at my scalp and hair without being able to clear my nose of the smell or my heart of the fear.

I'm never going home. I had considered the possibility before. With my body and mind fatigued, the thoughts were able to penetrate any sort of denial or hope between me and the reality of being stuck here, of never seeing my family again. The cage where I trapped my emotions for Taylor was cracked as well.

I was never supposed to go home or be happy, not if Carter had his way.

Then why did I want him to save me when I knew very well he wasn't going to? I was better off starting a new life here, accepting the fact I'd never see my aunt again or join her for yoga and coffee on Saturday mornings.

I was never going home. Ever. Not in any scenario, no matter what Taylor's people promised me or how many pills Carter sent me to swallow. Taylor was gone, and so was my life.

I didn't have a chance to grieve for him. It suddenly seemed selfish not to have shed a few tears for the man who wanted to spend his life with me, who helped me when I needed it and forgave me knowing what I was going to do to him. After all, no one else but me would mourn him - and he deserved to be remembered.

The emotions I'd been avoiding since I began my adventures washed over me, overwhelming my fatigued mind, and I began to cry. Sensing I wouldn't be able to fight the onslaught of grief, I scooted back until I was safe on the bank, folded my arms around my shaking legs, and sobbed.

Aware of Batu, I wasn't able to push him away when he scooped me into his arms and walked through the rain back to the tent. I huddled and cried, shaking from cold and emotion.

Moments later, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him, draping his tunic over me the way he had the other day. Instead of holding me between his inner and outer layers of clothing, I was in direct contact with his warm skin. I pushed my face into his chest, uncurling from my ball, and clung to him, sobbing my heart out.