Desertion

“Thanks, it helps me more than it helps them.” He shrugs, not taking the praise. Yeah, not so different from Jesse.

“I didn’t think you’d show.” He moves around the room, starting to pick up empty cups left lying around.

“I told you I was interested.” I move forward and help to gather the chairs. “You were right, sitting here hearing these men’s stories of what they went through gives me an insight in to what Jesse is dealing with.” He nods but doesn’t say anything.

“So, has, Jesse ever come to these type of things?” I carefully ask, keeping my voice low.

“He used to. But he stopped last year.”

“Does it not help, talking about what you went through?” I push, wondering why Jesse stopped.

“For some it does. For others talking about it can make it worse.”

“And Jesse? Why doesn’t talking help him?”

“Jesse’s issues are complex, Bell. You have to understand, nothing is going to change what we experienced over there. It’s about learning to live with it, and not let it bring us down. Jesse has a hard time with that.” I nod, even if I don’t understand it. It’s not that I don’t want to know what he’s dealing with, I do more than anything, I just wish Jesse helped me to see it his way.

“Have you spoken to him?”

Conner shakes his head. “He’s still up at that damn house they dropped him off at. I went and visited him yesterday. He was so out of it I don’t even know if he realized I was there.”

“You think it’s wise leaving him on his own?” I question, still unsure it’s the best place for him.

“It’s probably the safest place for him right now. I don’t think he’s going to do anything stupid. He’ll come around. He just needs some time.”

“I hope you’re right.” I bite at my bottom lip, concerned Jesse isn’t going to come around. Last week was rock bottom and I’m second-guessing the decision to cut him out.

“Trust me, Bell. He just needs some time to get his head in a better place.” He tries to assure me.

I nod and take a breath. “I just wish I could help him, Conner,” I say, taking a seat. It’s the first time Conner and I have discussed Jesse since the funeral. Conner was there, saw the fall out and Jesse being an ass. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement. All of Jesse’s family and friends heard his comment. I tried to get out of there, tried to hide my humiliation, but neither Jay nor Jackson would let me leave—not until Nix and the boys dragged Jesse out of there. Only then did Jay drive me home.

It wasn't the most comfortable drive home. It was hard enough meeting Jay for the first time under those sad circumstances. As we drove home in awkward conversation, I came to realize he wasn’t that much different than Jesse. Only he’d come to peace with whatever demons his father cast on him.

“You were helping him. His father’s death has just pushed him too far.” Conner brings me out of my head telling me what I already know. I thought Jesse was moving forward, and letting me in, but the news of his father’s death only served to pull him back.

“I don’t know how he’s going to come back, Conner. Every one of Jesse’s issues stems from that man.”

“He will, Bell. He has a lot of family. We’re not going to let this take him.” Moving forward, he reaches for my hand.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed so hard, expecting him to love me back.” I start to question everything, wondering where I could have helped more.

“Bell, this isn’t your fault. Admitting you love him didn’t make this happen. Jesse has been a ticking time bomb his whole life. I’m surprised he didn’t go off before now. I think you coming into his life kept him at bay for a while, but it was only a matter of time before the countdown to him exploding would engage again.” I nod, because now I’ve had time to process everything that has happened since last weekend, I can see what Conner is saying. Jesse had always managed to push everything down; it was only a matter of time before it all came down around him.

“Been telling him for years to sort his shit out, but only he can make it happen, Bell. Maybe now he’s lost his father, he realizes living the way he has been living isn’t healthy.”

“I hope you’re right, Conner.” I smile, even if there is nothing worth smiling for right now. “I just wish it didn’t end the way it did. That hurts the most.” I wipe at my face, still hurting over his words and how he pushed me out.

“It will work out, you’ll see.” He takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “And if it doesn’t, who needs that jackass when you have me?” He winks and flashes me a grin.

“Oh, God.” I laugh, knowing he’s just messing with me.

“There she is. Come on, you’re buying me dinner.” He nudges me and orders me out. I follow along willingly. The last thing I need is to be alone, and if I can’t have Jesse’s humor, I needed the next best thing—his best friend’s.

Thirty-Five JESSE

“Wake up, motherfucker. Vacation is over.” I hear the words break though my dream.

“Huh?” I groan when Nix’s voice brings me out of my sleep. Great, I’m still fucking here.

“Vacation is over, fucker. I’m taking you back to the clubhouse. Get your ass in the goddamn shower, you stink like a homeless fuck.” Nix kicks at my feet, knocking them off the table in front of me.