Desertion

“It’s going to be fine, Bell. Trust me,” she says, but we both know it’s not true.

“Hey, Bell, how you doing?” Kelly asks when she walks in from the kitchen. Her eyes grow wide and she halts when she sees my neck. “Fuck, Bell.” The curse makes me cringe because it says it all. It’s bad.

“I’m fine,” I rush out, wishing I did a better job at covering the bruises up.

“Babe, that doesn’t look fine.” She steps in closer, getting a better look.

“Please don’t.” I reach for her hand and squeeze it, needing her to know we can’t do this right now. Not here. Not ever.

She sighs when I retreat but doesn’t push. “Okay,” she says, pulling me into a hug. I accept it and bring my arms around her.

“He’s not in a good place, so thank you for coming.” I hold on to her tighter, needing her to know I understand. These people love him as much as I do, and in turn, it makes me love them all the more.

“Kelly, I need you,” Kadence calls from the kitchen. She pulls back and I’m grateful for the interruption. I don’t need to lose it before I even get to see Jesse.

“We’ll be talking later.” She sets a firm look on me, before turning and heading back to the kitchen and leaving me alone with Holly. The clubhouse is quiet, the normal weekend crowd not in yet. I’ve already said hello to everyone on the way in. I’m just waiting to see Jesse.

“Maybe I should just meet you all at the funeral.” I look around again, anticipation building at seeing him.

“You can ride with me. It’s fine.” Holly’s hand wraps around my wrist, not letting me retreat.

“Jesse, we’re ready. Let’s go!” Nix bellows as he walks out of the kitchen followed by Kadence who’s holding Low, and Sy who’s holding X.

I stand awkwardly, hiding myself behind Holly. My hands shake at my side and my heart beats erratically in my chest knowing this isn’t going to end well. I shouldn’t have come here. I should leave before he even sees me. Before I can retreat, Jesse turns the corner and I’m shocked. It’s only been a week, but the man in front of me looks nothing like who I remember. Sunken eyes, messy hair and an unshaven face. I want to call out and get his attention, make sure I am looking at Jesse Carter, but I can’t speak. He’s broken and hurting, the urge to cry for him becoming too strong.

“Hold it together,” Holly warns just as Jesse’s eyes find mine. I don’t react at first, waiting to see how he responds. He holds my stare for a moment, before his eyes do a quick sweep of my body then rest on my neck.

“Jesse,” I finally croak out. A sob follows my greeting but I manage to keep it together.

His eyes shift back up to me at his name, but he doesn’t respond to my greeting, his stare devoid of any emotion. Fighting the need to step forward and take his hand, I tell him, “I’m sorry for your loss.” There’s a brief flash of anger in his eyes, which fades quickly into nothing, and I’m paralyzed by how quickly he shuts down.

“So, we should get going.” Holly’s voice breaks the silence, her body stepping forward and gaining Jesse’s attention. With out another glance my way, he nods once, then turns and walks out not saying a word.

“That went well then,” Holly whispers when it’s just us left alone.

“He didn’t say a word to me, Holly.” I finally drag some much-needed air down to my lungs and try not to let his indifference shake me.

“He didn’t tell you to go suck a dick either, so I think you’re winning so far.” She smiles, waiting for me to react. I don’t.

Dread sits in the pit of my belly and insecurity blankets me. I shouldn’t have come. I should have let him come to me.

What was I thinking?

Thirty-Three JESSE

“On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”

I almost laugh at the last sentence. Please , Honorable? The man being lowered into the ground doesn’t deserve such honor. He most definitely doesn’t deserve the respect.

With shaky hands, I watch my mom reach out and take the folded flag. Sobs wrack her body as she hugs it to her chest. It’s a moment of real reflection. I know I should feel something right now.

Loss.

Pain.

Peace.

But I feel nothing. I lived my life with a drunk father. A pathetic, useless father who wouldn’t know love or respect if it hit him in the face, yet we’re all here showing it to him in death. The fact I have to stand here in the first place makes me sick. I wasn’t going to come, but after a warning from Nix, Jackson and even Kadence, I knew it would be more of a hassle to fight it.

“Jesse, did you hear me?” My mother’s hand reaches out and brings me back to the moment.

“Huh?” I look up and see everyone starting to move away. Shit, it’s over?

“So, we’ll meet you back at the house?” Her face is puffy and her makeup is smudged from her tears, but she’s managing to hold it together.

“Yep, sure,” I agree, just as I lock eyes on Bell.

“Okay, love you, son.” She pulls me down for a hug and kisses me just like any other day.

“Love you, too, Mom,” I reply as she squeezes me tight.

“It means a lot you came.” She cries again, before turning and walking toward the parked cars.