Desertion

Part of me wasn’t expecting him to come back, the other part counting down the seconds he was away. I thought about leaving, retreating to the comfort of my own home, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. I know he’s hurting and it wasn’t easy to walk away from him, so I stayed and decided we would work it out when he calmed down. I know I shouldn’t have pushed him earlier. I don’t know why I did. After he left, Sy and Beau told me not to worry, but how could I not? I needed him to know I didn’t want to put a wedge between us. Not now.

“Bell?” Jesse calls my name again as he climbs into bed.

“Yeah?” I give up feigning sleep and turn over. My stomach drops at the sight of him. Dark circles under his eyes, his drained features stare back at me. I know he’s suffering, I just wish he would open up to me, instead of internalizing it all.

“You okay?” I ask when he doesn’t say anything.

“Yeah.” He sighs, resting his arm over his face.

“What’s happening? Talk to me.” I move closer, pressing my cheek to his naked chest.

“You were right.” I wait for him to continue but he doesn’t say anything.

“No, Jesse, I wasn’t.” I sit up, my hands aching to hold him, to ignite hope back into him. “I shouldn’t have pushed you. I’m sorry.” The tears fall freely and I don’t know if I’m crying for us, for him, or for a man I barely know.

“Never apologize for being honest, Bell. Always honesty.” He tugs me back down, tucking my back to his front. “I’m fighting a battle I’m not gonna win. I go to him and give him the peace everyone except me thinks he deserves, or I don’t and then I’m left with guilt. Either way, he wins.”

“No one wins, Jesse. Not when it comes to love and death. You just have to choose what’s going to hurt you less.” He’s quiet in his thoughts, only holding me tighter.

“Sleep,” he finally says, shifting us to our sides.

“I love you, Jesse,” I whisper, not caring if I say it. The man needs to know what love is, even if it frightens him.

I don’t know how we are going to get through what is coming, but I know if he doesn’t push me away, I’ll be there.

“Fucking stay with me. I’m not going to let you die,” Jesse mumbles in his sleep later that night. “Noooo!” he shouts louder, thrashing harder. I react immediately, attempting to soothe him.

“Jesse, wake up. You’re dreaming,” I whisper, waiting for him to respond. He doesn’t so I turn and reach for the bedside light.

I know last time he told me not to touch him, but looking down at him now, I can’t help reaching out to comfort him. After our fight earlier, I need to know he’s okay.

“The fuck,” he barks, rolling me to my back while his hand wraps around my neck and restricts my airway. At first I’m frozen, unsure what to do. Is he still dreaming?

“Jesse,” I squeak, struggling against his hold, kicking out and fighting to escape. The bedside lamp knocks to the floor, the glass of water I took to bed smashing beside it. His grip grows stronger the more I fight. Changing my tactic, I reach out and scratch his face, the small amount of air I am getting is not enough and black dots flicker in front of my face. I try to hold on, but darkness starts to blanket me, dragging me down to a place I don’t deserve.

“It’s me,” I manage to groan as I push my fingers into his eyes. I don’t think of hurting him. My need to survive takes over because Jesse is no longer the man I love, he’s the man who’s trying to kill me.

Suddenly, Jesse is pulled off me and I manage to drag much-needed air down my throat.

“What the fuck?” Jesse grunts from the floor beside the bed.

“Bell!” Holly’s anguished cry moves my gaze from a disorientated Jesse.

“The fuck is wrong with you?” Sy stands between Jesse and I. His chest rises and falls as he assumes a stance that says don’t fucking think about going to her.

I’m still finding it hard to catch my breath and my neck is throbbing so hard I’m worried Jesse has done some serious damage.

“Ggg.” I struggle to move the words past my throat, and the tears start to fall.

“Holly, get her out of here,” Sy orders. Holly doesn’t think twice, takes my hand and helps me out of the room. I look down at Jesse still on the floor. His eyes come to me, and for the first time since I’ve known him, I freely see the pain behind his eyes.

“Bell!” he calls to me, but I can’t bring myself to stop.

“Don’t fucking talk to her, fucker.” I hear Sy say as Holly walks me down to the kitchen.

“Oh, God, Bell. What the fuck happened?” She sits me down at the table and moves to the freezer. My hands tremble in front of me, so I fold them into each other hoping they calm.

“I don’t know,” I manage to wheeze before Holly returns with an ice tray and a dish cloth. “How did you guys…” I stop to swallow, the pain too much to talk through.

“I heard Jesse shouting, then you scream, and a glass smashing.” She shakes her head. “I knew something wasn’t right, so I woke Sy up and came to check.” Her hand shakes as she reaches forward and passes me her makeshift ice pack.

“I’m okay, Holly.” I grasp her hand and give her a squeeze.

“Jesus, I can’t imagine what would have happened if we didn’t come in.” Her lip quivers and it nearly sets me off.