Desertion

“What the fuck are you doing with her, Jesse?” he starts on me. I wait till Bell’s car takes the corner before I walk back inside the club. Jackson stays close behind me. “You’re in too deep here, Jesse,” he adds when I don’t answer. “Are you even listening to me, fucker?” He taps me over the head when I stop at the bar.

“What?” I ask, rubbing the side of my head letting him have his play.

“Hey, Jackson.” Holly comes to stand by me to greet him.

“Hey, Holly, how are you?” He asks and it’s my chance to get away from him. I walk over to the pool table and set up for a solo game.

“I’m good. Really good.” She replies as I continue to set up.

“How are your mom and dad?” Holly asks as I take my first shot, but block out Jackson’s reply. I know whatever is happening with Mom and Dad is the reason he’s here tonight. I for one don’t give one fuck right now. They talk for a few minutes as I continue with my game.

“Jesse, we’re doing pizza for dinner, you down?” Holly interrupts my train of thought as I work on sinking my fifth ball.

“Yeah,” I say as the ball rolls into the top right-hand pocket.

“Shame Bell couldn’t stay.” She taps the side of the table before leaving to sit back with Sy and X over on the sofa.

“Bell was in a rush to head off?” Jackson moves closers and my hopes of letting this go flies out the window.

“It’s Paige’s birthday. Family does a dinner every year.” I shrug and take another shot.

“You’re fucking falling for her.”

“Who?” I act dumb. He’s right but I’m not about to let him know it.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with her.” I look up from the table wanting to know how he knows who I’ve been spending my time with.

“How the fuck do you know what I’ve been doing?” I glare, but we both know he’s not going to answer. “Is there a reason you’re here, Jackson?” I move on, taking my last shot and sinking the eight ball.

“You’re gonna regret it.” He answers with another jab as I begin to set up another game. “You and I both know how this will pan out, Jesse. Why do you want to hurt her?”

“You have no idea what the fuck you are talking about, big brother.” I finally look up. I’m fucking done with this conversation and more importantly done with Jackson thinking he knows me.

“You fucking will. You think you’re being smart, getting mixed up with her, but what’s going to happen when you’ve had your fill? What are you going to do then? You’ll fucking break her.” He says everything I think about daily. I keep my face blank. I don’t need him knowing he’s hitting me low. “You’re not what she needs.”

“Are you fucking done?” My fist comes down on the side of the table. Holly and Sy stop talking and look over our way. “You don’t think I know this, Jackson?” Jackson’s hand comes to my shoulder, but I don’t need him trying to calm me. “Fuck off.” I shake him off and move around the table away from him.

“You okay, Jesse?” Sy stands, Holly following him closely.

“I’m good.” I nod, not needing everyone in on my shit. He returns my nod and tells Holly to follow him outside, giving us the space we need. Not that it will fucking help. If Jackson keeps pushing me, I’ll lose my shit and my brothers will all see it go down.

“You don’t talk about her to me again. You understand me? My fucking business, big brother.” I level my glare at him, urging him to push me.

“Fuck! Fine! What about Dad then? You ready to talk about that?” He moves on to another situation I don’t want to talk about. Not today. Not tomorrow.

“No and don’t ask me again. Is this all you came here for tonight? To bust my balls?” I ask him and go back to my game.

“What are you going to do when he dies?” His hand snakes out, scooping up the cue ball as it rolls past him.

“I don’t have time to think about that, Jackson. I’ve got a lot on my mind.” I brush it off. I never want to think about it again.

“Well, you’re gonna have to start thinking about it, Jesse. He doesn’t have much time.”

“Jesus, Jackson, I need fucking time!” I throw the pool cue down on the table, letting him get to me. Fuck! I just need some fucking peace.

“I’m only thinking about you, Jesse. How are you going to handle this shit when he’s gone? Have you thought about Mom? What about Bell? You can’t bring her in on this shit. Now is your chance to deal with all this.” I get what he’s saying, I even agree with the fucker, but I wasn’t lying when I said I had too much going on. I can’t just deal with this shit like him. Never have been the type to deal head on, I live in my head. I need time, something Jackson fails to deliver on.

“I’ll think about it, Jackson. Just don’t fucking push,” I tell him, starting to feel those walls closing in on me again.

“Fine, let me know when you decide.” He taps the pool table ending our conversation.

I shouldn’t have told him I would think about it, because the fucker will keep hounding me for the next week. I know I need to sort this shit out with my dad, but I can’t think about it right now. I can’t fucking think about him.

After Jackson leaves, I finish my game and head back to bed before any of my brothers ask me what’s happening with my dad. I contemplate calling Bell, letting her conversation soothe me, but I need time to think: think about my family, my father, and what the fuck I’m going to do. But I find after an hour, all I can think about is Bell.