Desertion

“You did this then?” She looks up at me, not holding back.

“It was my fault, yes.”

“The fuck it was,” Conner jumps in ready to defend my honor.

“You did this or you didn’t, Jesse. What is it?” Bell asks again.

“What the fuck have you been telling people, Carter?” Conner asks; however, I’m too caught up in Bell’s stare to answer.

“I’m the reason he’s in this hospital,” I tell them.

“How?” Conner asks this time. “You fire at me?”

“No.”

“You set out that day to blow us up?”

“Fucking hell, Conner.” I sigh, knowing where he’s heading. No, I didn’t fucking blow our Humvee up, but I couldn’t get him out quick enough.

“Explain to me how this is your fault?”

“You never wanted any of this. You begged me, Conner. Did I fucking listen?” I hear Conner’s words in my head.

“Jesse, we’ve been over this. I wasn’t thinking straight.” Conner sighs, but I don’t need him to tell me he’s okay with it. I was there. I relive his pleas to let him die every night. He never wanted this.

“Besides, you see me moping around?” he fires and he’s right. I just don’t get his fucking upbeat attitude. I escaped with a fractured ankle and a shattered tibia, which ultimately ruined my career, but I can still live a normal life. Conner’s life revolves around rehab and surgery after surgery.

“Jesse.” Bell comes back into the conversation but I know what she’s going to say. I just don’t need to hear it.

“I need some air. Be back.” I move to the door. I see Bell stand but I don’t want her around me.

“Don’t, Bell,” I warn, not looking back.

“Leave him, Bell.” I hear Conner say but I don’t stick around to hear her reply. I’m out of there before the walls close in around me and I’m back in the Humvee, with the smell of burned flesh singeing my nostrils.

If only it was me that lost my legs.

Eighteen BELL

“I should go check on him.” I turn back to Conner, wishing I understood what Jesse was going through.

“Leave him. He needs space when he gets like this.” I nod, knowing what he means.

“So tell me, Bell, how long have you been together?” He points to the chair, motioning for me to sit down again. I only hold back for a second, knowing Jesse won’t talk anyway.

“Oh, we aren’t together,” I rush out and take a seat. As much as I’d like to call Jesse mine, I don’t think he would appreciate it. Especially when he told the nurse we weren’t together.

“He’s never brought a woman to meet me before.”

“Does he come visit often?” I ignore the flutter in my stomach knowing I’m the first girl Jesse has brought to meet his friend.

“Only when I’m here.” He laughs, but it’s not light.

I nod, looking around the room “Are you here a lot?”

“More times than I’d like to count. Hopefully after this visit, I can finally get my life back.” I nod, hoping he gets his wish.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, not even beginning to understand what he must live through.

“Has he ever talked about what happened that day?” he asks carefully.

“Jesse doesn’t talk about anything,” I tell him on a laugh. It’s hard enough getting him to talk about his family.

“Typical,” he scoffs. “He thinks he’s to blame, but the truth is if he wasn’t there, I would have died. He saved me. He saved himself, and he saved me. I wanted to give up. Fuck, it would have been easier, but the fucker wouldn’t let me.”

I don’t know what to say, so I nod. I can imagine Jesse being a proud Marine, feeling guilt for what happened to his friend. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

“I don’t understand him.” I sigh. Hearing Conner’s story, I can understand why he would feel a sense of guilt, but to this degree?

“His father, have you met that sonofabitch?” Conner asks.

“Only briefly, a few months ago.” I remember the hard man I met when Jesse was in the hospital. I know Jesse and his father are not on good terms at the moment, but getting any information out of Jesse is like pulling teeth.

“Oh, so you know the asshole is a piece of work. He fucked him up bad. I don’t know the full story, but I do know Jesse is the way he is, because of him. War just fucked with him a little more.” I let the words hang between us for a moment. What sort of life has Jesse lived if war only fucks you up a little more…

“I’m not scaring you, am I?” Conner laughs when I look up.

“Ha! Barely,” I lie, not really sure how I feel. It doesn’t take much to see Jesse has some serious issues. But it’s the issues he doesn’t talk about that worry me.

“You telling stories about me again, fucker?” Jesse walks back in, halting any more talk of him.

“Nah, just trying to hit on your girl.” He teases. I tense at Conner’s jab and wait for Jesse’s reaction.

“Good luck with that. Took me a few times to get her to smile.” Jesse looks over at me. I raise my brows and watch him challenge me. The fact he doesn’t shut down Conner’s slip makes me happy, but I know we are a long way from any sort of labeling.

“That’s because you’re not funny,” I joke back, hoping to relax him a little.