Desertion

“No, sweetheart.” He laughs, but it’s forced.

“I know all about messed-up families,” I say, comfortable enough to talk to him about Paige. It’s no secret our family is screwed up after Paige, but it’s not something I freely talk about either. I’m not sure what it is that makes me feel at ease enough to talk to Jesse. It’s just something about him that makes me want to tell him everything.

“I don’t know where to start.” He stops walking and releases me from his hold. The cool air hits me in the absence of him but I wrap my arms around me and try to fight off the chill.

“Jesse, if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay,” I encourage when he stops talking. Part of me wants to push him, the other part understands and doesn’t.

“My dad’s dying,” he blurts out in a rush and I gasp at the shock of it.

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” I step toward him, but his hand comes up, stopping me.

“Don’t be,” he spits out and I recoil. “He’s not a good man, Bell.” I let his words register before deciding to respond.

“He’s still your dad, Jesse. I can understand why you’re upset.”

“The man wasn’t a father, but more of a drill sergeant. I’m not upset he’s dying, but hearing the news has fucked with my head.” I nod, unsure how to approach his confession. I barely know anything about Jesse’s family. It’s one subject he doesn’t talk about much in our late night calls. I know he is somewhat close with Detective Carter, and that he has another brother Jay. His mother is a sweet woman, but other than that, nothing. I remember the tension back in the hospital with his father when Jesse came in with the cut and busted foot. I could tell there were issues, but I’ve never been brave enough to ask. “It’s just complicated and I wasn’t expecting this news tonight,” he adds.

“I understand,” I tell him, because I do know what it’s like to have everything you know come down around you.

“I don’t know how I ended up at your place. I just took a ride and next thing I knew, I was knocking on your door.” He runs his hand through his hair. If I couldn’t see how tense he was, I’d be able to feel it.

“I don’t know what you’ve done to me, Bell. But you’re messing with my head,” he confesses. Hearing it makes me feel less like a lovesick fool for feeling the same way, but it also frightens me.

“Jesse.”

“Don’t say anything.” He stops me from telling him I feel the same way. “Just ignore I said that.” He smiles unsure, but how could I let it go when it’s what I’ve been feeling.

“I feel the same,” I whisper, watching his face for his reaction. I know Jesse doesn’t want me to admit it, but there is no telling my mind that when he invades my thoughts every day. “If it makes you feel any better, I can’t stop thinking about you.” I give him more, hoping he feels less messed up about it.

“That’s what I was afraid of.” He lets out a deep sigh. “I’m not what you need, Bell. I don’t do relationships.” I nod, knowing this already.

“You fuck.” I remember what he told me in the beginning.

“I do, sweetheart.” He nods, and even though it shouldn’t, disappointment fills me. I knew from the start what type of man Jesse was; yet somehow, I am still drawn to him. I can’t control it.

“I think you should take me home,” I force myself to say, before I find myself giving in to something I don’t think I’m ready for. The stupid part of me thought, with the late night calls, getting to know each other that maybe he might have changed his view, but I can see I was wrong.

“Okay, Bell,” he agrees, taking my hand and walking back down the path. The trek back to the bike is silent as I lose myself in the knowledge this will have to be the last time we talk. No more text messages through the night, no more showing up for lunch at work. We need to cut all ties. I know it’s for the best. I just need my heart to understand.

“I’m sorry, Bell.” Jesse finally breaks the silence as he hands me my helmet.

“You’re a good man, Jesse.” If only he could see his self-worth. See what I see. I don’t know why he is denying himself. No man talks to a woman for over a month every night and tells them they are only good for one night.

“A good man wouldn’t be thinking about fucking you right here, against my bike, Bell. Wondering how good you would taste under my tongue. Or how tight your pussy would feel gripping my cock.” The words vibrate over a growl and my stomach clenches at his words. He steps closer, but I don’t have enough time to retreat before he continues, “A good man wouldn’t want to bend you over right here out in public and want to make you scream. I’m not a good man, Bell. I’m a bad man, and you need to stay away from me.” My hand finds the seat of his bike, steadying myself under the impact of his words. No one has ever spoken to me like this before, and I don’t know how to respond.

“Even just you looking at me now, you have no idea what you’re doing to me. The need to consume you is so strong, but I know I can’t do it. It’s like I’m waging a war inside me. My head knows it’s a bad idea, but no matter how hard I try to stay away, my body craves you.” His words do things to me I never knew possible. This all-consuming need to give myself to him is so strong, paired with the fact this could be my last chance to have him, I don’t know if I can let him walk way.