Daisy In The Field

Now it was very hard for me to meet Faustina St. Clair, and

bear the supercilious air of confident triumph with which she

regarded me. I think nobody could have observed this or read

it but myself only; its tokens were too exceedingly slight

and inappreciable for anything but the tension of my own heart

to feel. I always felt it, whenever we were in company

together; and though I always said at such times, "Christian

cannot love her," - when I was at home and alone, the shadow

of doubt and jealousy came over me again. Everything withers

in that shadow. A woman must either put it out of her heart,

somehow, or grow a diseased and sickly thing, mentally and

morally. I found that I was coming to this in my own mind and

character; and that brought me to a stand.

I shut myself up one or two nights - I could not command my

days - and spent the whole night in thinking and praying. Two

things were before me. The story might be somehow untrue. Time

would show. In the meanwhile, nothing but trust would have

done honour to Mr. Thorold or to myself. I thought it was

untrue. But suppose it were not, - suppose that the joy of my

life were gone, passed over to another; who had done it? By

whose will was my life stripped? The false faith or the

weakness of friend or enemy could not have wrought thus, if it

had not been the will of God that His child should be so

tried; that she should go through just this sorrow, for some

great end or reason known only to Himself. Could I not trust

Him -?

If there is a vulture whose claws are hard to unloose from the

vitals of the spirit, I think it is jealousy. I found it had

got hold of me, and was tearing the life out of me. I knew it

in time. O sing praise to our King, you who know Him! he is

mightier than our enemies; we need not be the prey of any. But

I struggled and prayed, more than one night through, before

faith could gain the victory. Then it did. I gave the matter

into my Lord's hands. If he had decreed that I was to lose Mr.

Thorold, and in this way, - why, I was my Lord's, to do with

as He pleased; it would all be wise and glorious, and kind

too, whatever He did. I would just leave that. But in the mean

time, till I knew that He had taken my joy from me, I would

not believe it; but would go on trusting the friend I had

believed so deserving of trust. I would believe in Mr. Thorold

still and be quiet, till I knew my confidence was misplaced.