Courtship of the Recluse

He touched her arm. "Cindy," he spoke gently. "I've always respected you." He lifted her chin with a curled index finger and forced her to meet his solemn gaze. "I swear, I never intended for things to go that far. I thought I could control my emotions. I always have before. But when you kissed me, something snapped inside. It was my fault. I knew I was losing control and I should have stopped then. To be perfectly honest, at that point, I didn't want to."

She gazed up into his face. "Why should you? I was completely submissive. I thought there was no situation I couldn't handle outside of rape - and I didn't believe you would do that." She shook her head in amazement. "It wasn't that I didn't know when things started getting out of control. It's just that...well, after that, it all happened so fast."

He colored and looked away, dropping his hand.

"I'm sorry. I guess we both lacked experience. I didn't mean to hurt you. When I heard you crying in the bathroom..." He brushed a crumb from the seat and cleared his throat. "I knew I had ruined everything between us. I felt sick to my stomach."

She stared at him. "I wanted you to say something - anything. Instead, you acted like you wanted to forget the whole thing."

They were both silent for a few moments, remembering that emotion packed morning - and another one. "Russ?" His name came easily to her lips this time.

He glanced up. "Yes?"

"If you wanted to marry me, why did you tell me you only wanted to spend a few nights with me? Don't you know how bad that hurt?"

He stared at her blankly. "I never said that."

"Yes you did. You said marriage was for people who wanted to spend a lifetime together, not a few nights."

His face was a road map of emotion, traveling from puzzled, to comprehensive and then on to frustration. He grimaced.

"I can see right now that I'm going to have to be more explicit when I talk to you. If you'll think back, my message was that spending a few nights together wasn't a good reason to get married. I wanted you to tell me that wasn't your sole reason for wanting to get married. When you didn't answer, I thought maybe it was your only reason and you thought better of it."

She reached out and touched his cheek. "Which made three times you were broaching the subject of matrimony and I thwarted your attempts. I must have been driving you crazy. I guess that's what you meant in the diner when you told me to hold that thought."