Cold Days (The Dresden Files 14)

I shook my head.

"No, you don't get a pass on this one, little brother," Thomas said. "Say it."

"Into a monster," I snapped.

"Right," Thomas said. "A monster. Like me."

"That isn't what I meant."

"It is exactly what you meant," he spat, angry. "You arrogant . . ." He flung the tent spike in a fit of pure frustration. It tumbled end over end once, and sank two inches into a wooden beam. "You were going to be tempted, eh? Going to have to deal with monstrous urges? Going to have to face the possibility that you might change if you lost focus for a minute? Lose control of yourself? Maybe hurt somebody you care about?" He shook his head. "Cry me a f**king river, man. Boo-fucking-hoo."

I couldn't look at him.

"You'd rather be dead than be like me," he said. "That's one hell of a thing to say to your brother."

"It wasn't about that," I said.

"It kind of was," he snapped back. "Dammit, Harry."

"I can't go back and change it," I said. "Maybe I would if I could. But it's done. I'm sorry, but it is."

"You should have talked to me," he said.

"Thomas."

"You should have trusted me," he said. "Dammit, man."

The memory of those desperate hours hit me hard. I felt so helpless. My daughter had been taken away from her home, and for all the times I had gone out on a limb for others, no one had seemed willing to do the same for me. The White Council for whom I had fought a war had turned its back on me. Time had been running out. And the life of a little girl who had never known her father was on the line.

"Why?" I asked him tiredly. "What would it have changed? What could you possibly have said that would have made a difference?"

"That I was your brother, Harry," he said. "That I loved you. That I knew a few things about denying the dark parts of your nature. And that we would get through it." He put his elbows on his knees and rested his forehead on his hands. "That we'd figure it out. That you weren't alone."

Stab.

Twist.

He was right. It was just that simple. My brother was right. I had been self-involved and arrogant. Maybe it was understandable, given the pressures on me at the time, but that didn't mean that I hadn't made bad calls of colossal proportion.

I should have talked to him. Trusted him. I hadn't even tried to consider anyone other than Maggie, hadn't even thought to start seeking support from my family. I'd just moved right along to the part of the plan where I hired one of the world's premier supernatural assassins to whack me. That probably said something about the state of despair I'd been in at the time.

But it didn't say as much as I had about my brother. He was right about that, too. It wasn't something I had ever consciously faced before, but I had told Thomas, with my actions, that it was better to be dead than a monster-a monster like him. And actions speak far more loudly than words.

I always thought it would get easier to be a person as I aged. But it just gets more and more complicated.

"I'm sorry. I should have talked to you then," I said. My voice sounded hoarse. "I should have talked to you three months ago. But I couldn't because I made the wrong call. I didn't think I should contact anyone."

"Why not?" he asked, looking up.

"Because I didn't deserve to do it," I said quietly. "Because I sold out. Because I was ashamed."

He came to his feet, angry. "Oh, absolutely, I get that. I mean, you had to stay away. Otherwise we all would have known that you aren't perfect, you gawking, stupid, arrogant, egotistical . . ."

He hit my chest and wrapped his arms around me so hard that I felt my ribs creaking.

". . . clumsy, short-tempered, exasperating, goofy, useless . . ."

I hugged my brother back and listened to a steady string of derogatory adjectives until he finished it.

". . . ass**le."

"Yeah," I said. "I missed you, too."

Chapter Fifteen

Thomas got us to the island navigating by the stars.

I kept checking the ship's compass. Not because I didn't trust my brother, but because I had no freaking idea how he managed to keep the Water Beetle on course without one. Molly had spent the first part of the trip down in the cabin, wrapped up in some blankets: It was a chilly night out on the lake. Thomas and I were comfortable in shirts. I suspected my apprentice was still feeling the aftereffects of standing too close to my reunion with Thomas.

I filled Thomas in on recent events on the way out, omitting only the details on the immortal-killing thing. I had a sinking feeling that knowing something that important about beings that powerful was an excellent way to get yourself killed horribly on any night of the year that wasn't Halloween.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Thomas said, when I finished the briefing. "Have you seen her yet?"

I scowled. "Seen who?"

"You tell me," he said.

"Just you and Molly," I said.

He gave me a look of profound disappointment, and shook his head.

"Thanks, Dad," I said.

"You're alive," he said. "You owe it to her to go see her."

"Maybe when this is done," I said.

"You might be dead by then," he said. "Empty night, Harry. Didn't your little adventure in the lake teach you a damned thing?"

I scowled some more. "Like what?"

"Like life is short," he said. "Like you don't know when it's going to end. Like some things, left unsaid, can't ever be said." He sighed. "I'm a freaking vampire, man. I rip out pieces of people's souls and eat them, and make them happy to have it happen."

I didn't say anything. That was what my brother was. He was more than that, too, but it would have been stupid to deny that part of him.

"I'm mostly a monster," he said. "And even I know that she deserves to hear you tell her you love her. Even if she never gets anything more than that."

I frowned. "Wait. Who are we talking about here?"

"Either," he said. "Stop being an idiot. Stop flagellating yourself about how you endanger her by being in her life. You're the only you in her life, Harry. Believe me. They don't make replacements for a guy like you."

"They don't make replacements for anybody," I said tiredly. "We'll see."

Thomas looked at me like he wanted to push. But he didn't.

"So what about you?" I asked. "Justine and her playmate keeping you company?"