Carry On
Page 97“And you still can’t remember a basic weatherization spell. Where are the girls?”
“Halfway to London by now.”
“Why aren’t you with them?”
He shrugs.
I walk down the last steps into the foyer and take out my wand.
He holds up his hand. “I’d prefer to just take a shower and change, if you don’t mind.”
“Why’d you come back?” I say—softly, just in case Mordelia is lurking around.
“I can leave if I’m not welcome.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I thought you’d be happy that I came back.”
I step closer to him, and my voice drops to a menace. “Why? So we can tumble around and kiss and pretend to be happy boyfriends?”
He shakes his head, like he’s at his limit, then rolls his eyes mightily. “Yeah … I guess so. Yes. Let’s do that, okay?”
I fold my arms. “Take off your shoes. I’ll find you something to wear. You’ll make us late to dinner.”
* * *
Simon looks stunning in a grey suit.
SIMON
Baz might just pretend that nothing had ever happened between us. He’d make me feel like I dreamt this whole thing—like I was a maniac and a moron for believing he’d ever felt something for me.
I was already feeling like a maniac and a moron in the car with Penny and Agatha.
Agatha was on a rant. Which almost never happens. (It usually only happens when we’re stranded or kidnapped or stuck at the bottom of a well that’s rapidly filling with water.) But she was clearly fed up with the both of us.
“What were you thinking?” she demanded of me. “Those are the Pitches. He is a vampire.”
“That’s never stopped you from cavorting with him in the Wavering Wood,” Penny said to her.
“That happened once,” Agatha said. “And it was an adolescent crush.”
“It was?” I said.
“I was only hoping for a kiss—I wasn’t conspiring against the Mage!”
“You were?” I couldn’t even figure out who I was jealous over in this situation. Both of them, I guess.
“We aren’t conspiring against the Mage!” Penny argued. “We’re conspiring … apart from him.”
“As far as I can tell,” Agatha said, “you don’t know what you’re doing.”
I worried that she was right.
Everything was turned upside down: co-operating with Baz, keeping secrets from the Mage. What would Agatha say if she knew about the kissing?
“You’re not even gay, Simon.”
I rubbed my palms into my eyes.
“Headache,” I said.
“You’re not even gay,” she’d say, “and he’s not even alive.”
“Do you want me to try and shrink it?” Penny offered, leaning back between the bucket seats.
“My head?”
“Your headache.”
“Merlin, no. I’ll be fine.”
“You’re not even gay, and he’s not even alive, and that isn’t even the worst part of this idea—what will the Mage say?”
“It isn’t your job to solve murders,” Agatha said. “You’re not the police.”
“Now, there’s an interesting concept,” Penny said. “Magickal law enforcement. I’d like magickal social programmes, as well. Plus a department of health and wellness.”
“The Mage’s Men are the police,” Agatha said.
“The Mage’s Men are some sort of personal army.”
“You’re talking about your brother!” Agatha shouted, pulling herself forward over the steering wheel.
“I know!” Penny shouted back. “We’re in desperate need of reforms!”
“But the Mage is the Great Reformer!”
“Oh, anyone can call themselves that. Besides, Agatha, I know you think the Mage is a tax-happy interloper with a chip on his shoulder about the aristocracy. I’ve heard you say so.”
“Stop,” I choked out. “Pull over.”
Penny turned back to me. “Are you okay? Are you going to be sick?”
“No,” I said. “I just need to get out. Please.”
Agatha yanked the car over to the side of the road, kicking up a cloud of dust and gravel, then turned in her seat to look at me. “What’s wrong, Simon?”
“I need to go back.”
“Why?”
I put my hand on the door handle. “I … forgot something.”
“Surely it can wait,” she said.
“It can’t.”
“Then I’ll drive you back.”
“No.”
“Simon,” Penny said seriously, “what’s this about?”
I opened the door. “I need to go back and make sure that Baz is okay.”
“Baz is fine,” Agatha insisted as I climbed out.
“He’s not fine! We just found out that he was in a coffin for six weeks.”