Carmilla

You are not to suppose that I worried her incessantly on these subjects.

I watched opportunity, and rather insinuated than urged my inquiries.

Once or twice, indeed, I did attack her more directly. But no matter

what my tactics, utter failure was invariably the result. Reproaches and

caresses were all lost upon her. But I must add this, that her evasion

was conducted with so pretty a melancholy and deprecation, with so many,

and even passionate declarations of her liking for me, and trust in my

honor, and with so many promises that I should at last know all, that I

could not find it in my heart long to be offended with her.

She used to place her pretty arms about my neck, draw me to her, and

laying her cheek to mine, murmur with her lips near my ear, "Dearest,

your little heart is wounded; think me not cruel because I obey the

irresistible law of my strength and weakness; if your dear heart is

wounded, my wild heart bleeds with yours. In the rapture of my enormous

humiliation I live in your warm life, and you shall die--die, sweetly

die--into mine. I cannot help it; as I draw near to you, you, in your

turn, will draw near to others, and learn the rapture of that cruelty,

which yet is love; so, for a while, seek to know no more of me and mine,

but trust me with all your loving spirit."

And when she had spoken such a rhapsody, she would press me more closely

in her trembling embrace, and her lips in soft kisses gently glow

upon my cheek.

Her agitations and her language were unintelligible to me.

From these foolish embraces, which were not of very frequent occurrence,

I must allow, I used to wish to extricate myself; but my energies seemed

to fail me. Her murmured words sounded like a lullaby in my ear, and

soothed my resistance into a trance, from which I only seemed to recover

myself when she withdrew her arms.

In these mysterious moods I did not like her. I experienced a strange

tumultuous excitement that was pleasurable, ever and anon, mingled with

a vague sense of fear and disgust. I had no distinct thoughts about her

while such scenes lasted, but I was conscious of a love growing into

adoration, and also of abhorrence. This I know is paradox, but I can

make no other attempt to explain the feeling.

I now write, after an interval of more than ten years, with a trembling

hand, with a confused and horrible recollection of certain occurrences

and situations, in the ordeal through which I was unconsciously passing;

though with a vivid and very sharp remembrance of the main current of

my story.

But, I suspect, in all lives there are certain emotional scenes, those

in which our passions have been most wildly and terribly roused, that

are of all others the most vaguely and dimly remembered.