Broken and Screwed

“Oh, god.” The disgust was evident with Jesse, but he lifted me on his lap again. This time, he propped me up and smoothed my hair away from my forehead. His tone gentled. “Hey, hey. Come on. Look at me. Please stop crying, Alex.”

His desperation did the deed and I swallowed all the pain away. He needed me. I might’ve been losing it, but I knew that Jesse was on the verge as well. He needed me to come back and I needed to be the strong one now. My hand slipped into his as I took gulping breaths to stuff my hysteria down.

The guy looked like him. So what?

There were lots of guys that looked like Ethan, but then I looked at him again. Everything stopped in me. Oh god. He was the spitting image of him. How could this be? How could there be another Ethan in the world?

“Hey, hey.” Jesse sat me up even more and ran his hand up and down my back in a brisk motion. “Come on. Breathe, Alex. Breathe.”

I breathed. Then I gulped for more air.

“You want me to call Angie?”

I shook my head. Some tears slipped down my cheek, but I ignored them. I had to deal with it. It was about time I started dealing with it. But I couldn’t look away from the guy’s piercing eyes. Someone stabbed me in the gut. And then someone reached inside of me, took hold of my heart, and ripped it out. I felt like my heart was beating in a stranger’s hands and I was staring at it. The trembling started in. Jesse cursed again, but lifted me in his arms.

“Jesse!”

“This is enough.” The resolve on his face made me pause. It was set and determined. He was tired, hell, he was exhausted. And then he carried me into the bathroom, turned the shower on full blast, and dumped me into the tub.

I screamed.

“Dude!”

Jesse held Reed back. Jesse’s eyes caught mine as I gasped against the onslaught of cold water. I couldn’t look away. There was a fevered determination in him, and I knew he’d had enough. It was time to stop.

I stood then. Something centered in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. Ethan was with us in the room right then. I felt him. The hairs on the back of my neck stood upright, but I gasped for more breath. The water was so damn cold.

Jesse’s eyes blinked rapidly. His set face faltered for a second. I knew he felt him too. But then his impassive mask slipped back into place. His eyes bored me down and he leaned against the doorframe. His captain was behind him with an expression akin to terror and amazement on his face.

I rasped out, “He’s here.”

Jesse nodded. The wall was back in place. I couldn’t reach him, but I wanted to. I needed to.

As I stood in the tub with the cold water beating down on me, shivers wracked through me. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms and legs. Ethan was dead, but his memory felt so alive. I jerked my eyes to Jesse’s captain. He paled, but he didn’t look away. Then I held my hand out.

He looked at it strangely.

Jesse moved aside and Reed stepped forward. He shook my hand.

I was so cold. More trembling was starting to sink in, but I said through rattling teeth, “Thank you. It’s nice to meet you.”

His eyes were wide as he looked from me to Jesse and back, but his hand squeezed around mine. “Thanks. You too.”

He pulled his hand back and retreated into the hallway. “I’ll—um—I’ll see you later, Hunt.”

Jesse didn’t blink an eye or react when the door slammed closed. But he gave me a sad smile. “Are you okay?”

I nodded. “I think I will be.” And I meant it.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Jesse went late to his team’s breakfast, but not until I reassured him that I would be fine. I was warm. I was dressed. And I was hungry. An hour after he left, I made my way through the hallways to the room Angie had texted was theirs. I was emotionally exhausted. Seeing Ethan’s look-a-like had sent me wheeling. I hadn’t expected it, but it was for the better now.

I couldn’t explain what had been shared between Jesse and me, but I felt stronger because of it. I couldn’t keep crying. I couldn’t keep breaking down. It was time to start thinking of Ethan in a different way; when I would feel him around me, I wasn’t going to be scared anymore.

Then I took a deep breath and ran my hands down my pants. My stomach was all twisted inside, but it was time to be strong again. It’d been so long. And then I stopped outside of Angie’s door. A whole different storm started inside of me. This was it. She knew about Jesse and me. She’d always known, but she had assumed it had stopped. It hadn’t. Now what? I knew she’d be disappointed in me. Angie felt a girl should only sleep with a guy if they’re committed and in love. I loved Jesse, but as for his feelings or the committed part, I knew not to hope for that. When I was stronger, when I could bear the idea of losing him, I’d walk away. I only hoped I wouldn’t be too shattered at that point. I raised my hand and knocked on the door.

It was time.

She opened the door and didn’t disguise her anger at all. Her shoulders were rigid and her eyes were hard. With a gesture inside, she murmured, “Let’s talk.”

Oh boy.

Marissa was on the dresser. Her legs were dangling and she was twiddling her thumbs in her lap. When she looked up, panic came over, but she bit her lip and looked back down. When I perched on the end of the bed, Angie stood beside her. She crossed her arms and raised her chin. Marissa didn’t look back up, but that didn’t matter.

Angie started. “So?”