Boys South of the Mason Dixon

I could sense Steel looking for help. I couldn’t do this for him. He had to end it. Send her away. “Remember what I said,” I told him, hoping that he understood. I wanted him to hold her when she broke.

“I can’t,” he responded, shaking his head. I wasn’t sure what he meant. What was it that he couldn’t do? Steel couldn’t stay with her. He knew that.

“Dixie, you’re our sister.” The words fell from his lips before I could register in my head exactly what he meant. He just said it. Steel just told her.

I heard her gasp and as if in slow motion, I watched as confusion filled her eyes when Dixie turned and looked back at me. I had to fix this. He couldn’t do it this way. Not to Dixie. She’d never recover. He was going to ruin her too. She’d be as empty as I’d become.

“Your mom . . .” Steel said as I yelled, “no,” stopping my brother from saying anything else. Why had I trusted him? What the fuck had I been thinking? I’d given him the power to hurt my Dixie. “Don’t do this,” I told him, as I moved quickly toward Steel. “ . . . had an affair with our dad,” he finished. The words were the last thing that came out of his mouth before my fist slammed into his jaw, knocking him back against his truck. If it had been anyone other than my brother, I would’ve continued to pummel him senseless, until he blacked out, or until he couldn’t speak anymore.

I stood above him as he grabbed his jaw, glaring up at me. “She deserved to know,” he said, his slurring from the impact noticeable.

“She didn’t deserve this. No one deserves this,” I replied, shaking my head.

“Asher?” Dixie’s soft voice came from behind me and I tensed having to face her.

“Fucking tell her. She knows now. Finish it,” Steel said, remaining on the ground, holding his swelling face.

A hand touched my arm softly and I winced. I didn’t want Dixie to touch me. I couldn’t stand the memory of that. When she grabbed me before, I felt her anger. That was okay, but her gentle touch was something I couldn’t bear right now. I said, “Dixie, you don’t want to hear this,” unable to turn around and face her.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Don’t, Dix. Just leave. Run like hell and don’t come near us again. Go home to that house up there and let your daddy hold you tight. Remind yourself you’re loved and you deserve a fairytale. Not what you’ll get down here. We can’t give you . . . anything. Not a fucking thing,” I spoke, then backed away, not wanting to look in her eyes.

“Is he telling the truth? Did your . . . am I . . .” she trailed off, her voice turning into a whisper.

“Our sister Dixie. You’re our sister.” Steel spoke and again I charged him. Two arms wrapped around mine, jerking me back. “Don’t. He’s right. This shit is something she needs to hear, Asher. It’s her life too,” Bray said. His voice was strained as I pulled against his hold, wanting to shut Steel up. “Can’t believe you kept this goddamn shit to yourself,” Bray said, pain etched in his words.

“Go home, Dixie. Please,” I begged her, before Steel could say anything more.

She shook her head and backed away unsteadily. Her face had paled and I realized that driving probably wasn’t safe.

“Wait, don’t drive. Not like this. I’ll drive you and I’ll walk back.” I then yanked my arms free.

“How do you know?” she asked.

Telling Dixie anything more would only hurt her further. The people who’d conceived her both then abandoned her. This was all much worse for her than it could ever be for us. Didn’t Steel understand that? She was losing so much more. I wanted Dixie to live the life I couldn’t give her, the one I’d planned on, where she never doubted how special or loved she was. I just shook my head, refusing to give her any answers.

“How?” Dixie asked again, staring at me with a pleading look in her eyes. The light in those eyes that I loved seeing was completely snuffed out now. Steel had destroyed her soul. I would never be able to forgive him. “You won’t tell me anything. How do I even know this isn’t some stupid mistake? Who told you this, Asher?”

If I told her about the letters, she would demand that I show her. I didn’t want this touching Dixie any more than it already had. I preferred letting her walk away, without believing a word. “Go home to your daddy,” I repeated.

“He found letters from your mom to our dad. Under a floorboard in the attic three years ago. He didn’t tell anyone because he thinks he’s protecting you,” Steel said, now standing again, his eyes remaining on me.

Bray’s hand clamped down on my shoulder. “She deserves to know this, too. Stop trying to protect her, Asher.”

“Letters? You have letters?” she asked, her eyes glistening with new tears. “You have letters saying that my daddy isn’t my father? That you . . .” she stopped and covered her mouth, unleashing a sob that shredded me. Rocked me through to the core. Her knees buckled and I started to move toward her, but Bray stopped me, moving instead. “No, I got her,” he said. I let him go, he loved her too, but he loved her the way a brother should.

Bray pulled her into his arms. He held her as she tucked her head under his chin and sobbed. That was all that I’d wanted. Someone to hold her the way she needed it.

“She deserved to know,” Steel said, reminding me that he was still here.

“No one deserves this,” I replied, before turning and walking to my truck. I had to leave, I couldn’t stay here, watching Dixie fall apart. Just when I thought I couldn’t hurt any more, I was again proven wrong. Knowing that Dixie would now live this nightmare was more than I could handle.

“Are you really dating Dixie?” Steel asked, as he reached the top of the stairs leading up to my attic bedroom. I’d always wondered if Steel liked Dixie. After all, they were the same age, she was beautiful, kind and smart. Why wouldn’t he like her? He should. Part of me hoped he would. Then I could stop feeling guilty about wanting a girl three years younger than me and that I had no business being with.

“Yeah,” I replied, picking up my duffel bag that had my clean uniform in it for the game later on tonight. “You good with that?” I wasn’t sure why I asked. If he wasn’t, it wouldn’t change anything. He’d had years to show interest in Dixie. Years. He’d missed his chance.

He didn’t respond right away. He needed to get to the fieldhouse. He was a freshman and wasn’t starting, but he’d be taking my place next year. He had to act like my backup and be ready. “She’s a freshman, Asher. You’re going off to Florida next year.”

Steel was stating the obvious. I calmly responded to my brother, “and when that time gets closer, Dix and I will deal with that like we should.”

“She’s okay with you leaving?”

Sighing, I grabbed my hat and put it on. “Look, if you like Dixie, you had years to show it. To do something. You never did. Once she turned fifteen, things changed for me. For us. She likes me, just as much as I like her. You can’t go getting weird about it now. Your time is up. Let’s get to the fieldhouse. Brent and Bray are already in the truck.”

He turned and headed back down the stairs. His frowning eyebrows told me he wasn’t done with this. I figured we’d have it eventually. Steel was quieter than me. He was more studious and thought things over before he spoke. This would be no different. The horn on the truck then began to blare. Momma spoke to warn against the time, “better get out there. Y’all gonna be late,” she said as we walked into the kitchen. “Play hard. I’ll be watching.” She said the same thing every Friday night. And we all loved to hear it.