Blindness

“Hey, man! Good to see ya,” Gabe says, sliding out from underneath on his roller board. He sits up and pulls his pack of cigarettes out, pounding them until one slides loose. “I was just going to have a smoke.”

The boys all move to the entrance of the garage, and I hear them talking and laughing. I can tell Cody’s laugh is fake, and I can tell he’s trying to find me, understand what’s happening and where I’m at with the whole ending it phase. I take this moment of distraction to slip into the hallway to the bathroom, and once I’m inside, I lock the door behind me.

I have tried to cry all morning—ever since Jim confronted me. But I haven’t been able to. Instead, I just stutter in my attempt, my stomach contracts, but nothing happens. I think I’m too stunned that I can’t believe I’m stuck in this situation. When I close my eyes, I can still feel the sensation of Cody’s skin, I can see the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me, and I can smell him, hear him and taste him.

“Charlie, open up,” I’m brought back instantly by his whisper. He’s here, just outside the door, and I feel my heart speed up. I’m not ready. I can’t do this! “Seriously, hurry. Open up, Trevor’s talking to Gabe.”

I flick the lock on the door, and Cody quickly slips inside, locking it behind him. His lips find mine the second the door closes, and he’s pushing me against the sink with his need and want. It’s only been a few hours, but I’ve missed him so much. And somewhere, in his kiss, I find my cry.

“Charlie, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Cody says, inspecting my face, touching me tenderly. He’s killing me, and I’m dreading what I have to do.

“I’m not leaving Trevor,” I say it quickly, like pulling off a Band-Aid. They say it doesn’t hurt when it’s fast, but I feel like I’ve been stabbed, gutted to the core, from the look on Cody’s face. His eyes are still, and he’s not breathing. “Cody, I can’t…you don’t understand. But I…I can’t.”

I want to tell him everything, just so he’ll understand. But I know if Cody knew the entire story, I know if he knew about Jim and his threats, he’d get himself in trouble. I reach for him out of instinct, but he rejects me, slapping away my hand.

“No,” he says. “Just…don’t. God, don’t touch me.”

He turns to face the door, and I reach out to him again, but just before I touch him, he punches the door hard, splintering a panel and knocking it loose from the lock, the door popping open.

“Cody, don’t…don’t hurt yourself,” I say, the tears pouring down my face now.

“Hurt myself?” he says, his whisper almost a shout. “Are you seriously worried about me hurting myself? Fuck, Charlie—I can’t possibly hurt myself any more than you did just now. I told you…I said there was no going back for me. I meant it, Charlie. I f**king love you! Was this all…what? Like, some joke? Were you just living out some fantasy?”

“No! Cody, no…I love you. So much!” I’m desperate for him to understand. But there is nothing I can say. He’s standing there, looking me in the eyes, trying to form his next words, but nothing comes. “I love you…but I can’t leave Trevor.”

He’s gone—the door now crooked on its hinges in his wake. My body is quaking, and I’m stuck in this dark bathroom, hidden only a few feet and a small thin wall away from my prison. The man I love, probably the only man who will ever live up to the legacy Mac left behind, hates me—I just made sure of that. I made him love me, then I crushed him body and soul. I’d be sick if I could move, but I’m too numb.

“Charlie, you coming?” I hear Trevor’s voice echo down the hall. I take in my surroundings, the shards of wood, and the mess Cody left behind, and I know Trevor can’t see any of this.

“Be right there. Just had to go to the bathroom,” I yell, taking in a deep breath and forcing myself to suck my emotions away. I lift the collar of my sweatshirt up to my eyes, blotting them, and hoping they’re not as red as they feel. I practice my smile, but every time I try, I feel the sting in my eyes again.

“Come on, Charlie. Come on. You can do this; you have to. Mac, please…please help me,” I say to myself. I open my eyes again, and this time I’m able to hold my face. When I exit the hallway, Cody is nowhere to be seen, and Gabe is back under the car. Trevor is pacing in the driveway, on the phone. I look around to the office and see Jessie, and she’s angry. I know Cody told her—she probably saw him right after I told him, and I feel sick that I also let Jessie down. I’m ashamed, but this is the way it has to be, and Cody can never know.