Blindness

“Is that what this is about? You want to hear everything that’s going on inside my head every time I’m near you? All the shit I can’t say—the shit that makes me bite my tongue every time I see you?” He’s almost out of breath, but he’s still holding my wrists, still staring right into me. His voice is hoarse from the cold, and from yelling at me through the traffic and the rain.

“I f**king love you, Charlie,” he says, the words almost a cry. “And I know I’ve never been in love before, because I would have remembered what this felt like. I love you, and I think I have since the moment I saw you. And when I see you with Trevor it feels like a goddamned knife is digging into my back. I hate myself for not going to the Dean’s party that night. And this is my punishment. I get to love you, but I can’t f**king have you,” Cody says, delivering more honesty than I could have hoped for, more than I was prepared for.

His eyes are red and watering, and his grip on my arms is loosening. I free my hand and reach up to dash his tears away, and he leans his face to the side so his lips graze my arm as it passes. I can feel him tremble—he’s fighting against himself, just like I have been.

“I love you, too,” I say, my voice soft and scared. He stops breathing when I speak, and we both stare at one another, motionless.

“You can’t love me, Charlie,” he says as new tears fill his eyes and his mouth forms a tight line. He’s fighting it, refusing to hear me.

“But I do,” I say, biting my lip. I’m not able to stop the soft smile that creeps in on my lips from saying the words. I feel a sense of freedom from uttering them out loud, from saying them—from confessing.

“I can’t…I can’t carry you. I’ll never be able to lift you over my shoulder, spin you around like Trevor does,” he says, ashamed of his disability.

“I don’t need you to carry me, Cody. I can stand on my own. I’m strong, and I can carry myself,” I say, moving in closer. Cody slides his hands to my waist and is holding them in place. He’s policing himself, and I can feel his muscles tense around me from the conflict. The soft tickle of his breathing against my neck sends a flurry of goosebumps over my entire body. His breathing is slow and deliberate.

“Kiss me, Cody. Please, just kiss me,” I beg him. “I choose you. I choose you.”

He closes his eyes as a final tear falls, and he bends his forehead to mine. His hands slide around me completely, into the top of my skirt along my waist as he pulls me closer to him. He slides his right hand up my back, against my soaking blouse, and to my neck where he wraps his fingers into my hair and tilts my head back slightly. His lips hover over mine for a few seconds before he finally gives in, and our mouths are moving together forcefully.

He tastes like tequila, and his tongue is warm as it explores the inside of my mouth, urging me even closer to him. He’s holding my face to his with both hands now and walking me backward a step at a time until we reach his truck, still kissing me and tasting and tugging at my lips with his.

“I need you, Charlie. But if I do this, there’s no going back for me,” he says, his head pressed against mine, and his eyes closed tightly.

I’m leaning on the passenger door of his truck now, and he has me caged in between his arms. I reach my hands to his face and brush the water from his cheeks, running my fingers through his soft, wet hair. I lean into him as he reaches around and slides his hand along the bare skin of my upper thigh, lifting me slightly before he presses my body forcefully against the truck.

“I’m yours, Cody. I said I choose you, and I mean it,” I say, fully understanding what that means. My safe and simple life is gone—I’ve busted that to pieces. Hell, that life was gone the first time my eyes met Cody’s and everything fell into place. He’s home for me—and I don’t think I can breathe any longer without him.

Cody slides me to the side and swings the passenger door open. He reaches again for my body, wrapping his arms around me and urging me into the truck with his potent kiss. I lift myself to the seat and scoot back as Cody climbs in on top of me, pulling at the buttons of my shirt and sliding the wet silk from my body, dropping it in a pile on the floor. He kisses my belly button next, and then grabs the bottom of my shell top with his teeth, pulling it slowly up my body as well. I help him lift it completely until my br**sts are exposed and being teased by his hot breath. When he completely covers my nipple with his mouth, I can’t help but cry out in pleasure, holding his head to me hard.

“I need you, Charlie. But not here, not like this. I don’t want anyone seeing you,” he says in between kisses along my br**sts and neck. He lifts himself over me more, kissing my lips once again, leaving them feeling raw.