Blindness

I don’t hear a word of the conversation on the way to the restaurant. And the way the seating is set when we arrive, I’m not in Cody’s line of sight. I see Kyla stand and walk around the table for the restroom; she’s taking the long route, and I know she’s doing it on purpose. She wants everyone to see her. She makes the same trip on the way back; I can’t help but laugh when every single male at our table, and those next to us, stops to drool.

After dinner, we decide to walk the few small blocks to the club. It’s a full floor at the top of one of the city’s tallest buildings. Trevor helped with the contract during the build; one of his first contracts as an intern. He got to know the owners during the process, and that’s how he got us on the list for tonight. We’re all filing into a large elevator with several others, so we keep scooting to the back to make more room.

I have my hand on the rail, bracing myself, and trying not to hyperventilate from the amount of strange bodies crowding in around me. My hand stops when it runs into someone else’s, and I almost pull it away, afraid I’ve touched a stranger, when I realize it’s Cody. We both look at each other, and he slides his fingers over mine slowly, leaving a trail of fire along my skin.

Trevor is standing next to me, completely engrossed in his conversation with the Sumners, and on my other side Cody is melting my heart. I wish this elevator ride would never end, and despite what I am sure is a fire-code violation in capacity, I’m partly hoping it gets stuck for hours. The doors open, and Cody’s hand slides from mine. I almost cry out from missing it.

The club is noisy—not like any place I’ve ever been. Trevor usually takes me to dinner clubs, establishments that are more about money and making deals. This place is all about sex. The lights are flashing in all directions, and the throbbing music makes it almost impossible not to strut when you walk. Trevor shakes the hand of someone at the entrance, and we all get led to a huge booth near the back. Drinks are delivered in seconds, and I notice Kyla is quick to down two.

Trevor grabs my hand and pulls me to the corner of the booth to sit next to him; Kevin and his wife slide in at the other end. They start talking about cases and remodeling their home in Georgetown and whether or not they’re going to trade in their BMW for the Lexus. I look at Trevor, and he’s absolutely rapt in their conversation. This is how it always goes when we go out with a couple or meet at a club—I sit next to Trevor and smile and listen to banal conversation about status symbols. And I used to think I liked it, or at least didn’t mind it. But sitting here tonight, watching my friends move to the dance floor to feel careless, worriless—young—leaves me feeling trapped.

I’m practically squirming in my seat watching Kyla move her hands all over Cody. He’s watching her every move. How could he not? She looks like she does this for a profession, bending forward and arching her back, sliding her hand from his inner thigh, and then up over his zipper, almost into the front of his pants. He’s biting his lip looking at her.

I excuse myself to go to the restroom, and while I’m in there I make a silent pledge to try. When I come back to the table, I ask Trevor to dance with me, but he just looks at me strangely, and then peers out to the dance floor.

“It’s a little crowded. You know that kind of dancing isn’t really my thing. I’ll take you out next week, though, to our place,” he says, flashing me that smile that means everything is final. So I sit back down at the booth and pout.

I sip at my Jack and Coke, the sound of Trevor’s conversation almost melding into a hum in my ears, and I search again for Cody. I see Gabe and Jessie, and they seem so happy, so in love, and it makes my heart ache I’m so jealous. I finally spot Cody, and he’s still dancing with Kyla, but they aren’t touching for the moment. She’s busy putting on a show for everyone else. Cody’s watching, too, but for the first time tonight, he’s reachable.

I’m on my feet before I can talk myself out of it. “I’m just going to dance for a song or two, I’ll be right back,” I say over my shoulder to Trevor, who hardly turns to acknowledge me, just waving me off.

Jessie is the closest to me, so I slide in next to her first. I’ve never really danced much, so I feel awkward swaying to the music. I try to copy her moves, keep it simple, and when I finally feel like I’m not standing out, I spin around to her other side and get closer to Cody. Jessie smiles crookedly at me, and winks before she gives me a tiny shove, forcing me to bump into him. I flash my wide eyes at her and mouth her name, but quickly smile, thankful that she’s so bold.