Blindness

“What’s that face for?” she says, her lips twisted and bothered.

“Nothin’,” I say, sitting next to her and smiling, “just…thanks. That’s all. Thanks.”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” she says. But I know it is. I know that Cody is her brother, and picking me—standing with me on this, isn’t easy.

“Yes, it is,” I smile at her, and she smiles back.

“So, when you picking up Trevor?” she asks, getting back to her feet and running her fingers through her hair. I walk into my bathroom and come out with a brush to toss to her.

“I was about to leave. I don’t drive the highways well. Thought I should leave plenty of time to make sure I get there on time, find his gate, all that stuff,” I say. “You wanna come?”

“Nah. That’d be weird. I’m going to hang out. Cody said he’d give me a ride to the shop later. He’s meeting Gabe there to finish up a few things,” she says.

I raise one eyebrow at her, a little worried about her being alone in a car with Cody after the position I’ve put her in.

“What? You’re worried about me?” she says. “Please…I yell at that boy on a daily basis. Fucking up shit with you is just his latest dumb-ass move. And I know why he’s being such a jackass.”

I know, too. It’s because I’ve led him on, because I kissed him, and then I went and said yes to his brother’s proposal; because I freaked out like a jealous girlfriend when he went out with someone else—like I have any ownership rights over him at all. I’m almost shrinking as I think about my recent behavior. God, I’ve been so selfish.

“He can’t help it. He’s in love with you,” she says, as she grabs her purse and bag and steps through my bedroom door. When she realizes I’m not following her, she stops and turns to face me. “Oh, like you don’t know. Cody loves you. And you love him back. You two just have rotten timing. But you can’t marry Trevor—I don’t care how good he is. We’ll figure that part out later.”

She pushes her smile up into her dimples, and pats my shoulders as she turns to leave. “I’ll see you at Thanksgiving. I told Cody that if he was planning on bringing Kyla into this house that I was going to be here to referee—or take that bitch out myself. Make sure you set some extra plates for me and Gabe,” she shouts over her shoulder as the door closes behind her.

I sit there on the steps, stunned. Everything seems so obvious to Jessie, and I wonder if it’s that obvious to myself. I know how I feel—I’m done pretending. But I thought I was alone in this. And when I found out Cody was turning to Kyla, I was pretty sure my feelings were totally one-sided.

Grabbing my jacket, I peer out the front window to see if Cody’s out there. I see him in his garage, and he’s laughing, giving Jessie a hard time about something. She picks up one of his old T-shirts and throws it at him, and he ducks. I’m smiling watching them, wishing I were there, wishing I had the same comfort level with Cody that Jessie does.

In that moment, I realize just how right Jessie is—at least as far as my own feelings are concerned. I’m spying on him, too much of a coward to tell him how I feel, too fearful to be with them. But I don’t see the same reflected in Cody’s eyes. He doesn’t look upset; he doesn’t even look like what’s happening between him and me is of any consequence to him at all. I feel like a game, some toy he’s messing with in between moments of his life. And I’m not sure I can give up what I can count on—a life with Trevor—for the chance that one day I might be able to make Cody feel the same.

I watch the garage shut, and when I’m sure they are both inside, I head to my car and leave for the airport to pick up Trevor, willing myself to feel butterflies when I see him.

When we’re in the car on our way back to the house, I tell Trevor that Cody’s at the shop, and naturally, he insists we stop. He’s excited to show Cody everything he’s done, and my heart is twisted in all different directions because of it. Trevor’s always been driven, the guy everyone knows and respects. But his heart has grown over the last month, since he’s accepted the truth about his father, and about Cody. It makes me feel so cold and heartless when I think about how out-of-love I’ve fallen with him during that same time.

We stop at the garage, and I hang behind Trevor, not wanting to see Cody—or be seen. I’m thankful when I see Jessie sitting in the office, and I head in to talk with her unnoticed.

“So…that’s the fiancée?” she asks.