Before Now

“It’s cool, Bree. Right now, it’s just a lot of attraction. Lust isn’t love. We’re friends and I’m okay with that.”

“Fine line, Lu. Fine line.”

“Got it,” I say thickly.

Truth is I really like Park. I think there’s more to him than he lets people see. A lot more. I care about him and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep everything separate.

14

Park

I didn’t know what to expect when I followed Lucy to her car, but the ride has been surprisingly easy so far. When she starts talking about her parents, we fall into easy conversation, and I can’t recall ever enjoying spending this much time with a girl outside of her bed.

“They are seriously crazy,” she laughs. “My dad will offer you a beer just to test you. Don’t take it. Also, you’ll probably ‘catch’ him smoking a joint, which he’ll offer you a hit of. Don’t hit it.”

“Why? What is it?”

“It’s pot.”

“Then why—”

“It’s a test.”

“But if he’s smoking it then why does he care if I do?” I ask, confused.

“They’re crazy,” she says, her voice rising to a higher pitch. I love the sound and it makes me smile instantly. “You don’t even get it.”

“I get crazy parents. Trust me.”

She shakes her head. “No. You think you get it, but you really don’t. My parents tripped too much acid when they were younger. They’re seriously twisted.” She bites her lip, fighting a smile. “And they’re going to tell you stories about me as a kid. Do not believe anything they say.”

I chuckle. “Skeletons, Lucy? I didn’t picture you as the type. Now I’m thoroughly intrigued.”

“No. I’m serious, Park. Don’t believe anything they say. It’s a game with them.” She shakes her head, laughing quietly. “They try to one up the other with the most outrageous and embarrassing stories. Every time I bring somebody new to the house, they freaking do it. It only ends when you call bullshit. This one time, they had my friend Mandy believing I drank toilet water until I was seven.”

I grin at her. “Did you drink toilet water until you were seven?”

She bites down on her lip and shakes her head, her hair swaying around her thighs. “Oh, they’re going to have so much fun with you.”

I gaze out the window, watching the sun reflect off the other cars for a moment. “They sound pretty cool.”

“They are,” she agrees. “So, I should probably warn you about my youngest brother, too,” she says slowly. I look at her sideways and she shrugs. “I just want you to know all this ahead of time. When my parents adopted him—”

“Your brother’s adopted?”

She glances at me quickly. “Yeah. We all are.”

“You all are,” I say slowly.

“Mm-hm…”

Who the hell is fucking with me? I want out of the car. I need to get away before I freak out.

“You’re adopted?” I verify one more time, my voice barely audible.

She nods, her brows merging in confusion over my reaction.

I push down the rising panic and try to ignore the feelings I shouldn’t be having for this girl. This is a sick reminder. It’s too similar. I rub my hands over my face. “I knew a girl… Guy’s family fostered a girl. She was…” Shut up. Just shut the fuck up.

“Hope,” she provides.

I freeze. My blood is ice. “You know Hope?” My knees start bouncing and my hands are shaking. How does she know Hope?

“Guy told me about her.” She bites her lip again, shooting a quick look at me. Guy. Of fucking course. What the hell did he tell her? “Your band name—A Fool’s Paradise—it’s named for her. Right?”

I feel the bile rise to the back of my throat. My heart is racing too fast, too hard. I think I’m having a fucking heart attack. I’m only nineteen. Can nineteen year olds have heart attacks?

“What did you just say?” The words barely come out, but she hears me. Her cheeks redden and she shakes her head.

“Nothing. Never mind.” She releases her grip on the steering wheel and waves her hand in between us as if that will dismiss the tension in the car.

“What the fuck did you just say, Lucy?” Her body tenses at my tone, but she still doesn’t answer me. “Answer the fucking question,” I say tightly.

“A fool’s paradise—the illusion of happiness, false hope. I just thought…after Guy told me—I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I’m sorry.”

“Pull over.”

“What?”

“Pull the fuck over,” I demand. “Now.”

She glances at me, but complies. As soon as the car stops, I throw the door open and start walking back the way we came. I can’t be around her right now. I don’t know if I want to yell at her to shut her mouth or if I want to cover her mouth with mine. Either way, I need her to stop talking. I feel translucent and I want to crawl out of my own skin. Her talking to me at this moment just grates against all the wrong nerves.

I need a drink. I need a whole lot of drinks.

I just want her out of my head.

“Park?”

“I’m going home, Lucy.”

“Let me take you back at least.”

I stop walking, resting my hands on my hips. I kick the dirt with my scuffed up boots and stare up at the sky. “I don’t want you to take me back. I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”

“Why?” I barely catch it over the noise of the other cars. I turn around and lower my gaze to meet hers. “I don’t understand…”

“You are fucking with my head and it’s already been fucked with enough. Just stay away from me, Lucy. I’m begging you.”

“I’m so sorry, Park. I didn’t mean to…” She shakes her head, biting down so hard on her lip the plump skin whitens. “I won’t say anything else to upset you.”

Her eyes get glossy. I spin away and continue walking. I can’t deal with that shit too.

***

“So you seriously just got out on the middle of the freeway and walked away?” Chase asks as soon as I heave myself into the front seat.

I shoot him a look and lean my head against the window. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I didn’t want to get out of bed on my only day to sleep in this week and come pick your dumbass up off the side of the damn road, yet here I am.”

I sigh. I knew that answer wouldn’t fly with him. “She brought Hope up.” I shake my head and rub my forehead. “Or I did, I guess. But she said something about being adopted and A Fool’s Paradise. I fucking freaked.”

He glances at me, brows raised.

“Yeah, I overreacted a little.” Fuck. I’m such a dick.

“Really? I couldn’t tell,” he says, heavy on the sarcasm. “You are an idiot.”

“Fuck you. I know. I don’t need you to always tell me what’s wrong with me.”

“That’s why you’re an idiot. You know what you’re doing is fucked up, but you just keep doing it anyway.”

“Got it,” I hiss. “Can you not talk and just drive?”

Chase huffs a dry laugh. “My car, man. You want a ride then deal with it. If not, I’m more than willing to pull over and watch you walk your ass home.”

I don’t respond. He drums his fingers on the steering wheel and I know he’s thinking. Probably deciding which of my flaws he wants to point out next. This could take a while. I have a lot.

“What I don’t get,” he starts, and I groan. “Lulu’s freaking sexy and she’s sweet. She likes you for some ungodly reason, and instead of jumping on the opportunity to get to know a girl like that, you treat her like shit.”

He didn’t ask a question, so I don’t give an answer. Fuck that. I don’t need his Dr. Phil bullshit right now. Yes, Lucy is nice. And yeah, she’s fucking gorgeous. She’s also perceptive. She wiggled her way under my skin and saw shit she wasn’t supposed to see. I don’t know how to deal with that right now.

I should just fuck her and get her out of my system. Fuck it and forget it. Life lesson number 8: Fuck. And fuck a lot. Don’t make love. Don’t even have sex. No feelings. Just feed your basic animalistic needs. Never the same girl twice—unless it falls within the same night or following morning—and never get attached. Don’t take their number. Why? Because after you fuck them—forget about them.

Life lesson number 9: Always bag it. Seriously. Always. And if the girl’s shady—double bag it.

Wow. I really am a worthless piece of shit.

“You know,” Chase says suddenly, “if you don’t want her, I think I’ll ask her out.”

I turn my head slowly and glare at him. She’s mine. I don’t know where it comes from, but it keeps running through my head until I want to shout it like a fucking psycho.

“What?” he asks with mock surprise. “If you aren’t going to do it, I might as well. And I don’t think Jessie really cares if I take her out. And if he does, oh well. He’ll get over it.” He strums his fingers again, looking all too pleased with himself. I want to bash his face against the steering wheel.

“I bet she’s crazy in bed, too,” he goes on. “Ya know? `Cause she’s so nice. Giving. They say it’s the quiet ones.”

He’s goading me. I know it. But I feel the tension building in my head as the image of Lulu straddling him plays over and over in my mind.

“And all that hair…? Something to grab hold of—”

“OKAY,” I roar. “Shut the fuck up, man. I get it. All right? I fucking get it.”

He chuckles quietly, pulling into the complex’s lot and I jump out of the car as quickly as I baled from Lucy’s.

“What? You’re not going to ask me up?” Chase calls after me.

“Fuck off,” I throw over my shoulder and stalk through the door.

15

Lucy

I’m in the middle of making dinner when there’s a loud knock on the door. Ozzy runs to answer it and I start to follow behind him, a saucy wooden spoon still in my hand. Bree shoos me back into the kitchen.

“I got it,” she says, running after my little brother.

I go back to stirring noodles and spaghetti sauce. And then I hear his voice.

“Can I talk to Lucy?”

I can picture Bree crossing her arms and puckering her lips. “Why? So you can act like a—” She sighs. “Ozzy, go watch the movie.”

Ozzy’s bright orange head runs past the kitchen and I hear Bree finish her sentence as if she had never paused. “Dick? Because she already has a full understanding of that.”

Park clears his throat and he sounds uncomfortable. “I want to apologize.”

I lean around the wall and his gaze flicks to meet mine. He has a large box in his hand and he shifts it, trying to slide past Bree. She cuts him off with her arm on the door frame.

“It’s all right, B,” I say. “Let him in.”

Bree looks back at me, her lips twisting disapprovingly, but she backs up and gestures dramatically for him to enter.

“What is that?” I ask when he stops in front of me.

Park sets the box on the table and offers a half smile. “Peace offering.”

“Huh. Another one. How about just saying you’re sorry? Or can you only do that when you’re drunk?”

He takes a step forward leaving him too close to me. I look up at him and he inhales a long breath. It comes out in a rush of words. “I’m sorry I acted like an ass. I’m an idiot. I know it. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s my bullshit and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. And I lied when I said I want you stay away from me. I just needed to clear my head. I probably should have explained that instead of freaking out.” He pauses for another breath before forging on.