Beautifully Broken 4: Until We Fly

She looks up in disbelief and I see it in her eyes… she thought her show of tears would sway me. She was only trying to pull my strings… once again.  Just like when I was a kid and she tried to make me believe I was a monster, that I’d killed my sister, that my father was only doing what he ‘had to do’ when he was beating me.

My blood chills as I look at her and all I can feel is distaste. For my own mother.  Even worse, I see the exact same emotion in her eyes as she stares back at me.

She hates me and it is apparent.

“Go.” I repeat.  My voice is like ice.

She spins around and stalks away.  I watch her disappear into the house, I watch the old peeling door slam behind her, I watch how the windows of the house seem to mock me, like large eyes that watched my father beat me on the beach, time and time again.  This house is a tomb of bad memories. And I don’t think I can look at it any longer.  In fact, I don’t even want it to exist.

I want all of it to just go away.

I turn to Nora.

“Could you do me a huge favor?  Could you run down to the cottage and get the gas can from the garage and a box of matches?”

Nora stares at me, paralyzed.

“Please?” I prod.

She nods, confusion in her eyes, but she doesn’t question me. She just takes off running down the beach barefoot. I watch her for a minute, then turn to the attorney.

“The house is mine now, correct?”

Todd nods.  “Yes.  Everything in it.  And the woodshop and the garage in town.  And the assets from the business. Everything.”

“Good.”

Todd eyes me uncomfortably.  “What are you planning?”

I level a gaze at him.  “A bonfire.”

He stares back in apprehension.  “That’s arson.”

“Not if I don’t make an insurance claim,” I tell him.  “I simply want to get rid of the house so that I can clear this land and start fresh.  I might even build another house here in the future.   So that’s not arson. That’s demolition.”

“You need a permit for demolition, son.”

I narrow my eyes.  “I’m not your son. And if Angel Bay PD wants to fine me, so be it.”

Todd continues to stare at me uncertainly. “Okay. Well, this is yours now, too.”

He hands me the key to the wooden box my father left for me and I shove it in the pocket of my swim trunks.  I’ll deal with that later.

Nora returns just as my mother walks down the steps with a suitcase in her hand.  She jogs up to me with the gas can and matches, and my mother’s eyes widen, the first real reaction I’ve seen from her.

I walk up to her.

“Mom, I loved you for the longest time, long after you stopped deserving it.  I don’t hate you now.  I don’t.  But I’m done with everything toxic in my life, and that includes you.   I’m going to sign over dad’s business to you.  I’m going to give you the money he had in the bank, his truck, his workshop.  But I’m not giving you this house.  I’m getting rid of every bad memory I have of this place today.”

She sputters and then stops as she sees the expression on my face.

“You’re serious.”

“Dead serious.”

Without another word, I shake gasoline out of the can all over the porch and fling it up on the walls.

I look at my mother.

“You might want to get back.”

She takes a step back, then another.

I pause.  “I know that I’ll probably never see you again after you leave here today. And I’m okay with that.  I can’t deal with the all the toxins of my childhood anymore.  If you ever want to have a real relationship with me, the normal kind of mother-son relationship, then look me up. Until then, take care of yourself.”

I turn away and my mother hurries to her car without a word.  She drives away without looking back and I have no doubt that I’ll never see her again.

It does hurt, but I swallow it, because I know I have to let it go. If I’m ever going to get past everything that happened here, I have to let it all go.  

I toss a match onto the house.

It ignites immediately and the heat presses against us, trying to push us away from it, almost like it’s trying to protect itself from destruction.

It doesn’t work, because I toss another match, then another.

It burns quickly.

I watch the flames lick at the sky, the smoke spiraling into the heavens.   Every bad memory I have spirals away with it.  One after the other, after the other.

It’s surprisingly cleansing and with every board that burns, I feel weights being lifted from my shoulders.

I’m not guilty of anything.   And I’ll never have to look at anything or anyone again who tries to pretend otherwise.

Nora comes up from behind and wraps her arms around my waist as we watch it burn.  Her cool arms bring comfort, the kind of comfort that only comes from someone who accepts me for who I am.

“You ok?”

I nod.  “Yeah.  You?”

“Yeah.”

We watch the flames for a while, the oranges and blues and reds, before we walk away, down the beach to the only house that ever truly felt like home to me.

Chapter Twenty-One

Nora

I can’t believe that just happened.

Brand literally burned his past down.

It’s astounding.  Overwhelming.  Exhilarating.

And it’s nothing short of what I would expect from him. He’s so decisive.  When he takes control of something, he doesn’t do it halfway.  The mere thought sets my belly aflutter.

I hear the shower running as Brand washes away the lake water, the ash from the fire and probably some bad memories, too.  I know how that goes.  I curl up on the sofa and give him his privacy. He deserves some solitude after what he just did.

As I lay still, I can’t help but stare at the little wooden box.

It’s fascinating to me.   Ebony wood with an ivory inlay.  Black and white.  I have to wonder if his father did that on purpose…. Did he contrast black with white as an analogy for life?  Life isn’t black and white.

Unable to stop myself, I pick it up, turning it over and over.  I shake it lightly.

There’s a solid clunking noise inside.  Something in the box has some heft.  With a man as hateful as Joe Killien apparently was, it’s hard telling what he put in the box.