Beautifully Broken 3: Before We Fall

I shake my head, then nod.

“But not how you think,” I add quickly when Brand immediately starts to get up. With his military background, whenever he hears the word hurt, he automatically assumes it’s in a physical way. “He didn’t lay a finger on me.”

Brand pauses, then stares down at me with confusion in his blue eyes.

“Then what did he do?” he asks hesitantly.

I drop my face into my hands, taking a moment to catch my breath.

“He obliterated me,” I say limply.

I curl onto my side, burying my face into the sofa cushions, and sob. I cry for all the things I can’t say, the things I can’t put into words. How Dominic is so haunted and damaged, and how I thought I could help him by showing him that people are good. That not everyone will hurt him. How I can’t make him see that. How he makes me feel so alive and so sexy, yet at the same time, he must be so toxic for me… because right now I’m empty and it’s because of him.

I cry for all of this.

For all of these things that Brand doesn’t know.

Regardless, he stays next to me, patting me, soothing me. And he stays that way, just letting me cry until I can’t cry anymore. He does what Brand always does… makes me feel better just by being here for me.

When I finally sit up, my eyes are hot and tired.

“What did he do?” Brand asks calmly, his gaze level and strong. “Tell me.”

“He told me from the beginning not to get attached to him,” I admit. “But I did anyway. He told me, Brand. It wasn’t his fault. I guess, deep down, I thought I could fix him somehow. He’s got issues. His girlfriend died and he still loves her and it’s just a messed up ball of shit.”

Brand stares at me sympathetically.

“Jace, you should know by now that you can’t fix anyone. And if his girlfriend died… well, it’s hard to say how that will affect him. Grief does strange things to people.”

“But it was six years ago,” I tell him. “Dominic blames himself for some f**ked-up reason. I don’t know why, because he won’t say.”

Brand stares at me, and something flickers in his eyes. I’ve seen him look that way before, haunted and sad. But then he hides it and shrugs.

“If he won’t say, then maybe he should blame himself. Maybe it is his fault,” he suggests softly.

“I doubt it,” I mutter. But then I see Brand’s face, and his soft gaze, and I’m reminded once again of the truth.

For him, I’m no longer his little sister. His feelings for me have grown. I can’t cry to him anymore about my issues with men. Not when he’s in love with me.

God. Why did I come here? My heart squeezes in my chest and I reach for Brand’s hands.

“Brand, I’m sorry to unload on you like this. It isn’t fair now that I know how you feel…”

My voice trails off like the dumbass I am. But Brand levels a stare at me.

“How do I feel?” he asks quietly. He’s hesitant and nervous and appalled. If I tried to lie, it would be an insult to him.

“I can see how you feel about me,” I say limply. “I’m sorry, Brand. I wish I felt the same way. You’re the best person I know. It’s why I always come to you, because you’re so f**king amazing. I wish that I loved you like you want me to.”

He flushes, the first time I’ve ever seen him flush.

“It’s okay,” he says quietly. “It’s my issue to deal with, not yours. It’s not your fault that things changed for me and not for you. I’ll get a handle on it. We won’t change, Jace.”

I stare at him, at the goodness in his eyes and his heart. Brand is just so… good. Through and through. All along, I’ve been chasing what’s bad for me when maybe the very best thing for me has been in front of me all along.

On impulse, I lean over and kiss him. On the mouth.

He kisses me back. For one split second. Then he pulls away. I try to cling to him, but he pushes me away.

“Make me feel better, Brand,” I murmur pleadingly. “Please.”

Brand glares at me as he takes a deep breath.

“Jesus, Jacey. Give me a second.”

He pulls himself under control as I breathe harshly on the opposite end of the sofa. He finally turns and looks at me, and there is pain in his eyes.

“You don’t want me,” he says pointedly. “Not really. I know that and you know that. You want Dominic Kinkaide, but you can’t have him, so you want to use me to fill up the rejection that you feel. It’s not fair, Jace. Not to me and not to you.”

He’s breathing hard as he watches me, as he waits for my reaction. I close my eyes and he continues.

“This is what you always do, Jacey. You’ve done it since you were a teenager. I’ve stood by and watched it. Your dad was never home, he never cared, and you sought out that acceptance and approval for years from random guys. And when you’re rejected, you run straight to the next guy. But you can’t do that anymore.”

I choke on my tears because I know he’s right. Because I know it and because that’s exactly what my therapist told me. It’s humiliating and true and horrible.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I mumble before I start crying again. “I’m a horrible, weak person. I’m sorry if I led you on, Brand. I didn’t mean to. I love you. You’re like my brother, and I can’t stand the thought of being without you.”

Brand pulls me into his arms again, pulling me to his chest where I hide my face. I try to ignore the fact that my chest is pushed against him. I’d never have worried about that before, and I hate it that I think of it now.

“First, you’ll never be without me. Not ever. Got it?” Brand stares down at me, his eyes stern. I nod.

“And second, you’re not horrible. You’re beautiful and strong. And what’s more, you’ve pretty much got this shit figured out. You chose to walk away from Dominic because he can’t be what you need. That’s half the battle, Jacey. Now all you’ve got to do is figure out how to stop running to a new guy to make you feel better. You don’t need their acceptance, Jacey. You’re strong enough to deal with things on your own.”

I snivel into his shirt, breathing in his familiar cologne.

“I don’t think I am.” I sigh. “I don’t feel strong. Ever since Jared… did what he did, I’ve tried not to be weak. I’ve tried to change, but I’m starting to think it’s impossible. At least for me. Because against my better judgment, I fell for Dominic, Brand. I knew better, and I did it anyway. And he was the worst possible person for me to fall for.”

“But you walked away, Jacey. That’s huge.”

“Yeah,” I mumble. “And I came here and tried to force myself on you instead.”

Brand’s chest rumbles as he speaks with a voice that has always had the power to soothe me, even now when he’s in love with me and I’m crying to him about another guy.

“You want to know what your grandma told me once?” he asks, and I raise my head.

“My Gran?”

Brand nods. “Yeah. It was one summer when I was staying at their lake house with you. She and I were down by the lake and I was upset over some girl… she’d broken up with me and I thought that the world was ending. I told her that I was never going to love anyone else again, because falling in love was the dumbest thing in the world because it hurt so much.”

I have to smile, because I can practically see teenage Brand saying that. Brand is and always was a one hundred percent in or out kind of guy. “What did Gran say?”

“Your grandma was the wisest person I ever knew.” He nods. “She looked at me and she said, ‘Branden, the best things in life are worth the greatest risk. Falling in love is one of those things. Can it break our hearts? Yes. Most definitely. But more often than not, before we fall, we fly’.”

“What the heck did that mean?” I ask in confusion. Brand nods again.

“That’s exactly what I asked her. It didn’t make any sense. But then she explained and it was perfect. She said we’re like birds who leap from trees for the first time, terrified that they’re going to crash and die on the ground below. The bird will almost always fly before it falls to its death. So too will we, and so we shouldn’t be afraid to do the things that will bring us the greatest reward… like falling in love.”

“But what if we fall in love with the wrong people?” I stammer. “Because I’ve done that a hundred times, and each time I’ve gotten hurt or hurt someone else. I’m tired of doing that. How many times do we have to fall before we finally fly?”

Brand shakes his head and grins wryly. “I didn’t ask your Gran that.”

I shake my head, but Brand lifts my chin with his finger. “It might take several failures, but eventually it will happen. I don’t know if it will happen with this guy or not, but you’ll learn something from each failed attempt. So at least there’s that.”

I can’t help but stare at him. “I’m not sure that’s comforting.”

Brand chuckles. “I know. And that’s actually what I thought back when your Gran had this discussion with me in the first place. But just think on it, and after you do, you’ll see that what she said is true. Before you fall, you’ll fly, Jacey. Whether it’s now or later, it’ll happen. I promise.”

“I just hope it happens before my wings get broken,” I mutter, curling up on his chest. He chuckles softly and pats my back. I rest that way for a while longer before I sit up and straighten my clothes.

“I’m sorry, Brand,” I tell him, looking him in the eye. “I’m sorry that I always run to you. That you always have to pick me up and put me back together. I’m sorry that it seems like I use you. I don’t mean to. It’s just that… deep down, I always feel like I’m not good enough. And you always make me feel like I am. But I’m going to stop depending on you to remind me of that. I’m going to have to remind myself.”

Brand bends forward and presses his lips to my forehead.

“Just be you, Jacey. You are always good enough and then some. You really have come a long way since everything happened with Jared. Just keep it up. Tonight was just a tiny slipup. You came to me because I’m familiar. That’s all. You’re doing great.”

I can’t help but smile as I get up and walk out. Pausing in the doorway, I look back.

“Thank you. You’ll never know how much I love you.”

Brand smiles, but I can see the sadness in it.

“Don’t worry,” he tells me easily in his Brand-like way. “I know. I love you too, but I’m going to need some space for a while, Jace. I’m going to pull my head together and sort this out so that I love you the way I should… the way you love me. I’m always here for you if you need me, but try not to need me for a while, OK?”

I nod as my heart swells in my throat at the thought of how I have accidentally hurt one of the people I love most in the world.