Barely Breathing

I tensed when the screen door slammed shut behind me. I knew he was gone, and that I'd never see him again.

My chest spasmed in pain as I released heaving sobs, bending over Evan's unconscious body. I placed my hand on his chest, and he shifted slightly. I sucked in broken breaths, trying to relinquish the pain, but I knew that would never happen... not after today.

Evan moaned below me. My body shook in agony and my insides began to splinter. It was excruciating. I could barely breathe.

"Emma?" Evan murmured, his lids twitching.

"I'm so sorry." I released an impassioned cry, a tear dropping onto his cheek. I leaned down, breathing him in with a brush of my lips against his―savoring his clean, sweet scent and the warmth of his firm lips before pulling away. "I don't know if you'll ever forgive me, but I won't destroy your life too." My heart fought for each beat as the pieces began to fall. "I love you," I breathed.

Easing his head onto the floor, I rose. My legs unsteadily balanced my broken frame. I faltered to the screen door and pushed it open. It took every ounce of strength I had to walk away.

"Emma?!" rang through the darkness, shattering me into a thousand pieces.

Epilogue

I slid into the silent vehicle beside Sara, and Carl backed out of the driveway. I stared out the window the entire drive, allowing Anna and Carl to converse in the front without comprehending a single word. Sara's presence pressed in beside me, but she made no attempt to speak.

When we pulled up to the airport drop-off, Carl removed the suitcases from the trunk while Anna awaited me on the curb.

"I'll ship the rest of your things once you're in your dorm," she told me, smiling kindly. She examined my face and gently brushed my cheek. "You don't have to do this, Emma. You deserve to walk down that aisle on graduation day with everyone else. I wish you'd reconsider."

I smiled lightly, knowing she only wanted to console me, but I was beyond reaching now. Everything was still and quiet inside me, impervious to the emotions that weighed on her face. There was nothing left. It had all shattered, leaving me hollow.

"I should get going," I replied, sliding one arm through the strap of my backpack. Anna hugged me and handed me my boarding passes.

"Call if you need anything," she urged and I nodded.

"Your advisor will be contacting you after you arrive to arrange for your final exams," Carl explained, rolling the suitcase over to me and setting the duffle bag next to it.

"Thank you," I expressed sincerely. He hesitated before giving me a brief, firm hug.

"You know where we are," he said to me before getting in the car.

Sara remained still, leaning against the SUV. I paused, but she hadn't said a word to me since I booked my flight two days ago, and I wasn't expecting her to now.

I picked up the duffle bag and rolled the suitcase after me, headed toward the check-in counter.

"Emma!" Sara yelled, jogging to catch up. I closed my eyes and exhaled in relief, stopping to wait for her. Her eyes were glassy as her brow scrunched in agony. "Don't do this. Please. This isn't what's supposed to happen."

I remained unaffected and smiled at her reassuringly. "It'll be okay."

"Emma, please!"

"I'll see you in a few weeks, right?" I confirmed, my eyes soft.

She swallowed and pressed her lips together with a nod. Then she grabbed my shoulders. Her words poured out passionately, “You're making the biggest mistake of your life. Don't do this. I know you're going to regret it."

I waited for her to let me go, and replied in an even tone, "I'll see you soon." I turned from her and walked away.

~~~~~

I pulled the key out of the door and tossed my backpack on the bed. I opened the small refrigerator to get a water, trying to ignore the fact that Lyle was in the room. Unfortunately, he was hard to ignore.

I froze with the door in my hand, recognizing the box on his bed as he shamelessly rummaged through its contents.

"What the hell?" I demanded, furious, slamming the fridge shut. I pulled the box off of his bed and inspected it.

"I was looking for a sweatshirt," he explained feebly. His invasion of my things wasn't new. He’d done it a lot in the past few months, but this was crossing the line.

"You're not going to find one in here," I scowled angrily. "Give me those." I snatched the pictures from his hands.

"Relax, Evan," he countered, flopping back down on his bed. "Who's the girl anyway? She's pretty hot."

"None of your business," I snapped, placing the photos back in the box, on top of the camera case I hadn't touched in months. I hesitated, removing the square envelope from the stack. I ran my fingers over my mother's name written in her distinct penmanship. A cold current filtered through me at the touch of the thick paper between my fingers.

The letter that was once sealed in this envelope changed everything. I never got to read it. But whatever she'd written to my mother kept me from following after her, forcing me to stay on the East coast while she escaped to California. No explanation. No good-bye. That letter changed my life, and I never saw a single word.

I set the envelope back in the box and paused before closing it, taking in the image of her laughing. Her laugh was infectious, lighting up her caramel brown eyes, creasing them around their edges. She reminded me of the picture of her father she used to have on her dresser.

I had to look away. I knew I was only torturing myself. She left. She left me here.

Just before I closed the box I realized something was missing. I looked around the room and spotted the sweatshirt hanging on the back of the chair at Lyle's desk.

"What the fuck, Lyle!" I bellowed, grabbing it.

"What would I want with a Stanford sweatshirt?" he defended with a roll of his eyes.

"If you touch my things again, I'll break your hand," I threatened. He didn't look up from his textbook, but I knew he’d heard me. The color flushed across his face.

I shoved the sweatshirt in the box and folded the flaps, hiding the image of her laughing at something I'd said. I slid the box into the bottom of my closet, next to the others.

"I don't get it," he muttered. "What's up with the boxes anyway?"

I closed the closet door, shutting away all of the reasons I was compelled to say, "I don't know if I'm staying."