Barely Breathing

When I arrived at Sara's, I found her and Anna laughing in the kitchen. Sara was taking bites from a slice of red pepper that she'd plucked from a cutting board while Anna cut up ingredients for a salad. I felt like I was intruding, and it struck me that I hadn't knocked. Maybe I was supposed to now that I didn't live here.

"Emma," Sara exclaimed when she saw me. "Perfect timing. You can tell my mother that she is wrong about Kyle, and that he's not going to bring his college friends to this party tonight."

"Um," I began, trying to catch up. "No, Kyle's not like that."

"Oh, because he likes hanging out with high schoolers, even though he graduated last year," Anna rebutted with a smirk. "I'm sure he's going to bring some friends from Syracuse."

I shook my head when she said it, realizing who that could mean. "I hope not."

Sara started laughing, catching sight of my dread. "That could mean Drew. Em, that would suck so bad. I have to call Jill." She disappeared upstairs before I could say anything, even though her phone was in the front pocket of her jeans.

"It's great to see you, Emma," Anna offered, mixing the contents of the salad in a bowl. "I feel like it's been a while since you've been over. How is everything going with your mother? I just had lunch with her the other day. She seems so happy."

"Really?" I tried not to sound so surprised. "Everything's really... good."

"I'm glad to hear that. She and I talk a few times a week, so I get the updates on your busy schedule. But we've missed having you around."

Before I could react to her comment, the front door opened and Carl bellowed hello.

"Hi, Dad," Sara said as she came down the stairs. They appeared around the corner together.

"Emma, I'm glad you're here," Carl acknowledged, setting down his briefcase. "How've you been?

"Great," I replied automatically.

"I spoke with your Stanford coach today, and I have your housing information. I think we should look into booking a flight soon."

"Uh, yeah, sure," I replied, hit with the realization that graduation was only two months away. "I'm staying the night, so maybe we can do it tomorrow."

"Sounds good," he agreed. "I'm going to change before dinner." He kissed Anna on the cheek. "Do you need me to do anything?"

"No. Dinner's ready whenever you come down."

When Carl was out of earshot, Sara told us, "Jill said Kyle was bringing a few friends, but she wasn't sure who they were. But it's not going to be a crazy college party or anything, Mom."

"I just want you to be smart," Anna warned. "Call me if you need a ride home, okay?"

Sara smiled, her eyes twinkling, "Of course." I knew what she was thinking, that this party was just like any other―including the one we had here in their house, the one they still had no clue about.

We arrived early to Jill's, as promised. Jill needed our approval on her outfit―or I should say, Sara's approval. Casey was already there as well, along with... Analise.

I tried to keep smiling when I saw her, but I knew I’d failed when Sara elbowed me in the ribs. "I forgot she was coming," she whispered beside me. "I better not drink too much. I might get too honest."

I smirked, actually curious what Sara would say to Analise if she wasn't filtered.

"But if she mentions Evan once tonight, I may not be able to hold back, sober or not."

"Sara," I laughed, "he talked to her. It's been a little better the last couple of weeks."

"I suppose," she admitted with a sigh. "When's Evan getting here anyway? Who's he coming with?"

I pulled out my phone to check if he'd texted me. There was a missed call from an unfamiliar number along with a new voice message. My stomach flipped. "I can't remember," I admitted, suddenly distracted.

"You're particularly more out of it than usual today," she noted.

"I know," I sighed. I was about to make an excuse to go to the bathroom, so I could listen to the message, when I was interrupted by a scream.

Sara and I rushed into the room, where the scream was now followed by yelling. "You, fuck!" Jill reamed. "I can't believe you spilled a drink on Dad's leather couch. The party hasn't even started yet and you're already making a mess. Get out of here! Get out!"

The young guy with the bright red face and curly dark hair was trying to wipe up the mess with a piece of paper from the printer, which wasn't doing anything except spreading it around.

"Stop it," Jill scolded, "you're making it worse. I'm pissed that you have you to be here at all."

Casey squeezed by us with a roll of paper towels.

Sara pursed her lips to keep from laughing. "Glad I'm an only child."

That's when I recognized him from a family picture hanging on the wall in the dining room. He was Jill's younger brother.

"How old is he?" I asked, walking away from the drama and into the kitchen.

"He's a freshman," Sara told me. "I guess he threatened to tell Jill's parents about the party unless he and a few of his friends could stay. She was so pissed. Don't you remember her telling us this at lunch?"

"Uh, no. Another black out moment, sorry."

Sara scrunched her eyes. I knew she wanted to ask me if I was okay, but then she knew what my answer would be.

I looked at the clock and wondered what my mother was doing tonight. I’d texted her to say that I was staying over at Sara's, but she’d never responded. I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

"I'll be right back," I told Sara. "I'm going to use the bathroom while I still can." She nodded, and I walked down the hall and into the floral inspired bathroom.

I locked the door and pressed the code on my phone to listen to my message. It wasn't what I expected at all. "Hello, Emily. This is Vivian. I was hoping you were available for brunch on Sunday morning at eleven. I have someone I would very much like you to meet. You are welcome to call me back at this number. I look forward to hearing from you."

I removed the phone from my ear, completely taken by surprise.

Within an hour, the house was starting to fill with juniors and seniors, and the handpicked five or so freshmen who were friends with Jill's brother. Evan arrived with a couple of guys from the baseball team. When I saw their faces, I vaguely remembered him mentioning that he was coming with them.

I smiled at the sight of him, cutting through the crowd. He was easy to spot since he was taller than just about everyone, and I'm certain we were easy to locate with Sara's fiery red hair standing out in the crowd.

"Hi," I glowed. He bent down and kissed me.

"So how's the party so far?" he asked, resting his hand on my back.

"It's actually pretty great," Sara intercepted before I could shrug it away as any other party. "Did you bring you swimsuit? Jill has a huge hot tub on her parents’ deck that she's only allowing a few of us to use later."

"I didn't," Evan replied. "I may have shorts in my car though."

"That's great," a chipper voice said from beside us. I hadn't noticed Analise hovering until now. How long had she been standing there?

Sara squeezed my arm at the sight of her. I was beginning to get the impression that Analise got to Sara more than she got to me―if that was possible.

"Do you mean she told you about it, too?" Sara asked Analise, not hiding her detestation.

"Yeah," Analise replied unaffected. "She said it fits like twenty people or something. I guess Jill's parents have parties all of the time."

"That's what I heard," Sara nodded. Then she mumbled, "Let's hope they put extra chlorine in it."

I eyed her in confusion as Evan chuckled and said, "Nice, Sara. That's pretty gross."

I scrunched my face in disgust. Sara rolled her eyes at me for taking so long to understand what she was insinuating.

"Don't you dare try to get out of it," Sara threatened. "If I'm going in, so are you."

"Great," I groaned, completely disturbed by the thought of what had potentially gone on in the hot tub.

Kyle arrived with a keg and some guys from college. I moved away from the crowd of people rushing toward the free beer, so I had no idea who came in with him. I was pretty certain that if Drew was one of them, I'd know soon enough.

I tried to be social, truly I did. But I kept looking at my phone to see if my mother had called or texted me. I wanted to ask where she was or even how she was, but I was afraid it would seem like I was checking up on her. Well, I was checking up on her.

"Let's get our suits," Sara suggested, returning from refilling her glass with some red drink Jill had concocted.

"Where's Evan?" Sara asked as we made our way to Jill's room.

"Not sure," I answered. "He went to get a drink and then to get his shorts, I think. I guess he'll find us."

Sara knocked on the door. "Who is it?"

"Jill, open the door. It's Sara and Emma."

The door opened cautiously with a pair of eyes peeking through the crack. Sara rolled her eyes and pushed the door open, making the girl behind it stumble backwards. There were several girls in the room, adjusting their bathing suits and double checking their appearances in the mirror. Sara grabbed her suit and began changing, not caring who saw her. I waited my turn for the bathroom. I had never been comfortable changing in front of anyone―even after years of being on sports teams and having girls change in front of me without a care. I usually had too much to think about, like where my bruises were and who would see them. Now, I supposed it was just a habit that I couldn't quite break.

Before I left the bathroom, I examined my back one final time to make sure the scarred striations were barely visible. There were only a few of them where the belt had cut deep enough to leave a scar, but they were still there―even after a year. I convinced myself it would be too dark to see them, and besides, I'd be in the water.

I emerged wearing a white bikini top with orange polka dots and shorts covering the striped bottoms. I secured my hair high on my head to keep it from getting wet and folded a towel over my arm.

I wanted to ask Sara if the marks were noticeable, but I didn't want to draw attention to them. Instead, I pulled a tank top on until we were in the dark. I followed as we were led out a sliding door onto a private deck. The deck wrapped around the back of the house where the hot tub was letting off billows of steam into the cool April night. It had rained most of the day so the wood was wet and cold under my feet. I didn't have the numbing power of alcohol to make me oblivious to the cold like most of the girls.

There were already four or five people in the hot tub. I noticed Evan was one of them, and next to him was Analise. The predictability of that was nauseating. Worse than that, sitting next to her was Drew. I stopped abruptly. One of the giggling girls behind me bumped against my shoulder.

"Sorry," she said as she passed.

"Oh, shit," Sara breathed from beside me. "Where did he come from?"

Evan caught my eye and smiled, then saw my face and shrugged dismissively. If he could get over it, especially after getting into a fight with Drew last year, then I could too. The tightness in my stomach indicated otherwise.