Barely Breathing

I averted my eyes sheepishly. “It was hard. But I did tell Sara―sorry.”

“When I said anyone, I didn’t count her. She’s a given.” The excitement continued to seep in. “Now I just have to find out which school accepts me so I can join you.”

My smile faltered again.

“What?” Evan asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.

I opened my mouth to speak, but then immediately closed it.

“Say it,” he demanded. “Let me in that head of yours before you start thinking things you shouldn’t.”

“Too late,” I confessed with a guilty shrug. I paused again before I revealed, “I heard your dad.” Evan opened his mouth, about to spew some not so happy words, when I interrupted, “He’s right.”

He stopped and stared at me. “About what?”

“You can’t make one of the biggest decisions of your life based on a girl.”

Evan smirked. Not the reaction I expected. “Okay.” My eyes widened at his casual response. He continued to wear his infamous amused grin as he added, “Because Stanford and Berkeley are horrible schools, and I’d be jeopardizing my whole future if I went to California. You're right. We should just break up now since there’s no point in us considering each other in any decisions we make about our futures.”

“Evan!” I balled up the wrapping paper and threw it at him. He laughed and batted it into the fire as if he’d planned it. “That’s not what I meant,” I huffed.

“I know,” he chuckled, pulling me toward him, “but you can’t listen to my father. He only thinks he knows what’s best for me, when in fact he has no idea who I am.” He kissed the top of my head and added, “I would never make such a huge decision based on a girl.” He paused long enough for a jolt of panic to make my back tense, before completing with, “but you’re not just any girl. I’m… We’re going to California.”

I buried my face in his chest and squeezed my arms around him. “Yale’s the best law school in the country,” I rebutted without conviction.

“And who said I wanted to be a lawyer,” he responded, squeezing me back. Suddenly, he pulled away and declared, “I want to teach you how to dance.”

My heart stopped. “You what?”

Evan laughed.

“I can’t dance.”

He laughed again. “I know. That’s why I’m going to teach you.”

I groaned and clenched my teeth in dread as he approached the Bose system. I was trying to figure out how to conjure up an ounce of grace as he inserted his iPhone and scrolled through the song selections. I scanned the empty terrace, scouting for potential tripping hazards. Then I took in the puddle of chiffon around my sneakers and exhaled in defeat―this was going to be a disaster.

My head popped up at the sudden strum of a guitar followed by a round of drums. Evan started nodding his head to the beat, walking slowly over to me. He reached for me, cradling my hips in his hands and rocking me to the punk song.

“Ready?” he asked, taking my hand and spinning me around as I laughed. When I turned back to face him, he started bouncing up and down, forcing me up with him. The thumping energy surged through me and I found myself jumping alongside him. He smiled in approval and proceeded to thrust his head in time with the thrashing bass. I rocked from side to side and jumped in a circle, swinging my arms―my skirt swirling around me.

We po-goed around the terrace for another song until I finally collapsed in an Adirondack, giddy and out of breath.

“You’re amazing.”

Evan stood in front of me, admiring me with flushed cheeks.

“I’m sure I don’t look so amazing now,” I noted, blowing the strand of hair stuck to my nose as a line sweat ran down my temple.

“That’s not what I said,” he corrected. “You are amazing.”

I could feel my cheeks changing color, and my lips stretched into an embarrassed smile. “What did I do?”

“Just you, everything about you―you’re amazing,” he stated simply.

“You just love that I’m such a great dancer,” I teased, making him chuckle.

Evan pulled me to my feet and met me with a kiss that set off a thousand fireworks through my entire body. Wait. Those were fireworks. I turned to witness a sprinkling of red sparks in the sky. We stepped out from under the terrace to watch the brilliant spectacle.

“Happy New Year,” Evan said into my ear, pulling me around to kiss me before I could say the same.

It was the most dazzling fireworks display I'd ever seen; I could feel my heart beating in my chest with each explosion. The sparks felt like they were going sprinkle down upon us. Every so often, I’d glance up at Evan to find him watching me adoringly. Then he’d redirect his attention toward the fire in the sky.

When it was over, my toes were numb from standing in the snow and I was shivering. The fireworks were so mesmerizing; I hadn’t registered that the temperature had dropped until now.

“Let's get going,” Evan said, rubbing my arms when he noticed me shaking. “You're about to freeze into a lawn ornament." I followed him to the terrace where the fire had become a heap of glowing embers. Evan walked to the side of the house and returned with a couple gallons of water to douse the remaining heat in the fireplace. I packed up Evan’s package and speaker system while he put the fire out.

When we neared the front of the house, Evan’s black BMW was idling in the driveway.

“The limo driver?”

“Is awesome,” Evan declared in awe. When we ducked into the warm car, I pulled off my gloves and thawed my hands in front of the blowing heater vent. “Now where?”

“Hotel?” I suggested, trying to sound nonchalant.

Evan grinned knowingly. “Mine or yours?”

The question suddenly made me think of Sara. I wondered how her night had gone, and where she and Jared were right now.

“Where do you think they are?” Evan asked, as if reading my mind.

“You don’t think they…” I questioned.

“He was excited to see her again,” he shrugged, “and she looked incredible tonight…”

“I know, right?!” I agreed emphatically. “But you don’t think they would… do you?”

Evan shrugged again. “Let’s just pick a room and hope it’s empty.” He leaned over and found me waiting. What started as a soft kiss, pressed into a more urgent one, coated with want. The nervousness that shot through me at the thought of going to the hotel room, was quickly replaced with a need to get there as quickly as we could.

Evan pulled back, breathing heavily, “Yours.” He buckled his seatbelt and put the car in gear, speeding out of the driveway. That’s when we met the line of slow moving limos pulling out of the mansion’s driveway and were practically forced to stop. “No way,” Evan groaned, banging his head against his head rest in frustration. I laughed.

While we patiently waited to move more than twenty feet a minute, Evan stated, “I think this is going to be a great year, Em.”

“I hope so,” I squeezed his hand that rested on my lap and thought, It can’t be any worse than last year.

“It’s going to be different, that’s for sure,” he continued, “especially since you’re moving in with your mother. Where did that come from anyway?”

I shrugged. “I figured now was a better time than any to recognize I have a mother.”

“Okay,” he noted slowly with a nod of his head. “But this weekend? All in, huh?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you’re going to do something, you’re going to give it everything you have. You’ve decided to reconnect with your mother, so why not move in with her?”

I shrugged again, never consciously recognizing that that was one of my character traits. But he was right. I was an overachiever, needing to excel in everything I did―so why not this?

“What’s your therapist going to say about your decision?” he asked, and then shook his head when I wouldn't answer. “You stopped seeing her, didn’t you?” I still wouldn't say anything, knowing how he felt about the therapy. “How come?”

“I’m fine,” I defended. “I don’t see the point. Besides, Sara’s a better therapist than anyone with a PhD, and she doesn’t force me to write down my feelings.”

Evan chuckled. “That’s probably true.” His laugh tapered and he became serious. “You know if you ever need to talk…”

“I’m not much of a talker.” I directed my attention out the window, not wanting to stir the emotions I'd made a point to shut off.

“I know,” he accepted softly. After a moment of silence, he added, “This year will be better at school, too.”

I glanced at him skeptically.

“Really,” he assured me. “You know something stupid had to have happened over the break. Somebody got a nose job or slept with their best friend’s girlfriend. They have short memories.” Evan squeezed my hand, and I hoped more than anything that he was right.

My stomach fluttered with nerves when we pulled up to the hotel. While we waited for the valet attendant, Evan said, “Let’s not go into this with expectations. We can do whatever comes naturally.”

I stared at him. “Are you serious? Of course I have expectations. I’ve expected to have sex with you for about six months now.”

“Okay then,” Evan replied with a smile. “We obviously have the same expectation.” I laughed, easing the nervous tension.

We left the car in the hands of the valet and made our way to the elevator. Evan held my hand the entire time, and my whole body was jittering so much that I couldn’t find anything to say.

Before I opened the door, Evan turned me around and said, “Close your eyes.” I obeyed. “Deep breath.” I inhaled deeply and relaxed my shoulders with the exhale. I awaited my next instruction but felt his lips upon mine instead. Their touch surprised me. My calm breath faltered and my knees weakened. I opened my mouth to the rhythm of his, feeling the warmth of his tongue on mine. Fumbling in my pocket for the key, I tried to open the door while remaining connected. It didn’t work.

I pulled away long enough to insert the key and open the door. Then I tugged Evan toward me, finding his lips again. Evan started to unbutton his jacket as I backed into the room. That’s when I heard, “You’re back!” I pushed away from Evan mid-kiss and spun around, slamming the door in his face.

“Sara, hi,” I fumbled, trying to catch my breath. I cracked the door to find Evan rubbing his forehead, “So, Sara’s here. Umm, I guess I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Uh, okay,” Evan said slowly, looking at me like I was acting weird―only because I was. “I guess I’ll see you in the morning.” I shut the door before he could even kiss me goodnight.

“What’s wrong with you?” Sara demanded. “You could've let him in.”