Barely Breathing

“Hey. Got your text. Is everything okay?”

“Oh, yeah,” I replied, trying to sound as casual as possible. “My mother and Jonathan got into another fight, so I had to drive her home. She was overly dramatic as usual, so I had to listen to her go off for a while. Sorry I didn’t get to see you after the game.”

“Are you sure you're okay?”

"Yeah, I'm fine. She's about to go to bed now anyway, all talked out." My stomach turned at my lie. “Can I meet you at your place in a little bit? I’d really love to see you.” I wanted nothing more than to be released from the consuming emotions, and being in Evan's arms was exactly what I needed.

“Ah, I um,” Evan stumbled, a few voices hollered in the background as he stalled.

“Are you ready?” I heard a girl ask, sounding closer.

“Just a second,” he answered her. My heart skipped a beat, knowing exactly who she was. “I just, uh, promised Analise that I’d take her to Jeff’s party. It’s her first one and she doesn’t know many people yet. But I can see if she can go with someone else or something. Let me―”

“It's okay.” I tried to sound unaffected, despite the pain twisting in my chest. “You go. I'm pretty tired anyway.”

“Em, are you sure?”

“Yeah, I'm fine,” I said, swallowing against the tightness in my throat, forcing the emotion out of my voice. “It’s been a stupid night, and I’m really exhausted. I’ll see you tomorrow?” My voice shook despite my efforts. I closed my eyes to fend off the tears.

“Okay,” he answered, and before he could say anything else, I hung up the phone. I stood in the middle of the kitchen with the broom in my hand, trying to breathe against the swelling in my chest.

I took a deep breath before opening my eyes, turning everything off until I felt nothing. Then I began sweeping up my mother’s fit.

“Let me help you.”

I turned to find Jonathan in the doorway. I didn’t answer as he filled the mop bucket with soap and water and began wiping the wine that was running down the cabinets. We remained silent while we cleaned.

After bringing the bag of broken glass outside to the trash, I collapsed on the second step in the foyer, covering my face in my hands with my elbows propped on my legs, emotionally drained. Jonathan shut off the kitchen light and sat next to me.

“What’s going to happen now?” I asked without looking up. “Did you end things with her?”

“I wasn’t about to do that in her condition,” he explained lowly. “I’m sorry you had to see any of that. It really wasn’t about you.”

I lifted my head. “I have no idea what happened tonight, but she was so... angry. I think she does blame me, but I don't know what I did.”

Jonathan shook his head in contradiction. “This is between me and Rachel. It has nothing to do with you.”

“But you are going to leave her now, aren't you?” I concluded dryly.

Jonathan was quiet for a moment. “Do you want me to stay?”

My eyes tightened, not sure how to answer. I didn't know exactly what he was asking.

“If I left right now, would it be worse for you... to live here?”

“Don’t worry about me,” I assured him without much conviction. “That wouldn’t be the right reason to stay anyway. It would only be worse in the end, for everyone. She’ll just have to get over you.”

“I’m sorry, Emma,” he offered in a hushed tone.

“Me too,” I breathed. He peered at me with sympathetic eyes, pulling me in. It took me a moment before I was able to break away. “I think I’ve had enough drama tonight, so I’m going to bed.”

“And I should go,” he responded, standing with me. I paused in my ascent when he opened the door.

“Good-bye, Jonathan.”

“I’m not leaving you, Emma,” he assured me. “If you ever need me, I’m here.”

“Thanks,” I answered, exhaustion heavy in my voice. I watched him disappear behind the closed door and continued to my room.

As I pulled the blankets over me, my phone beeped. I’m coming over appeared on the screen.

I’m in bed. I’ll see you in the morning, I typed back.

10am, my house?

OK.

I sunk under the blankets, not looking forward to seeing anyone in the morning―not even Evan.

22. Inside Out

I didn’t remember sleeping. But the next thing I knew, it was morning. It seemed unlikely that I made it through the night without a nightmare, especially since I was still exhausted when I pulled the covers back―but I couldn’t remember that either.

It was eerily quiet while I got ready, other than the house's occasional groans. There still wasn’t any movement when I shut the front door behind me. I sat in my car for a minute before starting it, gripping the steering wheel with my eyes fixed on the house like I was expecting it to tell me what to do―how to make everything better. It just remained still, staring back at me.

"Sure," I whispered, "now you're silent." I took a long drawn breath and started the car.

I pulled into the Mathews’ driveway to find more cars than usual. Along with Vivian and Evan’s BMWs and Stuart’s Mercedes were a black Lexus and a blue Prius. I parked in the middle of the long driveway, blocking them all in―figuring we’d be leaving as soon as Evan put on his jacket.

I knocked. No one answered. I knocked again and waited longer―still no one came to the door. I turned the knob and slowly let myself in, cautiously scanning the kitchen.

“Hello?” I called out, creeping further into the large kitchen. That’s when I heard laughter. I stopped to listen and then moved toward the voices―leading me down the hall.

One of the doors along the long hallway, a door that was always shut when I visited, was cracked open. I could hear the voices coming from inside. I recognized Evan’s.

“You are far from awkward,” he said.

“Believe me, he knows awkward,” Stuart teased with a light laugh.

“Dad!” Evan scorned, but with a playfulness in his voice. “She’s not awkward either.”

“She’s something else entirely,” Stuart chuckled.

“What do you mean?” she asked. Analise―of course.

I knocked. All conversation ceased as I became visible at the entrance.

“Hi.” I scanned each surprised face and noted the stacks of envelopes piled on the large conference table where they were sitting.

“Hi,” Evan acknowledged with a dazzling smile. “It’s ten?” I nodded. “Sorry. Lost track of time. Do you want to help? I promised my mother we’d stuff all of these envelopes before we left. We’re almost done.”

“Oh.” I glanced from Analise’s bright eyes to Stuart, who wouldn't look at me at all. “Um, I need to get my things together for the hike. I just kinda threw them in my car so I could get here. I'll meet you outside, if that’s okay.”

“Okay, sure,” Evan replied hesitantly. “I won’t be long.” I nodded and slowly walked away.

I’d obviously interrupted something, and I wasn’t about to ruin it with my awkwardness. I couldn’t believe I’d heard Stuart laugh. I’d never even seen him smile. I closed the kitchen door behind me, shutting out the voices and laughter with it.

I walked toward the garage instead of my car, leaving my expertly packed backpack resting on the backseat. I made my way up the stairs to the rec room, plopping down on the couch.

I lay there, staring at the beamed ceiling.

My phone beeped. How are you this morning? lit up the screen.

Tired. And you?

Same, he answered. I'm really sorry about last night. How is she today?

Didn't see her.

I'm going to talk to her. Going to be honest.

I stared at the last text, not sure what part he planned to be honest about. Before I could respond, I heard, “Here you are.” Sara stood at the top of the stairs.

“Hi,” I sat up in surprise. “What are you doing back?”

“We’re going hiking with you,” she revealed in excitement.

“Great,” I responded, but my voice fell flat.

Sara eyed me suspiciously. “Do you not want us to? Did you want to be alone with Evan?”

“No, it’s great,” I smiled weakly, truly not concerned with the added company.

“You’re not right," Sara observed, coming around to sit next to me on the couch. “Spill it.”

“It’s nothing really. Just tired. My mother and Jonathan had a fight last night, and I thought they broke up…”

“I heard,” Sara gawked. “I thought Jill was exaggerating.”

I groaned. Of course. Jill had front row seats to most of the debacle. "Did Jill say anything else?" I asked, suddenly concerned that the drinking part was leaked as well.

"No," Sara returned. "Why? Is there something else?"

“No," I lied. "That was enough drama for one night.”

“That’s why today is exactly what you need,” Sara gleamed, jumping up and pulling me to my feet. “Fresh air with your best friend and your boyfriend. And, of course, my boyfriend too. I’ve missed you. We all need this.”

“True,” I agreed, a smile eventually taking shape without effort.

I followed Sara down the stairs. Anna's SUV was parked behind my car, and Jared was tossing two backpacks into it. I added my backpack to the pile and eyed the bags, coming up with one too many.

“She’s what?!”

Sara stood on the bottom step, eyeing Analise, who was standing next to Evan on the porch, all bubbly and excited. With Sara’s reaction, Analise’s smile deflated. I walked closer to hear what was going on.

“Come on, Sara,” Evan countered. “What’s one more person?”

I realized what they were discussing, and my shoulders sank. Evan looked to me for support. I forced my cheeks up and cheerily contributed, “Analise, you’re coming with us, right?”

“Is that okay?” she questioned, looking from me to Sara. Sara tightened her eyes in my direction, not appreciating my betrayal. Then she turned back toward Analise with a sugary smile.

“Sure,” Sara exclaimed with forced excitement. “It’ll be great.” I couldn’t help but smile wider at her exaggerated reaction. “Jared, why don’t you drive? That way Emma and I can get to know Analise.” She tossed him the keys.

After moving my car onto the street, I jumped into the backseat of the SUV and we headed north along the Connecticut-New York border into the mountains.

For ninety minutes, Sara interrogated Analise. Of course she did it in her own Sara-way, laughing and getting excited when they liked the same things. But every so often, she’d shoot me an are you kidding me glance that kept a smirk on my face.

We headed out along the trail, adorned with backpacks. Analise kept up alongside Evan and Jared, allowing Sara and me to follow behind―evidently she’d had enough girl time.

“What’s with her?” Sara asked, watching as Analise giggled and swatted at Evan’s arm. “She seems nice enough, but I just… I just don’t like her.”