At Any Turn

I never got it past the first knuckle before she jerked her hand back with a violent tug. The ring dropped on the table, wobbling like a penny between us. We both stared at it, as if we were two lovers watching our future evaporate in front of us. Because we were.

Every breath I took in brought a stabbing pain to my rib cage. The waiter collected our dessert plates, carefully ignoring the ring sitting on the table between us.

We both looked down vaguely toward our own place settings. For lack of anything else to do, I reached into my wallet, pulled out my credit card and gave it to the waiter. Hopefully it would keep the bastard away for a little while, anyway.

I finally geared up the courage to look at her. She still stared wide-eyed at the abandoned ring, which sparked from the flames of the nearby candle. Slowly she shook her head and finally spoke. “What—what was that?”

Silence hung in the air around us, thickened like an opaque curtain of mistrust.

“You tell me,” I answered tightly. Would I get no explanation from her? My mind flipped through jumbled thoughts, and I wondered if I should press her to find out what she was thinking. Or if this was even an appropriate place to do so.

And how could I even think straight when I felt like I’d just been slammed in the nuts with a two-by-four?

“Adam,” she said and her voice trembled. With reluctance, I looked at her again. “There’s no way—”

“Not now or not ever?” God, I sounded like such a loser when I asked it, too. Like that whiny weakling lying in a pool of his own blood in the locker room one night, staring up at the four guys who’d just handed him his ass.

She shook her head. “I don’t even know—” Shit. It was worse than I thought.

“Excuse me. I’ll call for the car.” I stood.

I went to the bathroom instead, took a minute to decompress. Actually tried splashing cold water on my face. It didn’t do a shit-worth of good. That pain in my side was back again. What did this mean? Not now—not ever?

When I got back to the table, the check was there for me to sign. I pocketed the credit card and added the tip. I looked down, noticing the ring was no longer sitting on the table, but had been closed back inside the little black box. As if, with the reminder gone, we could go back to acting like—well, not like normal, because that wasn’t what we’d been acting like all night. Or for days, for that matter.

I left the box on the table with no desire to touch the fucking thing again. But out of the corner of my eye, as I turned to leave, I saw her scoop it up and drop it in her purse. Not the way I’d envisioned her coming home with it.

Ah, shit. I remembered the gathering of people that I’d asked Kim to invite over to surprise her. It was under the pretense of celebrating her med school acceptance, of course, but I’d also planned for it to be a celebration of our new engagement. My mind raced. I could take Emilia to a movie and text Kim to let her know, but everyone thought they were there to congratulate her on her success—and they were. I was obligated to go through with it.

We’d have to plaster on fake smiles and pretend this hadn’t just happened. I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. Her head was bowed as she waited next to me for the car to be brought up. She looked puzzled and a little angry.

Nevertheless, I wasn’t ready to give up. A small battle lost, though I didn’t know why, did not mean that all was lost. And I was a person who didn’t give up easily. I never was. He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight. He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared.

I’d seethe in silence, but I would plan and I’d be ready for when her defenses were weak.

We drove in silence. She had her arms folded tightly across her chest, but we never once spoke to each other.

Hell yeah, I was pissed. What the fuck was this all about, anyway? Did she think I went around proposing to women all the time? Like this was just another night for me? I’d never even wanted to think about marriage. Had no desire whatsoever. Not until her.

And sure, maybe it was motivated a little bit by fear, but what better motivator was there? Many a great feat had been motivated by fear. So I’d secured this as a way to keep her. I’d had it all planned out. We’d have the wedding before she started medical school. She’d walk into her first class a married woman and she’d be here with me.

Though I was dreading the thought of the party, I was actually relieved at the prospect of people surrounding us, so that we wouldn’t have to be alone. So that we wouldn’t be drowning in this silence that was a thick as the fog that clung to the Newport coast almost every morning.