As She Fades

Knox only nodded.

He was concerned. I could see it even though he was trying to hide it.

“You said she was studying?” he asked.

“Yeah. I just texted her.”

He headed for the door. “I’ll see you later,” he called out before he was gone.

Shit.

Damn it all to hell.

He was going to check on her, because he was worried she was upset. Damn, I hated myself.

* * *

I DIDN’T SEE Knox again until that night. And when I did, he seemed distant. Which answered my question. Vale was not okay and it was my fault.

Isla was nervous most of the evening until I got her to play pool, then she danced with a few of the guys when they asked and I assured her it was fine. But not once did I leave the crowd with her. I made sure Knox saw that I wasn’t getting her alone. That was the last thing on my mind. I was worried about Vale, and as soon as I could call it a night with Isla, I was going to find her.

I just had to make sure Isla had a good time, because if she didn’t, I knew Vale would be upset about that, too. When one in the morning rolled around and Isla was drunk and still dancing, I figured I better get her back to her place safely.

I dodged another girl by walking off before she could speak. I’d already been propositioned to do, watch, and experience things that were typically too hot to turn down. Fucking-blow-your-load hot, but not now. Vale had changed everything.

CHAPTER FIFTY

VALE

THE LONG WHITE hallway seemed endless. Like I could never get to where I was going. Where was I going? I was lost. Looking for someone. Crawford. He was missing. That was it. I hadn’t seen Crawford. I had to find him. The never-ending stretch of white walls and tile floors smelled of antiseptic and death. I was in a hospital. I’d seen too many of those.

I wanted out. I didn’t want to be here. Where was everyone? How had I gotten to be so alone? Who left me behind? Was it Crawford? I had to find him. Someone. I didn’t like it here.

The walls felt like they were closing in, and my heart pounded in my chest as panic began to set in. I started to run. I had to get out of this. Find the light. Find the way to him. To where I needed to be.

Then a door opened and he stepped out. His long, dark hair tucked behind his ears and his emerald-green eyes on mine. I inhaled deeply for the first time. My heart slowed and I stopped running. The walls opened back up and I was going to be okay. I wasn’t lost now. I wasn’t alone.

He was there now. In front of me.

“I thought you might need a decent cup of joe,” he said.…

My eyes opened and I was once again in my dorm room staring at the ceiling. Although I had never been in a long white hallway, lost with walls closing in, there had been something so real and familiar about that dream. As if Slate had been there before. When I was lost. But that didn’t make sense.

“I thought you might need a decent cup of joe” seemed so real.

I sat up and my phone began to buzz. I reached over and picked it up from the nightstand to see Slate’s name lighting up the screen. He was calling me. Why? It was three in the morning.

As hurt as I was, I couldn’t ignore him. He might need me.

So I answered.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Well, here I am.”

“No, face-to-face. Please. I’m just outside.”

“Where’s Isla? Is she okay?”

“I took her home. She’s passed out in her room. She’s fine.”

I paused. Why did he want to talk at three in the morning? “Are you drunk?”

“No. I didn’t drink anything tonight.”

“Okay. Let me put on a hoodie.”

“Thank you.”

I didn’t say “you’re welcome” as I hung up. If I hadn’t just had that dream, I probably wouldn’t be going outside to talk to him. Typically I had a little more pride than this.

I eased out of bed and quietly put on the hoodie I had gotten when I was sixteen on a trip to Edinburgh. Then I made sure I had my key to get back in before slipping from the room and down to see Slate.

When I stepped outside into the cool night air, Slate was waiting on the front steps of the building. He looked tired and his hair was slightly messy, like he’d had a rough evening.

“I’m sorry,” he said, before I could say anything.

I was about to ask “for what?” when he continued.

“Asking Isla out. I … I’d come in there wanting to see you and I had complete intentions of asking you to the party.”

“Oh, so you saw her and decided you’d rather take a date than a friend? I get it.”

He shook his head and muttered a curse. When he looked back at me, his eyes were dark. “Is that what we are, Vale? Friends? And you had a date already. I knew that.”

He knew I had a date with Crawford … oh. That might change things. I had gone out with Crawford. We had had dinner and seen a movie. It was a military movie. Not my thing, but I had never gotten to choose the movies. My thoughts had been on Slate all night anyway, no matter how hard I tried not to think about him.

“I don’t know” was the most honest reply I could give him.

He ran his hands through his hair and groaned in frustration. “Vale, I can’t play games with you. Tonight was a stupid game and it made me miserable. I hated it. I made sure Isla had a good time and got her home safe, but I didn’t touch her. I did that because she was your friend and she hadn’t asked to be a part of a stupid fucked-up game I was playing. But I wanted to be with you. I always want to be with you. But there’s Crawford. The love of your life. I can’t compete with that. I want to. But I can’t sit back and wait to see who you choose. I need to know now. Am I wasting my time waiting on you?”

Crawford was a huge part of my life. Asking me to cut that off now without giving us time was impossible. I owed Crawford more than that. From the time I was six I had pictured my future with Crawford.

“I can’t tell you that. I don’t know.”

Slate nodded and his intense eyes locked on me. “I didn’t think so. But I had to ask. Not sure I can be friends, Vale. I’m going to need my own time. Space. You understand?”

I did. My heart felt like it had been ripped out and thrown on the ground to be trampled, but I understood. He had to live his life while I figured out mine.

“Yes.”

Then he left. And as I watched him go, I was afraid I had lost something I would regret the rest of my life.

CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

VALE

LATER THAT DAY, I sat quietly in Crawford’s car while he explained why he was disappointed that I had a weekend job. For starters, I would miss all his games. I hadn’t thought about that when I took the job. I just needed money.

He had been going on about the way I pulled away from him for over an hour. He was right. I was pulling away, and it wasn’t fair to him.

“We used to do everything together,” he said in a sulk.

“We used to do whatever you wanted to do.” I almost covered my mouth in shock that I’d said something like that to him.

He frowned and stared at me. “What?”

He really didn’t see it that way. All these years I had accepted the way things were with Crawford … comfortable with the way we were. He made the decisions and I went along with them. Until I woke up in the hospital and he didn’t show up for three days, that hadn’t dawned on me.

“I needed a good job that didn’t interfere with my classes and studying. All I have free is the weekends. So I took the job. I love my job. I didn’t realize your games were an issue. You don’t see me on game day, anyway, most of the time. Y’all travel. I can’t follow the team every Saturday. I can’t afford that, or expect my parents to pay for it.”