As She Fades

“No, I agree milk would be good with this. I’ll get it. Anyone else?” I needed something to focus on.

“Well, if you’re getting him one, I want one, too,” said the new guy I didn’t know.

Charlie grunted as if he was put out with them both.

“I’ll be right back,” I assured them, and hurried into the kitchen. I felt like I’d scored a victory by not glancing toward Slate.

I went to the large commercial fridge and got out the open gallon of milk to pour into two glass mugs from the freezer.

“He left,” Mae said, startling me. I missed the mug, spilling some of the milk over my right hand, then finished filling them. I didn’t want to respond to that.

“Left a twenty on the table to cover their drinks, then left,” she added.

I picked up the mugs and turned to look at her. “Guess they didn’t like the menu.” Then I headed out the kitchen door. I had to look this time. Even though I knew he was gone, I had to reassure myself. It was weakness, but I glanced. And Mae was right. He was gone.

* * *

THE REST OF the night Mae didn’t bring up the Slate thing. She got the hint I wanted to ignore it, and being a good friend, she played along. I worked behind her after my only table for the night left. The rest of the night went fast. On the way back to the dorm, we stunk up Mae’s car with the scent of fried food. I couldn’t wait to get a shower.

“You did good tonight,” Mae told me as we got out of the car.

I took a deep breath of air, hoping to cleanse the greasy smell from my nostrils. “Thanks. It wasn’t so bad.”

Mae nodded in agreement. “It’s good money and we get to work together.”

“We just stink of food when the night is over,” I added, and she laughed.

“True. Soon you’ll get over it, though, and it won’t be as bad.”

I doubted that. I started to say so, when I noticed a figure standing by the door and paused. It was late, and I didn’t trust what looked from here like a man standing outside a girls’ dorm late at night.

“What?” Mae asked when I didn’t move forward.

I started to point out what I saw when he moved, and I could easily make out Slate’s face in the moonlight. Why was he here?

“Nothing,” I told her. “I thought I forgot my phone in your car, but it’s in my purse.”

“Oh,” she replied, not sounding very convinced. Slate moved around to stand even farther back in the shadows before we got to the door, and I barely cut my eyes his way before following Mae inside.

I’d like to say I was going to go right up to bed. Slate was probably here for some other girl. But after him ignoring me for a week, coming to the place I worked on a date, and now this, I was ready to tell him exactly what I thought of him. Especially since guys like Charlie thought I was one of his many castoffs.

As Mae headed to the elevator, I turned toward the steps. Once I knew she was out of sight I headed back outside.

Slate was there waiting.

“Why are you here? Was tonight not enough? There are three other women’s dorms on this campus. Can’t you go screw someone in one of those? Do you have to keep showing up where I am and flaunting your dates in front of me? Does that give you pleasure?”

“Fuck,” he muttered, and then his hands cupped my face and his mouth was over mine.

This I had not expected.

But my body didn’t seem to have a hard time keeping up. My hands slid up his arms and held on while my mouth opened to his, and he took that invitation to deepen things.

My heart pounded in my chest as my knees went weak. I didn’t know knees could actually go weak from a kiss. But mine were. And I couldn’t get enough. His lips were soft and warm, moving over mine as if I were an instrument and he knew exactly how to play me.

I’m not sure how long I let this go on before reality sank in and I realized I was kissing Slate. I’d never kissed anyone other than Crawford. And when I did, I picked a guy who had just been kissing some other girl he’d taken on a date. That was the cold water I needed to wake me up.

Jerking back, I covered my mouth and took several deep breaths. I was in shock at me and at him. This didn’t make any sense. I knew better than this.

Neither of us said anything. We just stood there staring at each other. What could we say? Had he been here for me? No. He’d been on a date. And he had just kissed me. What kind of guy did that? Slate Freaking Allen. That was who.

“I can’t believe you did that,” I snapped at him, dropping my hand from my mouth and stepping back.

“Why?”

Was he kidding? Why? God, did this guy have no morals at all?

“Oh I don’t know, Slate! Maybe because you are on a date! Waiting on some other girl!” I yelled, pointing back at the entrance to the dorm.

“No, Vale, I’m not. I was here waiting on you.”

Oh.

I stood there thinking about that a moment before responding. Did I want him to wait on me? No. I didn’t want my name attached to his as one of his many one-nighters. It may already be, but I didn’t need to make it worse.

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I just needed to see you. Talk to you.”

“You were on a date tonight,” I pointed out.

He shrugged. “That doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.”

Well, it meant he was confusing me. Completely.

“Slate, what is this? Why are you doing this? You want to be friends, then you just ignore me. Now you show up here missing me. I didn’t go anywhere. You chose to stay away from me.”

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I know.”

This conversation was frustrating. I had worked all night and I wanted a shower and my bed. I started to go back inside.

“Vale, don’t. Please.” His voice was what got me, more so than his words.

I stopped, and with hesitation looked back at him.

“I don’t know what … how … you’re different. I want to see you, every day. But I can’t do a relationship. That’s not me.”

It was me. But it was me with Crawford. Not me with someone else. I wasn’t ready for a relationship with someone other than Crawford yet. How could I demand something I wasn’t prepared to do? Crawford would eventually wake up. I wasn’t giving up hope of that. Then what?

“I can’t do one, either,” I said simply.

“I understand that.”

Where did that leave us? Was I just supposed to accept him dating a different girl every night and still do things like date him and kiss him? Could I even do that?

“Can we date? Just not exclusive? See each other more?” He paused, then a small smile touched his lips. “And I want to touch you. I fucking dream about touching you.”

My heart slammed so hard against my chest I lost my breath for a moment. He wanted to touch me and the images suddenly running through my head were taking over. I wanted that, too. So I decided right then that yes, I could do that. It was all I could promise too. Asking for more was unfair when there was Crawford. Each day he didn’t wake up made it seem more real that he may never wake up. The longer he stayed in the coma, the worse the outcome. But I wasn’t ready to say that he never would. I wasn’t letting him go. Even if I realized now that things with us hadn’t been perfect. I had done so much to make him happy. I had changed me. I wanted to be me again. There was a chance he may not want that when he woke up. But I knew now I had to stop letting him make all the decisions.