As She Fades

I wanted to go in there, too. But I knew Juliet wouldn’t let me. She’d want it to happen just like yesterday.

I sank down into a chair and took a drink of my coffee. It should be me who Crawford responded to. It should be my voice that brought him out of the coma. Because he wanted to be with me.

“I’m going to introduce Slate to Juliet. I’ll be back out in a minute and we can go to the cafeteria and grab some food—no arguments,” Knox told me.

I would argue, but I didn’t have it in me. I was too hurt. Silly to be hurt over this, but I was. Maybe Crawford didn’t want me to stay. Maybe he did want me to go to college. Was I being selfish? Juliet had accused me several times over the years of being selfish. Not thinking of Crawford’s needs. When in reality I was going to the college Crawford wanted to go to. I always had gone to the places he wanted and eaten at the restaurants he wanted. I even wore the clothes he liked. I couldn’t figure out how I was being selfish. I had been trying for years to not be.

The thought of going to college without Crawford was terrifying. But if he would want that, then how was I supposed to not go? I wanted him to wake up happy. Glad to be alive. Not full of regrets.

Knox was walking back to me. “Figures it would be Slate that entertained Crawford the most. The guy is hilarious. I’ll give him that.”

I managed a smile that I didn’t feel and stood back up. For once I needed out of this waiting room. I needed space to think. Doing what was best for Crawford was my only concern.

“Why don’t you ever think about what you want, Vale?” My mother’s voice rang in my head. She had asked me that many times over the years. She never did understand that I did think about myself. I just wanted what Crawford wanted. Why wasn’t that okay?

“How do I leave him? How do I go to college without him?” I asked Knox as we began walking toward the elevators.

“A day at a time. He would want you to.”

I’d always done what Crawford wanted. But he had never wanted something that would hurt so much.

“It scares me,” I admitted.

Knox put his arm around my shoulder. “I’ll be there. You won’t be alone. When you get scared, all you have to do is call me. Just a few buildings away. It’s time you did something other than sit here.”

He didn’t get it. None of them got it.

“Juliet said Crawford would want me to go. That I was being selfish to stay.”

Knox sighed. “Nothing about you is selfish. Never has been and never will be. You’re the most selfless person I know. But she’s right about Crawford. He’d never want you to stay here like this.”

I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. For all we had lost. For the future I’d never planned alone. For the past that would never be the same.

“Crawford’s a good guy. He loves you. He always has. But he wasn’t perfect, Vale. He expected you to do what he wanted. That bugged the hell out of me. It’s time you make some decisions on your own. Make a life that you are in charge of.”

As much as I didn’t like hearing that, I realized my brother was right. I let Crawford make decisions for me. I wanted to make him happy, and I was so worried about being selfish. Had I missed that all along? Did I lose myself somewhere along the way?

“It’s like finding myself again.” That was something I would only admit to Knox.

“It is way past time,” he replied with a squeeze of my shoulders.

Being who I wanted to be was confusing. Because I wasn’t sure anymore.

I stood there in that elevator beside my brother and let the past few years play over in my head. How I had slowly changed. How I had let Crawford begin to mold me. I don’t think he meant to. I just allowed it.

But it was me he fell in love with in the first place. Not the girl I’d turned into. When he woke up I’d be ready, and I realized that that would make him the happiest.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

SLATE READING TO Crawford had once again made his brain activity pick up. When Knox called to tell Slate, he agreed to come read to him while he was still in town with his uncle. No one had an explanation for why Slate’s reading did more than anyone else’s. But Juliet was thrilled. It had given her some hope.

Tonight when she’d left me with Crawford, she had a smile. A small one, but still a smile. I hadn’t seen one of those from her in a long time.

I was tempted to read him the SEC magazine myself and see what happened. But I didn’t. Tonight I needed to talk to him. Tell him what I was thinking. Before I told my parents and started to prepare to go to college next month, I had to tell Crawford.

I set down my bag and walked over and touched his hand. It was cold in his room, so his hand was always cold. I wanted to warm it up. I hated to think he might be cold.

“Everyone says you would want me to go to college. Your mom, Knox, my parents. They all think it’s what’s best. When you wake up, they say you’ll be happy I lived, that I went on like we planned. As much as it scares me and as much as I want to be here with you, I think it’s time I made my own decisions. I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe you noticed and just didn’t know how to tell me. Maybe you didn’t. I don’t know anymore.” I paused and let out a sigh. Telling him all this was difficult. Even if he didn’t hear me or remember any of it.

“I’m going to tell my parents tonight. I’ll go next month. I’ll take the classes I planned and come home on the weekends to visit you. I can read you whatever novel they have me reading in class. I can tell you all about it. Or you can wake up and come, too. That would be what I really want.”

I wasn’t supposed to pressure him. Juliet was afraid it would upset him. But he needed to know I’d want him with me more than anything else. “Until you’re ready to join me, I’ll figure things out. Find the best coffee shops, pizza places, and study spots. When you get there, I can update you on all of it.

“I’m not leaving you. Don’t think that. I will come back every chance I get. I’ll tell you about everything. When you open your eyes, you’ll know I did this for you. Not me. Because I just want to stay here.”

I think. Was that what I wanted? Really? Because I was lonely here. Lost. Out of place. More things I couldn’t tell him. In the past when I told him I could never make his mother happy, he disagreed and said she loved me. He saw things differently than I did.

“Tomorrow I’m not going to sit in the waiting room all day. I’m going to shop for school. Spend some time with my mom. The twins, too. I’ll be here at four, though. I just need to slowly move away from being here all the time. So I’ll be prepared when it’s time for me to leave. You understand that, right?”

He wouldn’t answer. I didn’t expect him to. But I asked him anyway.

* * *

WHEN I WALKED into the house at eight thirty I could smell the meat loaf that mom had cooked for dinner. She wrapped it in bacon, and that distinct smell hung around for hours. There was also the sweet smell of apples in the air. I was ready to eat for a change. Ready to do something for me.

“You’re home just in time,” Mom said, peeking her head out the kitchen door. “I just pulled the apple tarts out of the oven. They’re nice and warm. You can eat dessert first. Just don’t tell Knox.”

“He’s obviously not here, or he’d be standing at that stove waiting for you to pull them out of the oven.”