Angel Island
Page 96"Are you sorry, Peachy?" Julia asked.
"No, I'm not sorry exactly," Peachy answered slowly. "I have Angela, of
course. Are you sorry, Julia?"
"No," replied Julia.
"Julia," Peachy said, "what was it changed you? I have always wanted to
ask but I have never dared. What brought you to the island finally? What
made you give up the fight with us?"
The far-away look in Julia's eyes grew, if possible, more far-away. She
did not speak for a while. Then, "I'll tell you," she said simply. "It
is something that I have never told anybody but Billy. When you first
began to leave me to come to this island alone, I was very unhappy. And
flying by night. Flying alone seemed melancholy. I came here at first,
only because I was driven by my loneliness. I said to myself that I'd
drift with the current. But that did not help any. You were all so
interested in your lovers that it made no difference whether I was with
you or not. I began to think that you no longer cared for me, that you
had out-grown me, that all my influence over you had vanished, that, if
I were out of the way, the one tie which held you to me would break and
you would go to these men. I grew more and more unhappy every instant.
That was not all. I was in love with Billy, but I did not know it. I
only knew that I was moody and strange and in desperate despair. And,
There was a faint movement in the group, but it was only the swish of
draperies as the four recumbent women came upright. They stared at
Julia. They did not speak. They seemed scarcely to breathe.
"One day, I flew up and up. Never before had I gone half so high. But I
flew deliberately higher and higher until I became cold and colder and
numb and frozen - until my wings stopped. And then - " She paused.
"What happened?" Clara asked breathlessly.
"I dropped. I dropped like a stone. But - but - the instant I let myself
go, something strange happened - a miracle of self-revelation. I knew
that I loved Billy, that I could not live in any world where he could
also that I could not die. I tried to spread my wings but they would not
open. It was terrific. And that sense of despair, that my wings which
had always responded - would not - now - oh, that was hell. How I
fought! How I struggled! It was as though iron bands were about me. I
strained. I tore. Of course, all this was only a moment. But one thinks
a million things in a moment like that - one lives a thousand years. It
seemed an eternity. At last my wings opened and spread. They held. I
floated until I caught my breath. Then I dropped slowly. I threw myself
over the bough of a tree. I lay there."