And You Will Find Love

"Forgive your mother, as I have. We all make up our own set of truth or lies, so we can live with ourselves. Often, while we try to fool others, we fool even ourselves. Maybe that's all right, if we can't handle the truth about ourselves, and we don't hurt others. They say 'only a fool fools himself,' and I believe that is true. Only, some of us aren't strong enough and can't handle the truth about ourselves or our relationships. So we end up hurting everyone, even ourselves."

He tried to laugh. "Did I miss my calling? Instead of a janitor, should I have been a minister? Or a bartender!

I certainly spent enough hours on the rail side of a tavern!"

Her father still had some breath in him, although his voice, already weak, began to grow more faint.

"I always sent your mother money. What I could earn in work where my face would be tolerated. Handyman at churches, mainly. Janitor. Salvation Army. That's how I came to London. A church organization was seeking volunteers to come here to help with the wounded and homeless from the missile raids.

I came by ship six months ago and found work at St. Martin-in-the-Fields. You saw me there. I hadn't turned away fast enough."

"But you were always there to help me, when Chet threatened me."

"I always tried. I rode a Phoebe Snow freight car to Mohave, but got there too late. Your friend Moose did for you what I couldn't. Of course you know I didn't set the fires. Armstrong hired a man I rode with on the train. He was desperate enough to take money for anything. I've known a few like that."

She had tried to forget about the fires, but it brought back the horror of that night and the reason she could never forgive Chet, even now.

"You've found good friends, Barbara, everywhere you've gone. I don't know how it will turn out, for you and Stephen...."

She was not surprised that he knew about him.

"I hope you and he will marry, or if not, you find someone else to love as much."

She doubted either would happen.

"And if not, you have a son. I've never seen him. I never went to the academy, for fear he might see me and it would frighten him. He must be a fine boy. You're both very lucky, to have each other."

She knew they were.

Her father began coughing again, and she asked again if she should call for the doctor.