All In

“Okay…Ethan.” Her voice sounded shaky and more than a little defeated.

“Okay, Ethan?” I mocked. “What does that mean? Okay I’m coming home with you? Okay to you and me? Okay, I’ll let you secure me? What? I need more from you, Brynne.” I talked to the windshield because I was scared to see her face right now. What if I couldn’t make her understand—

She leaned toward me and put her hand on my leg. “Ethan, I—I need—I need the truth from you. I have to know what is happening around me—”

I immediately covered her hand with mine. “I know, baby. I was wrong for keeping the information from you—”

She shook her head at me. “No, you don’t know. Let me finish what I was saying.” She put her fingers to my lips to shut me up. “You always interrupt me.”

“Shutting up now.” I grabbed at her fingers with my other hand and held them to my lips. I kissed her fingers and didn’t let go. Hell, I’d take any small opportunities I could get.

“Your honesty and bluntness is one of the things I love about you, Ethan. You always told me what you wanted, what you intended to do, how you felt. You were true with me and it made me feel safe.” She tilted her head and shook it. “You have no idea how much I needed that from you. I didn’t fear the unknown because you were so good at telling me exactly what you wanted to happen with us. That really worked for me. But I trusted you implicitly and you damaged that part between us by not being honest, and by not telling me you were hired to protect me. The fact I need protection at all is a mind f**k for me, but don’t you think I’m entitled to f**king know about it?”

God she was sexy when she was all fired up and said bad words. I gave her a moment of triumph because she was completely in the right.

When she tugged her fingers away from my lips, giving me permission to speak, I mouthed my words more than said them. “I am so sorry.” And I was deeply sorry. I had done wrong. Brynne needed the bare naked truth. She had her reasons; it was a requirement for her and I’d blown it. Wait. Did she just say “one of the things I love about you”?

“But…since I’ve talked to my dad, and he’s told me things I didn’t know before, I realize it’s not totally your fault. Daddy put you in a position you didn’t ask for…and I’ve been trying to see it from your perspective. Your letter helped me understand.”

“So you forgive me and we can put this bloody mess behind us?” I was hopeful but not completely sure. Just tell me straight up so I can guess where to go from this point. I could work with odds like that.

“Ethan, there’s so much you don’t know about me. You don’t really know what happened to me, do you?”

Brynne gave me a look that belied her years from the amount of anguish in it. I wanted to make the anguish go away if I could. I wished I could tell her it didn’t matter for me to know. If it was horrible and it hurt her to tell me then she didn’t have to. But I knew this wasn’t the way for Brynne. She needed to lay all her cards on the table in order to move forward.

“I guess I don’t. I didn’t realize your past had marked you so deeply until recently. I thought I was protecting you from possible political surveillance and exposure for harm or gain depending on who was targeting you. Once I saw that you had demons I cared too much by that point to scare you, or have you hurt by it. I only wanted to protect you and keep us together.” I spoke to her face, so close to mine, soaking her molecules in with every breath.

“I know, Ethan. I get that now.” She moved back fully into her seat. “But you still don’t know everything.” She looked away out the window again. “You won’t like hearing about it. You may not…want…to be together after you know.”

“Don’t say that to me. I know precisely what I want.” I reached for her chin and tugged her my way. “Let’s get some food in you and you can tell me whatever you need to say. Yeah?”

She nodded just slightly in that acquiescent way she’d mastered—the look she was giving me made me utterly insane for her to the point my possessiveness surprised even me.

I knew she was hurting and afraid, but I also knew she was tough and that she would fight her way through whatever haunted her. It wouldn’t change how I felt though. In my eyes, she was my beautiful American girl and she always would be.

“I’m not going anywhere, Brynne. You’re stuck with me and you better get used to it,” I said. I kissed her on the lips and let go of her chin.

She smiled a half smile as I put the car in reverse. “I missed you so much, Ethan.”

“You have no idea.” I reached out and touched her face again. I couldn’t help it. Touching her meant she was really here with me. Feeling her skin and body warmth told me I wasn’t dreaming it. “Food first. You are going to eat something substantial, and I’m going to watch and enjoy every second of your beautiful mouth as you do. What do you fancy right now?”

“I don’t know. Pizza? I’m not exactly dressed for dinner,” she smirked, gesturing to her clothes. “You have on a suit.”

“How you’re dressed is the least of my concerns, baby.” I took her hand to my lips and kissed the soft skin. “You are beautiful to me in anything…or nothing. Especially nothing,” I attempted teasing.

She blushed just slightly. I felt the throb in my c**k when I saw her reaction. I wanted her home with me so badly. In my bed where I could reach for her all throughout the night and know she was there with me. I wasn’t letting her get away again.

She once told me she loves it when I kiss her hand. And I know I cannot help myself. It’s hard not to touch and kiss her all the time because I’ve never been a person to deny myself much of anything I want. And I want her.

She mouthed a silent thank you but still looked sad. She probably dreaded our conversation but knew it had to be done. For her own sake she needed to tell me something hard and I would have to listen. If this is what she needed to do in order for us to move forward then I would hear whatever it was.

“Pizza it is then.” I had to let go of her hand to drive but I could manage it. Just barely. My girl was right next to me in my car. I could smell her, and see her, and even touch her if I reached out; she was that close to me. And for the first time in days, the constant ache in my chest had slipped away.