All In

I couldn’t care less about the mess. Sheets can be washed. My mind cannot.

I can remember every time I was in her.

The emptiness invading me is something almost cruel, and the climax definitely no substitute for the real thing. Very hollow and utterly useless.

No possible way, Benny! He’s far too beautiful to have to resort to his hand for an orgasm.

Yeah, right. I got up and stripped the sheets from the bed and headed for my shower. Nothing but her will ever be enough.

She rang me that afternoon on my mobile. I missed her call because of an idiot meeting. I wanted to hurt the morons who’d taken my time but I hit voice mail instead.

“Ethan, I—I got your letter.” Her voice sounded thready and the urge to go to her was so great I didn’t know how I would manage to keep away. “Thanks for sending it. The flowers are beautiful too. I—I just wanted you to know that I talked to my dad and he told me some stuff—”

She lost her composure then. I could hear the sounds of muffled crying. I knew she was, and it broke my heart wide open. “I have to go...maybe later we could talk.” She whispered the last. “Bye, Ethan.” And then she hung up.

I thought I would crack the glass in my mobile punching buttons to redial, praying she picked up and would speak to me. Time slowed down interminably while the call connected. Once, twice, three rings. My heart pounded and the need for air increased—

“Hi.” Just one little word. But it was her voice and she was directing it to me. I could hear noises in the background. Like traffic.

“Brynne…how are you? You sounded upset on your message. I was in a meeting…” I trailed off realizing I’d started rambling. I forced my mouth closed and desperately wished for a lovely black clove cigarette.

She breathed heavy into the receiver. “Ethan, you said to call if anything weird happened—”

“What happened? Are you all right? Where are you right now?” I felt my blood run cold at her words and the sound of her voice. “Are you outside?”

“I’m on a run at the moment. I had to get out of my head for a bit and just take a break.”

“I’m coming to you. Tell me where you are.”

She got quiet. I could hear the cars moving around her and I hated being forced to endure the imagined visualization of where she was at the moment. Alone on the street. Vulnerable. Unprotected.

“Will you tell me, please? I have to see you—we need to talk. And I want to hear what worried you enough to ring me and leave that message earlier.” More silence. “Baby, I can’t help if you won’t let me in.”

“Did you see it?” Her voice changed, becoming harsh.

“See what?” I swear I only wanted to go to her and get her in my arms. Her question didn’t register at first. The cold silence on the other end helped me to figure it out real quick though.

“Did you watch it, Ethan? Answer my question.”

“The sex tape of you and Oakley?”

She made a sound of anguish.

“Fuck no! Brynne…” The fact she even asked me such a thing pissed me off. “Why would I do that—”

“It’s hardly a sex tape!” she yelled into my ear. My chest ached like a knife had been shoved in.

“Well, that’s what your dad told me it was!” I yelled back at her, confused by her questioning and utterly at a loss in this f**ked up conversation we were having. If I could talk to her in person, get close to her, make her look me in the eye and listen, I might have a chance. But this fractured argument was getting us nowhere fast. I tried again in a more reasonable tone. “Brynne, please let me come to where you are.”

She was crying again. I could hear the soft sound of her against the fainter sounds of traffic. I did not like that she was out running alone either. Cars on the street speeding by her, men looking at her, indigents bothering her for handouts...

“What the hell did he tell you, Ethan? What did my dad say about me?”

“I don’t want to do this on the telephone—”

“Tell. Me.” And then silence.

I closed my eyes in dread, knowing she wouldn’t accept anything but the brutal truth, hating like hell to say it to her, but knowing I had to. How to start? I didn’t know any other way than by just jumping in feet first. I sent up a silent prayer to my mum for strength.

“He told me you and Oakley dated in school. When you were seventeen Oakley made a sex video without your knowledge and spread it around. You dropped out of school and had trouble after that. The senator shipped his son off to Iraq and you came here to study and start afresh. Now the senator is trying to win an election as vice president and wants to make sure nobody ever sees the video…or hears about it. Your dad told me one of Oakley’s mates has died under an unusual circumstance and he’s worried people connected to that video may be targeted...including you. It concerned him enough that he contacted me and asked a favour—that I look after you and watch for anyone who might approach you.”

What I wouldn’t give for a cigarette right now. The silence on the other end was painful to bear but after a few interminable beats I heard the welcome sound of her saying words I wanted to hear. Words I could work with. Something I understood and could do something about. “That scares me.”

Relief washed over me hearing that. Not that she was scared but that she sounded like she needed me. Like she would let me back in. “I won’t let anyone or anything hurt you, baby.”

“I got a weird message on my cell phone two days ago. A man. From some newspaper. I didn’t know what to do—and then when I got your letter today I—I read what you said about calling you if anyone did something to bother me.”

The feeling of relief vanished instantly. “Enough of this shit, Brynne! Where are you right now? I’m coming to get you!” I would have crawled though the f**king mobile if the laws of physics allowed it. I needed to get to her and that was all, period. To hell with the bloody yammering, I had to have Brynne next to me in the flesh where I could put my hands on her.

“I’m at the south end of the Waterloo Bridge.”

Of course you are. I rolled my eyes. Just hearing the word Waterloo annoyed me. “I’m leaving now. Can you get over to Victoria Embankment and wait for me there? I can find you quickly that way.”

“Okay. I’ll go to the sphinx.” She sounded better to me. Less afraid and the feeling did wonders for my stress level. I was going to get my girl. She might not know that yet, but it was in fact the reality of what was about to happen.