All In
Page 42I lit up my first Djarum of the day. The inhale was perfect. I felt like I was doing fairly well with the cutting back. Brynne helped motivate me, but when things were rocky with us, it was chain-smoking central. Maybe I should try the nicotine patch thing.
I resolved to enjoy my one smoke and thought about the upcoming weekend. Our first trip together. I’d managed to scrape out three days of time so I could take my girl up to the Somerset coast to stay at my sister’s country home. The place also operated as a high-end bed-and-breakfast and I was well aware of the fact I’d never asked my sister if I could bring a guest along with me on any other occasion that I’d ever gone there before.
Brynne was different for so many reasons and if I wasn’t quite ready to own up to those feelings publically, I did recognize them for what they were. I wanted to talk to her about where we were heading, and ask her what she wanted. The only reason I hadn’t already was because her potential answer made me really f**king nervous. What if she didn’t want what I wanted? What if I was just her first real relationship that she could test the waters with? What if she met somebody else down the line?
My list could go on and on. I just had to keep reminding myself that Brynne was a very honest person and when she told me how she felt about me, then well, it was the truth. My girl was no liar. She told you she loves you.
The plan was to leave early in the morning after the gala tonight to avoid traffic, and I couldn’t wait to get Brynne up there. I wanted some romantic time away with my girl, and also just needed to get out of the city and into the fresh air of the country. I loved London, but even so, the desire to have time away from the urban crush in order to keep my sanity, played out regularly.
A call came through just then, pulling me out of my wool gathering moment and back into the very demanding and very urgent present situation of my job responsibilities. The day flew and before I knew, it was time to get moving.
I called Brynne as I was leaving the office to tell her I was on my way and expected to get a breathless rundown of everything that needed to be done before the thing tonight and our impending trip. I got voice mail instead. So I sent her a short text: I’m on my way home. Need anything? And got no response.
I didn’t like it and realized right then and there, I would always worry about her. The worry would never go away. I’d heard people say such things about their children. That they didn’t know what real worry was until they had someone important enough in their lives that measured the true essence of what it meant to love another person. With that love came the burden of potential loss—a prospect too uncomfortable for me to think much about.
“Hello, Muriel.”
“’Ello, guv. What canna do for ye? I’ve every American rag just like you want, eh?”
“Yes. Very good.” I smiled at her. “Question though, Muriel.” I observed her body language as I spoke, searching for clues to see if she knew what I was asking or not. I pulled out the envelope with the photos of Ivan and held it up. “What do you know about this being placed inside the stack of papers from today?”
“Nothin.” She didn’t look to the left. She didn’t lose eye contact either. Those two things were supportive of her giving me the truth. I could only guess and use my intuition, and remember who I was dealing with.
I set a tenner on the counter. “I need your help, Muriel. If you see anyone or anything suspicious I want you to tell me about it. It’s important. A person’s life could be at stake.” I gave her a nod. “Will you keep an eye out?”
She looked down at the ten pound note and then back up to me. She flashed those horrific teeth in a genuine smile and said, “For ye, handsome, I will.” Muriel snatched up the ten pounds and put it in her pocket.
“Ethan Blackstone, forty-fourth floor,” I said, pointing to my building.
I guessed we had as good a deal as was possible considering who I was making it with. I headed to my car, eager to get home and see my girl.
I dialed Brynne a second time and once again got voicemail, so I left a message saying I was on my way. I wondered what she was doing not to answer and tried to imagine something like taking a bath, working out with headphones in, or having her phone set to silent.
I struggled with my worries. Foremost, the emotion was still unfamiliar, but at the same time not something I could set aside either. I worried about Brynne constantly. And just because this was all new to me sure as hell didn’t make it any easier to understand. I was a total novice learning my way.
The flat was silent as the grave when I stepped in. I felt my anxiety spike to very unpleasant levels and started searching. “Brynne?”
Only more silence. She wasn’t working out and she definitely wasn’t in my office. Not outside on the balcony. The bathroom was my last hope. My heart pounded in my chest as I opened the door. And crashed when she wasn’t in there either.
Fuck! Brynne, where are you?
Her beautiful dress was hanging on a hook though. The periwinkle one she’d bought in the vintage shop with Gabrielle on the day we met for lunch at Gladstone’s. There was evidence of packing too—cosmetics out and a small bag halfway done. So she had been here getting ready for tonight and our weekend away.
I went in through to the bedroom, connecting a call to Neil in my half-panicked state when I saw. The most wonderful vision in the world. Amid all the scattering of clothes and half packed bags was Brynne, curled up in the bed…asleep.
“Yeah?” Neil answered. I was so frozen, I still had the mobile up at my ear.
“Umm…false alarm. Sorry. We’ll see you at the National in a few hours.” I hung up before he could respond. Poor mate must think I’ve lost it.
You have utterly lost it!
Moving very quietly, I shrugged out of my jacket, ditched my shoes, and crawled carefully onto the bed and curled around her sleeping form. I breathed in her lovely fragrance and let my heart rate slow down. The urge to light up a cig was intense but I focused on her warmth against me instead and figured my addiction to the smokes would have to lessen eventually.