All In

Her eyes widened from my touch but she nodded her head and said, “That sounds nice.”

I rolled off the bed and went in to start the bath water. Her eyes tracked me, looking over my back. I knew she was staring at the scars. I knew she’d ask me about them soon too. And I would have to share my f**ked up train wreck of a past. I didn’t want to. The thought of bringing her into that cluster f**k went against every instinct I possessed, but still, I wouldn’t ever keep the truth from her again. That wasn’t an option with Brynne and I’d learned my lesson.

I poured in some bath bubbles and adjusted the temperature. I looked up at the sight of her walking into the bathroom. Naked and beautiful and coming toward me, she took my breath away even if she’d gotten too slim. I found myself thinking about another round of prehistoric shagging but forced it down so the rational part of my brain could function. We really needed to talk through some things and sex had a way of pushing to the front of the queue and overshadowing everything else. The greedy bastard.

So I took her hand instead and helped her step into the tub with me and got us settled. I sat in the back and put her in front of me, her slippery bum resting temptingly against my suddenly reawakening cock. I told my tackle to shut the hell up, and to imagine Muriel the street vendor and her accompanying mustache if he wanted more of Brynne’s divine fanny. That did the trick. Muriel was hideous, and probably not even a real woman. Maybe not even human. In fact, I’m sure Muriel is really an alien scout sent here to sell newspapers and learn the language. I still craved my Djarums. Piles of them.

Brynne sniffed the air. “Do you smoke in here?”

“Sometimes.” I really need to stop doing that. “But I’ll have to stop it inside the house now that you’re here with me.”

“I don’t mind it, Ethan. The smell of the spice and the cloves is nice and it doesn’t bother me, but I know it’s bad for you and I don’t like that part.”

“I’m trying to quit.” I slid my hands up her arm and then down over a breast resting just at water level. “With you here I’ll do better. You can be my motivation, okay?”

She took a deep breath and nodded. Then she started talking.

“I never went back to my high school again. Only six months from graduation and I quit. My parents were in shock at the change in me. It didn’t take long for them to find out about the video either. They argued about what to do, and had very differing opinions. I didn’t care. I was someplace else in my head and very, very sick. It’s hard to admit about myself, but it’s the truth. I was destroyed emotionally with no way to escape the demons.”

I kissed the back of her head and held on to her a little tighter. I knew all about demons, the evil cocksuckers that they were. “Can I ask why your parents didn’t try to press assault charges on the three of them? I can’t imagine it would have been difficult to get an arrest. You were underage and they were adults…and there was videotaped evidence.”

“My dad wanted them in prison. My mom didn’t want the publicity. She asserted that my slutty reputation would only drag our name through the mud and upset the social order of things. She was probably right. But again, I didn’t care what anyone did about it. I was lost in my head.”

“Oh, baby…”

“And then I discovered they’d gotten me pregnant.”

I stilled at that unwelcome news. Fucking hell…

“It put me over the edge. I—I couldn’t deal with any of it. My dad didn’t know what to do about a pregnancy. He started talking to the senator. My mom scheduled an abortion for me and I simply could not handle any more. I didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want to kill what was inside of me either. I just didn’t want to be reminded of the incident and everything and everybody reminded me. I guess if I’d felt better about myself I could have figured things out, but then if I’d felt better about myself I would have never gone to that party in the first place and ended up on that pool table.”

“I am so sorry...” I spoke softly but firm, wanting her to really understand how I truly felt. “Listen, baby, you cannot blame yourself for what happened to you.” I pressed in close to her ear. “You were the victim of a crime and treated abominably. It was not your fault, Brynne. I hope you know that now.” I rubbed up and down her arms, drawing the warm water up over her skin.

She settled more into my body and took a deep breath. “I think I do now, for the most part at least. Dr. Roswell helped me, and finding my place in the world helped too. But back then I was done. Done with living. I couldn’t see another path for me.”

All the warmth of earlier left me and I braced for what was coming. Like a train wreck you can’t stop staring at, I had to know what had happened to her but also didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to go to her dark place with her.

She shifted in the bath and twirled her fingers in the water as she started speaking again. “I’d never felt so calm as I did on that day. I got up and knew what I would do. I waited until Daddy went to work. I felt bad for doing it at his house but knew that my mom would never forgive me for doing it at hers. I wrote them goodbye letters and set them out on my bed. Then I took a handful of sleeping pills I’d stolen from my mom’s stash, got in the bathtub, and cut my wrist open.”

“No.” My heart compressed in a painful grip and all I could do was hold on to her, feel her warm body, and be grateful she was with me now. Imagining her at the point of taking her life, at such a young age, and feeling she had no other options was very sobering. I knew how I felt about Brynne but this scared the shit out of me.

“But I sucked at that too. I got sleepy and didn’t really cut deep enough to bleed out, or so I was told later. The pills I took were the far worse danger. Daddy found me in time. He came home for lunch to check on me. He said a weird vibe was shadowing him the whole morning and he just came home. He saved me.” Brynne shuddered slightly and turned her head a little more to rest her cheek on my chest.

Thank you, Tom Bennett. “I’m so glad you sucked at it,” I whispered. “My girl can’t be brill at everything.” I tried to lighten the mood a little but this was not a conversation for steering. My role was to listen, so I kissed her hair again and put my hand over her heart. “When I speak to your father I’m going to thank him,” I whispered.