All In

“Everyone knew it was me. People had watched the video all weekend and passed it around. The video showed me clearly but the boys were off camera and the sound had been dubbed over with a song instead of audio so you couldn’t hear their voices to identify them.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Nine Inch Nails’—I Wanna Fuck You Like an Animal. They made it like a music video with the lyrics to the song printed out over the screen in big letters…You let me violate you—You let me desecrate you—You let me penetrate you—”

She faltered and my heart just broke in two for what she’d suffered. I knew only how much I wanted to make it work between us. I stopped her then. I had to. I couldn’t listen to any more and restrain myself in public. We needed privacy for this. I just wanted to take her home with me and hold her close. The rest could be figured out later.

I squeezed her hand so she would look up at me. Big luminous eyes, in colors that all blended together, filled with glassy tears I only wanted to lick away, looked into mine. “Let me take you home, please.” I nodded to make her understand it was what we needed. “I want to be alone with you right now, Brynne. Everything else doesn’t matter so much.”

She made a sound that just ripped my heart apart. So soft, but injured and raw. I stood up from the table abruptly, tugging her with me, and bless her heart, she followed without protesting. I threw some notes on the table and got her out to the car and buckled into her seat.

“Are you sure you want to, Ethan?” she asked me, her eyes red and full of tears.

I looked at her dead on. “I’ve never been surer of anything.” I leaned to her and put my hand on the back of her head so I could control the kiss. I kissed her thoroughly on the lips, even pressing against her teeth with my tongue so she would open up to me. Brynne needed to know I still wanted her. I knew she was struggling with the idea of herself and my knowledge of her past. She assumed I wouldn’t desire her anymore if I knew the details.

My girl could not have been more wrong.

“All of your things are still there waiting for you. Just know this…” I spoke directly just a few inches from her face, boring into her soulful eyes. “I have no intentions of letting you go.” I swallowed hard. “If you come with me you’re signing on for all of me, Brynne. I don’t know any other way to be with you. It’s all in for me. And I want it to be all in for you too.”

“All in?” She brought her palm to my cheek and held it there, her questioning look so genuine.

I turned my lips to press them into the palm of her hand as she held my face. “A poker term. Means to bet everything you have on the cards you’re holding. You’re what I’m holding.”

She closed her eyes again and her lip trembled slightly. “I haven’t even told you all of it. There’s more.” She took her hand away.

“Open your eyes and look at me.” I said it gently but very firm.

She complied instantly and I had to stifle a groan for how much her gesture aroused me. “I don’t care whatever it is you haven’t told me or even what you just told me in the restaurant.” I shook my head a little to make her understand. “It won’t change how I feel. I know we’ll talk some more and you can tell me the rest when you’re able…or when you need to. I’ll hear it. I need to hear everything anyway so I can make sure you’re kept safe. Which I will do, I promise you, Brynne.”

“Oh, Ethan—” Her bottom lip quivered as she looked over at me, as beautiful in her sadness as she was when she was happy.

I could see Brynne was worried about many things—sharing her past, my reaction to her past, the possible threats to her safety in London, my feelings—and I so desperately wanted to erase that worry from her expression if I could. I wished for her to be free from her burdens and left alone to live her life, hopefully with me in there somewhere. I’d never meant a promise more so than right now either. I would keep her safe, but I also wanted to make sure she understood what she would be getting in agreeing to come home with me.

“But no more running from me, Brynne. If you need a break that’s fine, I’ll respect it and give you some space. But I have to be able to come to you and see you, and know that you won’t take off again...or shut me out.” I brushed her lips with my thumb. “That’s what I need from you, baby. Can you do that?”

She started breathing harder, her chest moving her br**sts up and down in that tight turquoise top, her eyes flickering as she contemplated. I could tell she was scared but Brynne had to learn to trust me if we had any chance at all together. I gambled on the hope she would take my offer. I hardly knew what to do if she didn’t though. Fall apart? Become a real stalker? Sign up for psychotherapy?

“But—I find it so hard to trust in a relationship. You’ve gotten farther than anyone ever has before. For the first time I’ve had to choose between a complex, scary relationship and being safely uncomplicated…and alone.”

I groaned and gripped her a little tighter. “I know you’re scared but I want you to give us a chance anyway. You’re not meant to be alone. You’re meant to be with me.” My words came out a little hard but it was too late to pull them back.

Brynne surprised me by smiling a little and shaking her head at me. “You’re something else, Ethan Blackstone. Were you always like this?”

“Like what?”

“So demanding, blunt and direct.”

I shrugged. “I guess. I don’t know. I just know how I am with you. I want things with you I’ve not wanted before. I want you and that’s all I know. Right now I want you to come home with me and be together. And I’ll just take the promise that you won’t leave at the first sign of trouble. You’ll give me the opportunity to make it right and not close me out.” I held her shoulders with both hands. “I can be understanding if you’ll tell me what you need from me. I want to give you whatever it is you need, Brynne.” I rubbed with my thumbs at the base of her neck, the soft skin under my fingers magnetized as soon as I began touching her. Once I got a feel of her again I didn’t want to give her up.

She tilted her head back and closed her eyes for an instant, succumbing to our attraction and giving me some hope. She said one word. My name. “…Ethan.”

“I think I know what that is too. You just have to trust me to give it to you.” I gripped a little tighter. “Choose me. Choose us.”