All Broke Down

I take a seat beside her and the frat boy on the couch, and drag my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know what I’m doing. What if he blows me off? I’m not sure I can handle that.”

Stella looks up at the ceiling and sighs before draining the last of whatever is in her cup. She holds the empty cup out to the frat boy with a playful smile, and he shifts her off him to go get her a refill. When he’s gone, she turns to me. “How is it that I always end up being the one to give relationship advice? You people realize I’m completely antirelationship, right?”

“You know Silas, though.”

She slants an eyebrow. “Not as well as you know him.”

“I don’t mean like that. I mean . . . you get him.”

“I did before. Mostly because I think he’s a lot like me. But you kinda rewrote the book, sister. I don’t know. Just be honest. Don’t try to make excuses. He’ll hate that.”

“How mad is he? Have you seen him at all this week? What’s he been like?”

She shrugs. “Normal.” My stomach sinks. Normal? Does that mean . . . like the old Silas? “He hasn’t hooked up with anyone else that I know of, if that’s what you’re asking. But he’s not drowning in a bottle, either. Dallas said he’s been concentrating on football, helping the kid who took his place. Which thank God. If I had to sit through another game like last week, I would have lost it.”

I should be glad that he’s okay. That’s what I want for him, what I’ve wanted for him from the beginning. But all I can think about is how I felt after Henry. I was thrown for sure because my five-year plan had just completely unraveled, but when the dust cleared, I wasn’t sad. Not at all. What if that’s how Silas feels?

“Aw shit. I shouldn’t have told you that, right? It’s freaking you out. Listen . . . Silas is no stranger to mistakes. You’re gonna be fine. He’ll understand.”

I hear a cheer from the front of the house, and I take that as a sign that the first of the team has arrived. I take a few deep breaths, but I still feel like the ground isn’t quite steady beneath my feet.

Stella’s frat boy returns with a new drink, and as I stand to go in search of Silas she pipes up from over her cup. “Should plan A fail, there’s always plan B!”

“What’s plan B?”

“Naked apology. Works every time.”

I see his roommate Brookes first, and I can’t read the look he shoots me, but I’m 99.9 percent sure that guy doesn’t like me. Silas says he’s a funny guy, but I’ve never seen it. Then again, I’m usually on the receiving end of a glare.

I make my way over to stand by the stairs while people stream in. I recognize five or six guys from the team, but surrounding them are people I don’t know. Girls. Guys. They’re raucous and loud, and I’m willing to bet most of them are already drunk.

When Silas enters, it’s mostly girls around him, but he has an arm slung around a shorter black guy. He’s shaking him by the shoulders, and the guy is smiling, and the people around them are laughing and cheering, and he looks good.

He doesn’t look remotely as torn up inside as I feel.

He walks right past me without even seeing me, and I think about making a break for it. I could do this another time, somewhere a little less public.

Then from the door I hear, “Captain Planet! What are you doing here?”

Torres has a girl on each arm, but he ditches them both and jogs down the steps into the foyer to throw his arm around me instead.

He leans down to say something to me, but I don’t even hear it because Silas definitely sees me now. His gaze is hard on me, on Torres, really, and I don’t even think the guy realizes it.

I’m about to say something when I finally register what Torres is whispering to me, “And incoming in three, two, one . . .”

Silas says something to the player he’d been talking to and then starts in my direction.

Torres laughs. “Do I know my boy or what? You’re welcome. Now, I’m gonna run before I lose a tooth.”

He jogs away from me toward the kitchen, and starts singing the school fight song at the top of his lungs. Half the party joins in, and I can’t hear anything over the tone deaf and the drunk. But I don’t need to hear to see the way Silas hesitates now that I’m alone. He stops, looks me over briefly, nothing more than a quick scan, then turns and goes back to the crowd he left.

They move into the living room, and I stand there, my back pressed against the stair railing, trying not to react, trying not to let everyone see that I’m crumbling.

I was always scared that Silas would hurt me, but I never thought it would be like this.

Never thought I would feel invisible with him.

I stay there as the party kicks into high gear around me. I should leave. I should do something, but it’s easier just to stand here, to pretend I’m as invisible as I feel.

“How much of an ass**le am I if I say I told you so?”

I turn and Brookes is sitting on the stairs just above me.

“If you have to ask how much of an ass**le it makes you, the answer is you’re already an ass**le.”

He leans his forehead into his hand and gives a low, husky laugh.

“I’ll take that.”

“And I’ll take that I told you so.”

What had I told Silas? If he took me down with him, it would be because I jumped, not because he pulled me? Well, I’d jumped.

And I hit bottom.

“You need a drink, girl. Come on.”

I think back to my earlier declaration of who I am. I wanted to go to parties and be bold. I wanted to meet people. Well, here’s my chance.

I won’t be invisible. No matter how Silas Moore looks at me. Or if he looks at me at all.

Chapter 29

Silas

I assumed Dylan had already left; instead she’s stolen away all my friends.

I walk into the kitchen a couple of hours later to refill my beer, and she’s sitting on top of the dining room table. Brookes, Torres, McClain, and Dallas are around her, and they’re watching in rapt attention as she tells a story.

I sidle a little closer, my back to the group, and hear the tail end of it.

“I don’t even think. I just grab the handcuffs off Matt and snap them on the first thing I see, and the police officer is just staring at me like I’d completely lost my mind. Which I had, of course.”