Agent in the Dark

He leaned over to me showing me something in his hand. I took the picture that he was offering to me. It was of a woman with light chocolate skin, she had perhaps the most classically beautiful face I'd ever seen on a woman of any ethnicity.

"Your wife?"

He nodded proudly.

"You did well for yourself brother!" I said.

"So did you brother." He commented glancing at Asia still sleeping against me.

"Yeah, I'd say we both won the lottery, wife wise anyway."

I handed the picture back inwardly proud of myself. I had wondered what my reaction would be the first time I saw a beautiful woman other than my wife and I found myself oddly content with my nonreactive answer given my past history.

I could acknowledge the attractiveness of another woman, but I hadn't let my thoughts go any further. It was a milestone of moral authenticity in my life. It wasn't that I didn't want to imagine more, but rather that there was something stronger within me that now said no to the inherent carnality of my flesh and mind. I was ruled by the Holy Spirit instead of ruled by my fleshly desires.

In some ways I'd never thought this day would come to me and now that it had I saw it both for the gift it was, as well as the honor of being separate from the desires of the world. It was good to know about myself in this moment, but it was a battle I would have to keep fighting for the rest of my life.

Flint was handing me more pictures. One was of a girl and the other was of a boy. I was an uncle. I couldn't help the thought that I wished I was more than just that, and that I was a father myself.

Flint's hand grasped mine, "I'm sorry for your loss."

I nodded, but he didn't let go of my hand.

"Our first one ended like yours. It's kind of a common occurrence in first time pregnancy. Like the body isn't ready yet for the next stage of advancement, but as you can see it didn't stop us. We have two and another one on the way. I'm confident that it will be successful for you the next time as well."

"I hope so!" I mumbled out. I didn't ever want to go through what we just had ever again!

Flint handed me one last picture of two people. I recognized enough from my fragmented memory to know that I was looking at my parents. I stared at the picture for a long time as it helped me remember things I had forgotten.