Affliction

“Because it’s okay if you do,” she continues, leaning against the doorframe. “I can’t be angry at you for that.”

“I once had love for the woman who didn’t destroy me, the woman who gave me my daughter, but not now, not after everything.” And that’s the God’s honest truth.

“You’ve called her name out every night for the last few weeks, since you found out about the baby,” she replies, concerned.

“Fuck, Holly. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It only started off with a shout, but it’s escalated the last few nights.”

“Fuck.” I rub my hands over my face. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I keep dreaming about her?

“Maybe you should talk about it,” she whispers, now looking unsure about broaching the subject.

“Come here,” I command. Holding out my hand, she moves forward and takes it.

“There's nothing to talk about. It's nothing but a dream,” I tell her, knowing it's not true. I've pushed down my guilt for so long I'm concerned it's going to come down all around me.

“It's not nothing, Sy. Don't lie to me. Talk to me. When was the last time you saw her?” She looks up and her hand cups my cheek.

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Sy…” She holds my stare.

“A little over two years,” I admit. I still can't believe it's been over two years since I rode away leaving her behind.

“Do you know where she is? What she is doing?”

“No, never kept in contact with her,” I tell her, sounding like an asshole.

“I think you should find her. Go to her and give yourself some peace, Sy.” She looks dejected, and for a moment I think she feels that for me. For Katie and me.

“First of all, the last real conversation I had with Katie was when I walked away from her when she was finally getting her life on track. She was clean and she came to me needing to talk. I turned and walked away from her for the second time. She won't want to talk to me. I don't even know if I want to talk to her.”

“Why did you walk away?” she asks the one question I've never let myself answer. Why did I walk out? Why did I give up in the end?

“I just don’t know, Holly,” I tell her, too afraid of the truth.

“I know you, Sy. You wouldn't have left her for no reason. You could have walked away sooner, but you fought. Something made you stop fighting,” she surmises accurately.

“You're right. I walked away because she gave up.” I step back from her. If I'm going to do this now, I can't have her touching me. “She gave up when I was willing to stay, even after Keira died. Even after I had forgiven her. In the beginning, I was angry at her betrayal, but I refused to discuss anything about her cheating or who Keira's biological father was. I had to put all my energy into Keira, caring for her, living and breathing for her. I didn't want to think about it.”

I take a breath, needing a moment before I continue. Holly doesn't move. She waits for me to speak. “When Keira died, I didn't want to lose that connection with her. We were a family and I couldn't walk away from them. So I fought with everything I had to make it work. But it wasn't enough for Katie. I wasn't fighting the same demons she was. She had all this guilt, and as much as I had tried to get her to let go of it, she wouldn't give it up. In the end, I couldn't be strong for her when I was barely staying strong for me. All I wanted to do was mourn the loss of my child and deal with the breakdown of my marriage. I fucking tried so hard to pull her back, tried to get her out of it, but I failed.” The guilt that eats at me comes back, whispering in my ear that I didn't try hard enough.

“Maybe she didn't need saving, Sy, but needed to heal on her own,” Holly interrupts, taking a step toward me. “We all heal and grieve differently; each journey is unique, Sy, and sometimes along the way, we hurt the ones we love—the ones who love us. If you left when you could no longer help her then it doesn't mean you failed. It means you just couldn't hold on anymore. You had to save yourself, too, Sy. You had to heal, too.” Her hand reaches out and takes mine, leading me back to my room.

I don't fight it; the comfort of her touch makes it too hard to pull away. She walks me to the bed without a word and sits down on the edge, pulling me to sit down next to her.

She's right. I had to heal, too.

“Sy, someone once told me giving up is self-defeat, while letting go is self-care. There was nothing more you could have done. You did everything you could to help Katie. You can't tell her how to grieve, or how to live. It isn't your decision. She had to decide what her life should look like, and so did you.”

“Fuck, I love you, Holly.” I pull her to me and fall back, taking her with me. The words she just gave me are the most honest words anyone has spoken to me. “I don't deserve you.”

I kiss her, because if I don't, my emotions will overcome me.

“Don't say that, ever.” Her hand takes my jaw, making me look at her.

“No, Holly. You are a promise I never thought I would ever get again, a promise that there is goodness and light.” I watch as slow tears fall from her eyes. “Don't cry, baby.” I turn and cover her body, placing my arms on either side of her head to take my weight.

“Go see her. Let it all go,” she encourages, looking up at me with hope and faith. Something I haven't seen in such a long time staring back at me.